Living with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder often feels like a constant fight—a fight to fit in, to tread water, sometimes just to stay alive. Most days are a battle; sometimes a new one, and sometimes one I’ve fought again and again. I know that I can do hard things, and I know that I will make it until tomorrow. I know how to manage a bad day.
But good days are weird for me. That’s odd, isn’t it? But it’s true.
On days when I’m not in survival mode, I don’t always know how to function. My mind is clearer, and I have more room for thoughts that aren’t negative. It’s a strange place to be in; living in the calm, wanting desperately to enjoy it, but being fearful that another storm could roll in at any second. It should be a relief. And it is. But it is also disorienting.
So I’ve been trying to figure out how to live life in the in-between. Here’s what I’m learning about “managing” the good days.
There is no reason to feel guilty.
Whew, that’s a heavy start, isn’t it? But I feel that it needs to be said. Because, really, there are times when I feel guilty for feeling positive, optimistic, and future-focused. I spend so much time living in the darkness that, to be honest, sometimes the light hurts my eyes. But that’s okay. Just because something isn’t comfortable doesn’t mean it is wrong. It’s not a betrayal of your struggles to enjoy the calm. I’m learning to let myself feel good without bracing for impact.
Good days are a chance to reconnect.
It may seem obvious, but I think it’s important to use this time wisely. Have you fallen behind on housework? Have you ghosted someone you care about? Is your refrigerator nothing but old milk and a mostly empty bottle of ketchup? Use the clarity to gently catch up. When it feels like a lot, take a break. Don’t overdo it. But don’t let this opportunity pass you by, either. These small, useful acts help anchor me in the present.
Finally, remember the things you love.
When you’re in a cycle of depression, it is so hard to do the things you love because, at the moment, they aren’t of any interest to you. Use the good days to seize the moment and fall in love with life again. Write your bad poetry. Go for a hike. Play bar trivia with your friends. Whatever it is you love to do, make sure you use this time to do it.
This isn’t a cure, or even a checklist. But it’s a start. I don’t always know how long the good days will last, but I’m learning to greet them with curiosity instead of fear. To let the light in, even if I’m still getting used to it.
Your diagnosis is not the end of your story. You are capable of living with bipolar disorder. Healing is still possible. We encourage you to use TWLOHA’s FIND HELP Tool to locate professional help and to read more stories like this one here. If you reside outside of the US, please browse our growing International Resources database. You can also text TWLOHA to 741741 to be connected for free, 24/7 to a trained Crisis Text Line counselor. If it’s encouragement or a listening ear that you need, email our team at [email protected].