Before this website or facebook or wherever it is that you’re reading these words, before this organization or movement or a story called “To Write Love on Her Arms,” there were three friends in a small house in Orlando in 2006. It was David McKenna’s house and Renee was there because of David McKenna’s story and even more because of his heart. Renee was in the middle of addiction and depression, trying to find a way out. Renee connected with David because he could relate, because he had been there, because he wanted her to be free.
i was the roommate, a sales rep not wired for sales and a surfer trying to find a home an hour from the ocean. We were perhaps an odd pair, as David and i dressed different, listened to different music, drove very different cars. And yet i found in him a friend. Not just a friend but a brother. That magical depth and commitment and knowing that one cannot explain. We laughed hard and often, had great talks and rooted for each other.
As far as the five days go, Renee stayed clean and stepped into treatment. David was the leader all the way, for he had walked the road and for that was who he was. He was a leader. All of it was new for me – i had never been there, never had those conversations. i ended up writing about it, two and a half pages with a title taken from a phrase inside the story. To Write Love on Her Arms. Renee entered treatment and the story took on a life of its own. Messages arrived from around the world and curious t-shirts began showing up on stages and in airports and classrooms. Perhaps the rest is history and i am thankful for that history.
But it goes back to David. He was the unsung hero. He was the quiet strength, the giant heart. He was the leader because he knew Renee’s pain and he understood her disease, for it lived inside of him as well. She was a thing of contrast and he was absolutely that as well. Pain and hope, past and future, addiction and recovery, lies and truth, fears and dreams – they lived side by side inside him. Inside of both of them.
As the years went on, our friendship was challenged. David managed Renee, because she trusted him and because he knew business. And there was not a handbook for what was happening – how to navigate attention and money and mistakes and sobriety and privacy all mixed together. i was painted the hero as TWLOHA took off. There were highs and lows, arguments and lawyers and entire years of silence. Mostly there was distance.
Around 2009, i began hearing talk of a movie based on Renee’s life, a story that would of course involve TWLOHA. David was the driving force behind it. People asked if i would be involved, if TWLOHA would be involved. Honestly, i was afraid and i was against it. How can we make a movie when we can’t even be in the same room together? In the story they wanted to tell, was i the hero or the villain?
Months went by and my friend Cole emailed me to say the whole thing broke his heart. His email broke the silence i had chosen. i didn’t know how to deal with the situation so i simply avoided it. Cole said he wished for peace, that we could all be friends again. He said the movie shouldn’t happen without me. i connected with his words, i wanted the same, but i didn’t know how to get there. i ran into my friend Josh a couple weeks later in Atlanta. Josh was involved in the movie and we ended up talking for five hours. By the end of the conversation, i felt hope that things could be restored.
i took a meeting with the movie folks and i ended up getting involved in the film. i said yes for two reasons:
#1 – i believed in the story. Believed it had the power to move people and so i cared how it was told.
#2 – i wanted my friends back. i wanted peace between us.
The movie was filmed over five weeks in Orlando in 2011. It was awkward walking onto the set the first day, but David and i quickly hugged and found a way to laugh. i was supposed to be on set for one day before leaving for Australia, but after a couple hours on set, i knew that it was too special to walk away from. i cancelled my Australia trip.
In the weeks that followed, David and i talked about the hard stuff. We apologized and said we loved each other. We started over. We started laughing again. We started rooting for each other again. i got my friend back.
There has been peace ever since. i wish we had spent more time together, but i am thankful that the pain gave way to peace. i knew that he loved me and he knew that i loved him. We were for the other, not against. i saw him a few times, mostly when we would bring staff and interns to his house to screen (see) the movie. He was always warm and kind, a gracious generous host. We always made each other laugh. We talked about getting together, crossing the hour between us for we knew the friendship was more than worth the drive. But we were both busy and so it was always put on hold.
The last time i heard from David was on November 24. He reached out to tell me that he was touched by my Thanksgiving blog. We traded emails and agreed that we should get together soon. The last thing he said to me was that he loved me.
David was killed in a car accident two days ago. He was driving fast and it was late and i don’t know the details. i don’t know about his death but i know a few things about his life:
David McKenna was one of a kind. No part of him was average. He was passionate and generous and kind. i have never had more conflict with a person and yet it’s hard to imagine liking a person more. We had a unique connection when it came to humor. i have so many memories of laughing so hard with David. He felt things deeply, believed deeply, worked hard. To have him in your corner was a powerful thing.
When i was first getting to know David, he invited me to the Grammy’s in Los Angeles. i was part of a group of 7 or 8 from Orlando, all David’s friends. We had no business being there and knew nothing of how it worked. We just knew it was cool and that David had tickets and he wanted us there. i remember we were all super excited about the red carpet. We just assumed that if you went to the Grammy’s, you walked in with the stars. We learned that’s not how it works, but that’s not to say the night was a letdown. It’s a memory i’m sure every one of those guys treasures today. i know i do.
