Dear bane of my existence, dear omnipresent excuse, dear crippling frenemy …
How do you manage to keep showing up at the worst times? No offense or anything, but that whole gig in the middle of that crowded Wal-Mart? News flash, but the frozen food aisle isn’t a cool place to freak out (no pun intended). And, just as I’m about to convince myself I have a hold on things, you remind me of how many different grocery cart paths I’m obstructing by just existing.
Oh, and how could I forget your tendency to butt into all of my conversations? When you jump in like you do, I overanalyze every movement, every facial expression, of the person I am speaking to. Friend, acquaintance, cashier at a drive-thru—every single one. You present me with all of the most intricate worst-case scenarios. What if they hate me? What if I just said something really stupid?
Don’t even get me started on text messages. With you around, a message saying “Hey” with a period at the end gets me panicking that there is a bitter undertone I’m meant to decode. With you, one simple “Hey” isn’t a greeting; it’s a matter of life and death.
Perhaps it would be easier if you were a person, to have conversations with you and hear your side of the story. But of course, you are no person; you are nothing that I can ever see. First, you came to me with the name of Social Anxiety Disorder, a companion to my attention deficit. But as time passed by, you earned another name: Generalized Anxiety Disorder.
It’s safe to say, although you still run rampant while I dream—God forbid I get an ounce of restful sleep for once—you don’t hold nearly as much influence over me as you once did. Thanks to counseling and medication, I can now self-talk my way into managing my time spent with you.
They used to speak as if, one day, we would part ways. After all of these years, I know you are a permanent part of my life, but that doesn’t mean you have to rule my life.
You’re the reason I have to remind myself to breathe, the reason why tiny tasks can send me into a non-stop frenzy until they are completed. You’re the reason I have to take pills every day, and why I can’t handle the days when I don’t. You’re the reason I have emergency Xanax when the normal dose doesn’t work.
For all these things, I used to blame myself instead of you. Doing so only encouraged you—it only made you stronger. But now I can claim the title of the stronger one. Despite the pain you’ve caused, I have accepted you as a part of me, just not all of me.
You are not me.
All in all, you have caused me a lifetime of pain and frustration. I wish I could say goodbye; we both know that’s never going to happen.
But that doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying.
Alicia
Wow that just made my whole day complete….*understanding*
emily
#understanding
Carla
Awesome blog. I love how you speak TO it. It gave me a new perspective on how to deal with my own issues.
Kelsey
This post really spoke to me. Especially the part in the beginning about wal*mart. I have had that experience. Thank you for sharing this! It gives me hope that I can over come this. It helps me see that I can do this…
Ashley Coulter
“Doing so only encouraged you—it only made you stronger. But now I can claim the title of the stronger one. Despite the pain you’ve caused, I have accepted you as a part of me, just not all of me.
You are not me.”
The above quote was incredibly moving. I love how Alicia is reclaiming herself–the statement of “you are not me” is powerful. Generalized Anxiety Disorder is not who you are, it’s something you have.
This is beautiful and well written, Alicia.
grace
I thought I was the only one.
Crystal
You’re never alone. Somewhere, there’s someone having similar issues, so finding help isn’t impossible. You can do it. We all can.
Mel
I read this during one of my anxiety attacks at target. Thank you for posting this, it’s true & as always makes me feel better by knowing I’m not the only one that goes through this. Thank you (:
Laurie
Those kind of texts make me feel like an extra-Xanax dose. Just feel so good to feel understood.
Anonymous
This is truly a day to day experience for me. I loved it. It put my life in perspective even though it kills me to read it, it was just what I needed.
Allison
I have to agree with Alicia. Thank you for writing this!
Anonymous
It was like someone was reading my thoughts. It’s nice to know I’m not alone or a freak for feeling this way. I’m trying to deal w/ it w/o meds. And I know it will always be a part of me and I guess that’s ok, I just have to do things differently.
