A woman named Brenda wrote the words below. Our relationship with Brenda began in March, when she attended our MOVE Community Conference in Austin. Two weeks ago, Brenda lost her daughter in a car accident. The words below are words of grief, words of honesty, words of mourning. They are an expression of pain. It is our belief that they are also brilliant and beautiful and powerful. We post them here believing that Brenda is not alone in the darkness of her loss, that other people know that place, have been there or will be there. We post Brenda’s words hoping that someone might read them and feel permission to be human, permission to ache. Perhaps more than anything, we post them in hopes that someone, maybe even you, might feel less alone.
The word “fuck” appears multiple times in this post. It crossed our minds not to post this here because we know that a lot of people have a problem with this word. While we certainly understand and respect that, our hope is that people will look beyond the profanity to the heart of the matter: These are the words of a grieving mother attempting to communicate how she feels. Her words are hers to choose. And while we believe that words are important, we certainly believe that people are more important.
And so we stand with Brenda in this time. And if you’re hurting right now, we stand with you as well.
***************************************************************************************************************
You are going along and you are maintaining your ground, your dignity, your sanity, and then WHAM! It comes undone. You may be paying the person at WalMart, sitting in Torchy’s, walking, sitting, sleeping, and then WHAM! It comes undone. You lose ground, lose dignity, lose insanity and the pain is so deep the only sense of reality you have is found in drowning. I weep and I drown in the pain.
And the f u’s come. Damn the f u’s. But are they not delicious? It is as if I am saying, Yes! Hand me the God damned apple! I will take a bite. Not just a tiny bite, but a big fucking bite of everything that is wrong in this world and I will vomit it out!
To the dude that was supposed to do the ONE GOD DAMNED THING I CARED ABOUT AT THE FUNERAL.
Thank you for fucking up the service!
Thank you for not being able to show the pictures at the funeral that I SPENT PAINFUL HOURS ON! THAT NEXT TO VIDEOING HER SERVICE SO ONE DAY HER DAUGHTER COULD SEE IT, WHICH I HAVE NO DOUBT YOU FUCKED UP THAT TOO, THANK YOU FOR FUCKING UP THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO ME!
Fuck you.
I forgive you.
To the woman who I had to talk to because now I have to buy a ticket for Avigail to go with us to Maine, thank you for hearing me cry as I had to explain that her mother died and now she was mine. THANK YOU FOR ENDING THE CONVERSATION WITH, I HOPE YOUR DAUGHTER GETS BETTER! THANK YOU FOR IGNORING WHAT I WAS SAYING AND BEING A DUMB ASS!
Fuck you.
I forgive you.
To those of you who walked out of the service, first let me say this, DO NOT explain yourself to me. You can’t. You did one of the most self- centered selfish things and when I walked out to get Avigail as I planned, just coming out of such horrible pain and grief and see all of you in the lobby laughing and joking, the sight made me want to vomit right there. I was totally taken off guard by your insensitivity and I was supposed to take Avigail back in…… I couldn’t. I was totally numb the rest of the reception because I was so hurt over that moment.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.
To the woman on Mopac who tailgated me to the point I simply came to a stop right on Mopac so she would go around me, and if she got out of the car, I planned on tearing her apart one limb at a time, thank you. Thank you for being an unbelievable idiot and being a conduit for my anger instead of on someone I love.
Fuck you.
I forgive you.
To the people who fart scripture at me and don’t know how to just talk like a normal person…
Fuck you.
I forgive you.
To the people who said I don’t know what to say, I don’t have words.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you Michael for looking me in the eyes when you were speaking of my daughter and Avigail.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you Arjun, I don’t know why, but your words to me were very healing.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you Taqwacore kids for tweeting that I look like Patti Smith. I don’t do tweeting, Lauren tried to get me too, but I never followed through with it, but it got back to me.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you to the young people who have messaged me what she meant to you.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you to my many, many, many friends TOO MANY TO NAME! who have reached out and said, I can’t sleep because of your pain, I can’t think because of your pain. Thank you for entering into my pain with me.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you to To Write Love on Her Arms (www.twloha.com) who sent me flowers and have entered into the pain of thousands and are not afraid!!!
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you Pastor Ryan and Pastor Randy for allowing messy people like me into your congregation and loving me and allowing me to be myself even though I am different from what you are used to.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you strippers and strip club managers that have over and over ministered to me with intense love.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you to my family.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you Justin for not committing suicide.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you Chriselda, my best friend, for EVERYTHING!
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you Delayne for paying my doctor bill when I was scared I would not be able to stand to deliver my daughter’s eulogy.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you to every person who has donated to the fund for Avigail.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you music for helping me to live and breathe.
Thank you.
I love you.
Thank you silence. Thank you sky. Thank you owl. Thank you acorn. Thank you ring. Thank you worn boots. Thank you mole. Thank you sand. Thank you blood. Thank you hair. Thank you white. Thank you torn veil. Thank you dark theatre. Thank you forgiveness. Thank you broken hip. Thank you water. Thank you dance. Thank you wound. Thank you scar. Thank you pain. Thank you joy. Fuck you night, thank you morning.
I love you.