When i was his roommate, our living room wasn’t big but we had stadium seating and it’s possible that the speakers were worth more than the house. He loved nice things. He loved film and music and the business of those worlds. He loved sharing things.
i wish we had another 30 years. i laugh through tears at the thought of him as an old man. He would have been a hilarious grumpy old man. Life is fragile and death is real and so we will not get to know. It’s easy to ache for what’s gone and for all that will not be. My heart breaks for his girlfriend Andrea – such a gift of beauty and grace, such a quiet strength in his life these last few years. My heart breaks for his parents and his brother and for his many friends. But for me, through these tears and through this ache a third straight day, i am also thankful.
i am thankful that i got to know David McKenna. i am thankful to be able to say that he is one of my all-time best friends. That i was known and loved by David is one of the great gifts of my life. i can hear his laughter, can hear his deep “That’s awwwwwesome” and “Really man? Really?” and “How are you?” We get a lot of how-are-you’s in this life and they come in different shades. For me, David’s was real and deep. We were both broken people and we knew it. We were both roller coasters. We both wore our hearts on our sleeve. We both believed big things were possible.
To Write Love on Her Arms would not exist if not for David McKenna. He did not just provide the setting. Our story grew from his, from his war with addiction, from his fight for hope and change, for healing and sobriety.
And so this will be his legacy. Not all of it but part of it. This work we do, this message making its way around the world, this belief that healing can happen and that sobriety is worth fighting for, we will do this work for him.
When i stand on stage every night for three weeks on the HEAVY AND LIGHT tour, he will be inside me. i will remember his dreams and i will tell his story and i will cry for as long as it takes, for he is worth my tears. i will miss him backstage and in the balcony in Orlando on the last night of the tour. He spoke there last year. He and Renee shared and introduced a clip from the movie. He told me he was honored, that it meant the world to him to be included, to be up there.
If you love somebody, tell them. If there is conflict, let it go and fight instead for peace. Break the numb false silence and break the distance too. Laugh and cry and apologize and start again. This life is short and fragile but friendship is among the greatest miracles.
David McKenna was my friend. He changed my life. He loved me and i loved him and i will not forget him.
Peace to you.
jamie
PS: Two powerful videos:
David’s story of addiction and recovery in his own words.
Rupert Friend on playing David McKenna in RENEE the movie. (He steals the show, which is appropriate)
Karen
jaime, i just finished watching the movie, To Write Love on Her Arms. I looked up David and stumbled on this blog. I’m so sorry for your loss. And I want to thank you for writing Renee’s story. I have followed TWLOHA since MySpace and I’m grateful it’s still very active (although I do wish it didn’t have to be).
Sarah
Hey. This is a powerful story. Jaimie, I am so, so sorry for your loss. For this entire world’s loss. I watched TWLOHA almost immediately after it came out, and I love David. I barely know him, nothing compared to you, but he was such a great person. I paid the full price of two TWLOHA T-Shirts and I have various cards that came with the shirts hung up on my wall. You gave and still give me hope. I watched the movie a minimum of 5 times. I read at least 40 blogs in the 1 year I have been following TWLOHA, and have some saved so I can reread them when I need hope. Love always, Sarah
Stephen Koser
I send a driven thought white VW aside summer of (98) I think sending James West and Dave down to fullsale. get me wrong but Dave introduced to me sound in which the fans can be in charge of the lyrics. How inspiring to a quiet crud or small venue or a loud croud fan base to quiet them…only with laughtering ponder of course? Who knows. We know the power he embraced. He was a touch of magic that must have been wrapped in a scroll for us to learn the rest with his fireyflaim.
Paul Gair
Just viewed the movie To Write Love On Her Arms and thinking of David having died after being so pivotal in providing Renee with a sanctuary breaks my spirit and brings fort tears. Of course, the tears will dry and my spirit will mend but David will remain lost to his friends and all who have learnt of his kindness.
Tim Roberts
Great Message. I’m living a life in recovery as well. It’s hard stuff to deal with. I knew David, just a little, I was his lawn guy at his home in Orlando. I was always impressed by him. I wish I had known him more now, because of the battles and demons I am fighting. Isaac Hunter is and was my friend. He lost his battle to addiction. I was truly taken back and discouraged by Issacs passing. I entered recovery. 18 months being sober my wife of 11 years filed for divorce and took my two children. I’m still fighting. I’m clean and sober today, by Gods Grace. But I’m still struggling. I’m in a group of men struggling with similar stories and that’s the next right thing. I’ve enjoyed TWLOHA’s blogs and I feel like there’s more help I need. I just need more people. I welcome your feedback
Amanda
I also suffer from addiction, David and Renees story have brought me so much hope, and faith, although I still find it difficult to push forward, for me it’s the fear of withdrawl, the pain associated with quitting, the fear I won’t succeed, the fear of letting others down and dissappointing them, and my family. I hope one day to have the courage and strength to fight this, until then……..
Thank you for making me realize there is hope!
Layana
Beautiful text…beautiful movie and story… and I’m so sorry for your lost..