Jen
I tried for a year to go without the meds. I almost killed me. I had to realize that taking meds does not make me weak. They’ve helped me to become stronger. Never again will I make that mistake. God luck.
JW
This describes everyday of my life. Thanks for saying it so beautifully.
JenN.
Wow. Did are we the same person. I feel the same way and know anxiety is part of my life. I too will not let it become who I am.
Anonymous
If you don’t stop trying, there is a way. Believe me, there’s a way, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Mary
Reading this made me realize that I am not lacking in self confidence. More of the symptoms are anxiety than loser. Thank you
Brandi
Once again someone gets it. All of it. From texts to grocery stores to insomnia. Thanks.
Diana
Ditto to Brandi’s comment. I’ve lived with GAD for 54 years. Faith in Jesus, therapy, medications have kept me going day after day.
My heartfelt advice to all: Never give up searching to find the peace, joy and happiness that is out there just waiting for you. You are all beautiful and loved!
Meredith
This is how I feel sometimes. Lately my anxiety has been getting worse and its really starting to cause problems. Like today, when I woke up and remembered it was my first practice of the new basketball season on a new team, I started freaking out and losing breath. I could barely breath and I almost tried to fake being sick to get out of it.
Stefani
I feel this everyday and I hate it. Some days are better than others, but this fear, this crippling disability always rears its ugly head in the worst of times. Thank you for reminding me that I am not alone and that it can get better. You have given me hope.
Sylvia
Fear is crippling if I try to think about living the whole day all at once. I try to only think about the day in minutes and do what must be done first, then what must be done next. Minute by minute is how I make some days.
Kennah
So, I just took one of the most famous personality tests (RHETI) for one of my college courses, and I found that I’m a “Loyalist.” This category of people are caring and hardworking, but they don’t have a great deal of self-confidence and suffer from anxiety / doubt.
After taking this quiz and reading the depth of its characteristics, I have come to understand that my anxiety isn’t something I deal with. It’s a part of who I am. And all of my life, I’ve been living as if it’s a total burden that I was punished with, a trait that will always define how I react. But after this test, I’m now realizing that I need to find the power in my anxieties. I need to explore them and see what sets them off. I need to be flexible and hear what my anxieties want to say.
Having anxiety can bean obstacle. But instead of being afraid to risk the jump, I’m going to dare to observe its dynamics and hurdle them when they cross my path in the future.
Wishing you luck as well.
Jen E
I’m super proud reading this. I’m thrilled with all the work you are doing — helping others find their strength too.
Nikki
I have been battling anxiety and panic for 17 years some days are better than others but I understand and sympathize with your every word while I have found many helpful things it seems like anxiety is just like your shadow always right there with you
Dani Wenger
That was so beautiful! From someone who constantly worries and stresses out over menial things, that was excellent to hear. I hope you as well, will truly conquer your anxiety. Cheers and love!
Anonymous
wow i couldnt have said it better myself. this is amazing. and so very accurate. just need to get myself into counseling and on some medication so hopefully i can someday say that it doesnt rule my life. that i am not constantly worrying and freaking out. awake and asleep.
C.Hodge
I needed this!
Fatimah
Everything I feel in words. It’s a part of me but it isn’t all I am and will not define or defeat me! Or any of you 😉
Thanks and good luck with everything xxx
HannahRose
This is all so true…
Grace
I was just scrolling through my facebook feed when I saw a link to this blog. I can’t even begin to tell you how many problems I’ve had with my anxiety lately. It’s been conrtrolling my life at school, work, home, and with my boyfriend. He’s had to calm me down far too many times in the middle of the night because one tiny thing he said threw me into a panic attack. I’m just now taking medication for it and setting am appointment with my therapist to get control of it. What you said in this blog rings so true in my life. So, thank you. These words help put things into perspective a little bit more. It doesn’t have to destroy me. I don’t have to give up the fight. Thank you.
