Stigma is Killing Us

Definition of Stigma: a mark of disgrace associated with a particular circumstance, quality, or person.

Synonyms of Stigma: stain, taint, guilt, shame, blot, slur, smudge, disgrace

Antonyms of Stigma: credit, award, honor, purity, modest, chastity, right, legitimacy, integrity

It’s interesting to see the definition, synonyms, and antonyms of a word, isn’t it?

We hear the word “stigma” all the time. Many of us have likely experienced this word in some form or another in our lives. But when you take away the layered, perhaps intimidating word, and replace it with synonyms, it hits different. Doesn’t it?

There is a stigma in the US and much of the world when it comes to mental illness, mental health, and suicide. There are often assumptions, perceptions, pity, anger, sorrow, shame, and judgment attached to many of these issues, realities, and the people themselves who are suffering. I’ve often hesitated to share my story for this reason.

I’ve gone through a range of emotions, reactions, and roles as they relate to my own mental health story… grief, sadness, anger, guilt, outrage, champion, spokesperson, chairperson, person on the sidelines, and person in the shadows.

And now I want to share my, or rather my dad’s, story with you. My sister, my mom, my brother, my husband, and so many of our friends and family members lost my father to suicide on September 8, 2008. 15 years ago. Our lives were forever changed.

I promise I’ll keep the background brief, but it’s important to set the stage. I truly had the ideal childhood. I mean, it’s hard to describe how magical my parents (mostly dad, mom in agreement) made my life! All the holidays—over the top in ways it’s hard to describe. We did the beach vacations and the Disney trips. You name it, my parents made sure we did it. Donuts and gumballs on Saturday mornings. Guitar and record playing sessions on Sundays. Camping trips for the scrapbook. Truly, he was the best a kid could hope for.

My dad was a magical and magnetic person. He never met a stranger he didn’t befriend and had a larger-than-life personality. He also had issues with alcohol and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in his forties. Toward the end of his life, he developed a substance misuse problem as he attempted to self-medicate. My mom, my sister, and I watched and supported him through many trials. My parents paid out of pocket for several rehab stays. But even with that support, he always felt shame.

At 54, my dad seemingly felt that we were better off without him. I can only assume that his struggles and problems outweighed his value and worth in his mind. The stigma he experienced came with guilt and shame and many other things. My interpretation is, that he decided that because of his mental illness and addiction, he was just an addict or mentally ill rather than the magnanimous person we saw.  He let the stigma or the disgrace that came with some of his actions outweigh or even stain and blot out his true self. He felt those missteps or challenges defined him so deeply that there was nothing left to redeem him.

The reality is that to me, my sister, my mom, and SO many other people—he was one of the most valuable and amazing things in our lives.  He deserves honor for all the wonderful moments he made happen in my life. He deserves credit for my work ethic, creativity, love of music (and Matchbox Twenty—IYKYK), and ability to take care of myself.  He had the right to live and he should have. In our minds, the stigma he felt and carried didn’t deserve to hold genuine weight. To this day, I’d trade almost anything to have him back. The world, our worlds, my world is NOT better without him. I just wish he could have seen it that way.

The point is, the value of life is real and the stigma associated with mental health and suicide has to change.

Most of us personally struggle or know several people in our lives struggling with some type of mental health challenge. What if as a society we replaced all the gut-wrenching and isolating words like stigma and its synonyms with their antonyms? What if we instead brought compassion and grace to the table? Would it be a world where my dad would still be? I think so and I hope so.

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Whatever you are facing, there is always hope. And we will hold on to hope until you’re able to grasp it yourself. If you’re thinking about suicide, we encourage you to use TWLOHA’s FIND HELP Tool to locate professional help and to read more stories like this one here. If you reside outside of the US, please browse our growing International Resources database. You can also text TWLOHA to 741741 to be connected for free, 24/7 to a trained Crisis Text Line counselor.