Living for Two

On November 25th, 2023, my little brother Finn’s life was tragically taken by suicide. I was out  of state at a wedding, and as I rushed to return home, I remember thinking: “No matter how  quickly we get there, it’s already too late.” At that moment, the reality of Finn’s death hadn’t fully registered. It didn’t hit me when I entered his room, still filled with the essence of his presence and his belongings. I frantically searched for a note or a clue that might explain why he left us. His future had been so promising—he was on the verge of graduating high school and had been accepted into his dream college. Yet, there was nothing.

The true weight of his loss didn’t fully hit me at the funeral either. Surrounded by vibrant colors and joyful tributes, we celebrated his spirited life. It was only in the quiet moments of everyday life that the profound gravity of his absence began to settle in.

Each new outfit I wanted to show him, every date I wished he could hear about and tease me over—these moments became painful reminders of the experiences we would never share again. These reminders, more than the initial shock of his passing, made the reality of his loss deeply real.

In the months that followed, I spiraled into darkness. I felt a deep, almost instinctive sense of duty to share in his sorrow, to let his absence define my own life. I questioned my existence,  thinking that if my little brother—the brightest and most loving soul I had ever known—couldn’t find happiness, then why should I? As his big brother, I felt a profound sense of failure. If only I  had shown him more clearly how much he inspired me and how deeply he mattered. I believed that by letting my life fall apart, I was honoring him. I was just biding my time, numbing myself into oblivion, and finding solace in his favorite movie, Barbie, as if its quest for purpose might bridge the gap between us.

But as Finn’s big brother, I came to realize that I had a responsibility to honor his memory in a way that truly reflected the life he lived. Resigning myself to despair wasn’t what he would have wanted. Finn lived each day true to himself, showing bravery in self-expression and authenticity that inspired everyone around him. His courage to be himself, despite the challenges, was a testament to his remarkable life.

Gradually, a new spark of realization began to emerge. Was I really honoring Finn’s memory by letting my own life crumble? No, I wasn’t. Finn’s legacy was about embracing life with authenticity and purpose, and that’s how I needed to honor him. His spirit, which had inspired me so deeply, called me to live with intention and resilience.

Living up to Finn was no easy task; his personality was larger than life. I realized that honoring him didn’t mean becoming him. Instead, it meant becoming the best version of myself. This journey isn’t just about surviving but thriving. It’s about finding the strength to keep going, no matter how tough things get. It means seeking out and cherishing the beauty in moments that might initially seem bleak or unremarkable. It’s about discovering joy and meaning even in the most unexpected places and finding beauty in things that may appear ugly on the outside.

For me, this has meant embracing my own quirks and differences with pride. It has meant wearing sparkles, glitter, and eyeliner in places they’re not usually worn, and being kind to those who might be hard to be kind to. It’s about living authentically, allowing myself to be different,  and celebrating my individuality.

None of these things are easy, and I still have a lot to work on. But I know that whenever I doubt myself, I have Finn’s spirit backing me up. By striving to be the best version of myself, I honor his memory and keep his spirit alive in everything I do. Together, we are unbreakable. In every challenge, I find a reason to move forward, to seek out beauty in the unexpected, and to live fully. Through this journey, I carry Finn’s legacy with me, ensuring that his light continues to shine through my actions and my life.

By sharing my story, I hope to shed some light on the journey of grief and the process of honoring our loved ones. It’s okay to be consumed by the emotions of loss, to feel the weight of grief deeply.

But somewhere along the way, we all face a choice: Will we let our sorrow define us, or will we find a way to move forward while carrying our loved ones with us?

Moving forward doesn’t mean leaving them behind; instead, it means carrying their spirit with us and living in a way that honors their memory. Finn’s life was a testament to living authentically and embracing every moment with courage. By striving to live fully and honor his legacy, I ensure that his light continues to guide me and inspire others, even in the face of loss.

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