Note: This piece talks about suicide ideation and self-injury. Please use your discretion.
In the past, I made the choice to end my life;
Pain scorched my soul
And darkness covered my eyes—
Pushing me towards the deep abyss
That is death.
I cried,
I screamed,
I ran,
I did the things that I had to do
To keep living a life
I didn’t want to live.
3 years out from one fateful day
And I still am visited by
The darkness that almost
Took me;
Though I am also introduced to the idea of
Choosing to live my life.
People will say that they made the choice
To take their life,
But they never say anything about
Choosing to live your life.
This idea tosses and turns inside of me
And it causes me more frustration
Then I can simply explain.
How do I choose to live my life?
What does that even mean?
How do I accept the darkness
And acknowledge the pain,
But not let them take permanent refuge
Inside of me?
Parts of me still want to choose to die,
But more of me is intrigued by the idea of choosing to live.
What does choosing to live mean to me?
It means basking in the sunny days:
Driving your car
With the windows down,
Music blaring through the speakers,
And the sun shining through the open sunroof;
Jumping into a pool
For the first time
On a sweltering hot day
And feeling the cool water
Bring you back to the present moment;
Hiking alongside friends and pups,
Walking through streams,
Climbing on rocks,
Getting mud on your knees,
Reminding you of your childhood
Before it was taken away.
It means finding joy in the cozy moments:
Putting a clean and soft
Oversized sweatshirt on
After taking a shower that feels
Truly amazing for no reason.
Snuggling your pup
As you fall asleep
Wrapped in blankets
on a snowy winter night;
Journaling on your balcony
As the sun sets and your
String lights start to shine
Like the stars in the sky.
It means connecting with those you love:
Hugging your best friend
After months apart
Like there has been no distance
Or time away;
Laughing until you can’t breathe
At the inside jokes,
Wild memories,
And random stories being told;
Dancing the night away
Out on the town,
In the living room,
Or even in the car,
Alongside the people who
Love you and your weird
Dance moves.
I guess choosing to live
Means choosing to engage in
The everyday moments
That seem so mundane
And loving the way they make
You feel whole.
Choosing to die
Is choosing to live
Only in the pain—
Something that is so valid
To be trapped within.
Choosing to live
Doesn’t mean that you no longer
Think about choosing to die;
It means that you choose to live
Despite the thoughts,
Feelings,
And urges
That try to lead you to the edge.
Choosing to die
Was the way that I was choosing to live.
Moving forward
And healing the wounds
That brought me here,
I no longer want to choose death…
I want to choose life.
I want to choose to live.