The Post-Therapy Treat

When I was 18 years old, a college freshman, I started seeing a counselor at my university for anxiety. I participated in a few group sessions meant to teach coping skills and met with an individual counselor every few weeks for an hour to talk about my anxiety and how to better deal with it. At the time, I could never have imagined I would be writing something like this, let alone sharing my story with literally anyone. I carried the heavy weight of mental health stigma on my shoulders. 

The student health center during my freshman year was on the edge of campus, away from the academic buildings and dorms. The only thing close to it was a coffee shop across the street. At my very first appointment, I was so terrified that I would see someone I knew and that they would question why I was on that side of campus, and they would then figure out that I was there for counseling. Looking back now, I realize this was a bit silly, but at the time, I was terrified.

It nearly stopped me from going to counseling.

My solution? To stop across the street for a hot chocolate or a coffee so that as I was walking back to my dorm anyone I saw would assume I had gone to grab a drink rather than the counseling center.

This became a habit during the many therapy sessions I attended throughout college. I went to therapy and then I got a coffee. Even during the Fall 2020 semester, with the pandemic in full swing, I would attend therapy over Zoom and follow it up with a trip to the coffee shop on campus as a reward.

The following year, in the spring semester of my junior year, I started seeing a therapist off-campus as I was struggling with severe depression, anxiety, and self-harm and needed more help than my campus counseling center was prepared to offer. Lo and behold, just down the street from my new therapist’s office was a coffee shop. I stopped there after each and every session to get a drink or a treat, continuing the post-therapy tradition. That semester was also the first time I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation and self-harm. I was so terrified to talk about my experiences that I only told one or two people. Following the hospital stay, I returned to my weekly therapy (and coffee shop) appointments.

This continued for the next two and a half years, and along the way, I started learning how to let people in, telling them bits and pieces of my mental health journey and the things I had struggled with. I only shared things that had already happened, the things I had quote-unquote “solved.” Stigma still very much hindered my ability to open up about how I was feeling in the moment, and my coffee shop safety blanket remained in place.

Post-therapy coffee was indeed a safety blanket for me. I had just “gone to get a coffee” and nothing more.

It was a familiar routine that allowed me to hide (or maybe protect myself) from the stigma I was so scared of from that very first session.

Only recently, however, at the age of 23, the five-year post-therapy coffee has come to an end. I was recently in a crisis period and sought help in a psychiatric unit for eight days. I took a leave of absence from my job to do a partial hospitalization program and then an intensive outpatient program. Way more people than 18-year-old me could have anticipated letting in now know pieces of my mental health journey. Through regular therapy and this program, I am learning how to better manage my mental illness. Asking for that kind of help was one of the scariest things I have ever done because I knew it meant I couldn’t use my post-therapy coffee and a positive attitude as a mask or a crutch. But I don’t regret it as it has proven to be one of the best things for me.

I needed my post-therapy coffee for those five years as I was learning about my mental illness and breaking the stigma surrounding it, but like all good things, it has evolved and the chapter of hiding my mental illness has come to a close. In its place, there is intense growth and personal connection. That is something I consider a win.

---

People need other people. You are not weak for wanting or needing support. If you’re seeking professional help, we encourage you to use TWLOHA’s FIND HELP Tool. If you reside outside of the US, please browse our growing International Resources database. You can also text TWLOHA to 741741 to be connected for free, 24/7 to a trained Crisis Text Line counselor. If it’s encouragement or a listening ear that you need, email our team at [email protected].