Kylie
And now I finally know that there is a reason behind madness. Thank you.
HannahE15
this is exactly how I feel but I couldn’t put it into words. Love this
nowiknow_whatnext
Its not something made up. Sometimes I still think I just need to get a grip of myself and remind myself to breathe all day. I truly hate IT. I believe IT is the reason I have not have a normal relationship. The reason I froze with my now ex so often. I couldnn’t forgive myself for JUST NOT SNAPPING OUT OF IT. I knew I had some sort of anxiety problem.. but I didn’t realize how much IT was not..me.
Gaby
I’m so glad you’re overcoming this disorder. I know what it feels like. I really hope one day I can say say the same words you’re saying now: You are not me.
🙂
Katie
Wow. I could have written this myself! I had the same experience in the frozen food section of Wal-Mart! And I also have Attention Deficit. Everything was dead on. Someone actually understands how I feel.
Urban Flowerpot
SO well put! Thank you!
Anonymous
Thank you for writing that. I needed it.
Anonymous
Wow! I totally understand this. Thanks for posting.
tammy
Thanks for posting. I’ll stop beating myself up now that I know someone else does these things.
Stephani
I love this letter. it really explains the struggle I go through everyday. What makes mine a little worse for me, I’m not saying I have it harder than you, is that I have OCD to go along with it. So when all those crazy thoughts come to my mind, all those worst case scenarios, its like somebody takes over my body and makes me do things to try and figure out the answer. Like, if the guy I love says he wants some space, I completely do the opposite of what he says, because I want to know why he wants space. I want to know why he wants space, I want to know what he’s thinking, I want to know how he thinks it will end in a good or bad way, and it keeps me from giving him his space, and it pushes him away from me. I’ve lost love because of this disease, this horrible thing that I fight everyday. The people at To Write Love on Her Arms seem like the only people that understand.
It Won't Define Me
I totally agree with everything in this post. I have suffered with intense, fearful “over-analyzing” my whole life, and was just this summer diagnosed with social anxiety, general anxiety, and OCD. After starting medication, my condition no longer defines my life and I now have the power to self-talk myself away from entering a panicked frenzy. Thanks for being brave enough to write something so many people can relate to.
anonymous
i had cancer a couple of years ago that has left me to have anxiety issues. This post hit home for me on so many levels- I don’t try to let my anxiety define me, though sometimes it rears it’s ugly head.. I don’t try to let my cancer and the medication I am on for the rest of my life as a result define me either, though that can be just as hard to balance..
In any event, thank you for posting this. It’s nice to know I am not alone.
Anonymous
Awesome way to express anxiety!! It will always be apart of us but it does not have to rule our existence!!!
Jacquie
this is amazing 🙂 thank you.
Kylie
Coming from someone who has a generalized anxiety disorder and depression, I can relate. Thank you for posting this. It reminds me to appreciate that anxiety no longer rules me, I rule it. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Thank you <3
Samantha
Your words perfectly describe my life. I’m not yet to the point where I can calm myself down or even rationalize the situation, but thank you so much for giving me hope about the future.
Caitlin
I never knew that there was so many people out there who have suffered as much as I have. The people around me love me but have no idea what I go through, and they don’t get it. They just assume because it is all in my head that I can just get over it. I always thought I was the messed up one, I let it defeat me and take over my life. I was diagnosed with social anxiety when I was about 13 along with generalized anxiety, depression, and because I’ve hidden from it they now call me an agoraphobic. I’ve let it ruin me. Ruin opportunities, relationships, my life. But after reading your letter and all these comments I know I am not alone. I know it will always be in my life but I know now it doesn’t have to be my life. I can overcome this. I can get my life back. I dont have to live in fear anymore. Thank you for giving me hope back.
Fatafehi Ditoka
We are more than conquerors…
Tori
This just made my day. It’s beautiful. This will never be forgotten. “You are not me.” That was just awakening.
