Topic: eating disorder
The truth is that I ignored warning signs that my eating disorder was back. The truth is that my grades were suffering and I was isolating myself. The truth is that I didn’t have an answer when my therapist asked me to name something I thought I was good at outside of my eating disorder. The truth is that I’m struggling.
Not long ago, a question bubbled to the surface of my brain: if my body could speak, would she forgive me?
I’m aware that this isn’t me, that this seemingly all-encompassing sadness is more of a leaching villain than the toxic-yet-comforting friend I initially saw it as. And if you know me, then you know how much I love a good superhero story.
Movement is so much more than a weapon of shame and my story is proof that it can be rewired.
In my ten years and counting, I’ve gathered some harsh, but hopefully beyond that, wise lessons. Lessons I think will help you, no matter where you are in your recovery.
Slowly over time though, I began to regain that energy to eat, to shower, to socialize, to be creative.
I wish I could say that after 3 years and 4 treatment centers, I’m completely recovered. I mean, I could say that. It just wouldn’t be the truth.
You are not my good days, and I am not my bad days. You are not my existence.
I wrote “When the Fat Girl Gets Skinny” because I was frustrated. I was frustrated because I was starving myself and all anybody could say to me was how amazing I looked now. How inspiring my rapid weight loss was to them.
Allow this to be my letter to you, an open invitation for you to use that voice to ask for the help you need and deserve. This is my shout into the void telling you that you are enough. Not too little, not too much. You are so fantastically, spectacularly enough.
I assumed that happiness and acceptance of myself and my body could only be achieved if I “fixed” myself to the standards I was seeing.
The one thing I had never heard about being a guy with an eating disorder is that you can be a guy with an eating disorder.
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