Evelyn
I love this so much. It’s so incredibly true, and I love how it personified anxiety and was written in letter format. Awesome!
Amanda
I can so relate to this blog entry. Thanks for being brave enough to share your struggle. Anxiety does not like when we find people similar to us. I feel more sane and that I’m okay at this present moment (which is weird because I always think I’m not okay when I am okay because of my anxiety friend/enemy/thing I have to live with). Your story is amazing. Keep on going. You got this. I mean, we got this.
Cheri
I got the chills reading this. Life has been very trying recently and I have been letting anxiety win and get the best of me. After reading what you wrote I know I am strong enough to not let it keep winning and I can get it back under control. Thank you for sharing this!
Atheena
Because those who suffer from this know the all too familiar sense of over-analyzing every detail of the day. Maybe i shouldn’t eat grapes, the seeds might choke me, the peel might not entirely breakdown into mush and then how long will that take to digest whole rather than broken up. Did he halfway smile at me? what does that mean, does he like me, does he think this is a joke, am i funny, should i joke more or walk away… oh god im doing it again.. choking and feeling like im walking too close to the street and maybe one of the drivers isnt paying attention and searching for a cd and veers a little right and hits me from behind.
these are my struggles and i am just now trying to find help for them. Thank you for making me feel like i am not alone.
Andrew poikus
This is all too familiar for me. As I read this I could relate to just about everything in this story. I know all to well the frenzy of thoughts and emotions being in a large or even small unorganized or cluttered loud group can cause.
Dee
Thank you for writing this. I really needed this
Anonymous
Wow… And I thought people didn’t get it. This is so totally spot on. I thought I was the only one who had these things come out of nowhere with no warning. Especially the over analyzing texts and little tasks that send me over the edge. I thought I was weird. People usually just chalk it up to me being me. But I know thats not really who I am. These things just sort of happen and I can’t help it sometimes.
GE
From one writer to another, you are extremely talented. Thank you for putting to words what so many of us deal with everyday.
Danica
Amazing <3
Rivka
So good to know I’m not the only one who has freaked out about the weirdest things. Sometimes being scared of everything at once and frozen in place because I’m afraid that any move is somehow wrong. Then feeling guilty that I haven’t gotten my responsibilities done. Which brings more anxiety. blah
Joe Sewell
Thank you. You helped make my day.
Carli
Wow. This was absolutely amazing. A great way to explain to people who don’t have anxiety or understand much about it. And truly brave to post it online for all of us to read. Thank you.
Kristin
Exactly…
Anonymous
Exactly…
Anonymous
You know you’ve come across a well written article, when it is painful to read.
Jordan
Acceptance.
Anonymous
That was amazing. Felt I was reading a letter to my own anxiety.
Susie R
Perfect way to put it into perspective. Sometimes we need that little reminder that, even though we take meds, those stupid anxiety attacks in the most public places, that restlessness(god! The reslessness!) all of that is NOT all of our being and we ARE steonger than that. Thanks for the humor
Susie R
Perfect way to put it into perspective. Sometimes we need that little reminder that, even though we take meds, those stupid anxiety attacks in the most public places, that restlessness(god! The restlessness!) over analyzing everything under the sun, all of that is NOT all of our being and we ARE stronger than that. Thanks for the humor, im not gonna lie i laughed and cried while reading this. Slightly redic. but you know how it goes
Susie R
Perfect way to put it into perspective. Sometimes we need that little reminder that, even though we take meds, those stupid anxiety attacks in the most public places, that restlessness(god! The restlessness!) over analyzing everything under the sun, all of that is NOT all of our being and we ARE stronger than that. Thanks for the humor, im not gonna lie i laughed and cried while reading this. Slightly redic. but you know how it goes
Anonymous
Thank you 🙂
Kacey Jo
Thank You!!
Anonymous
I relate 100%. This has been my life from the very first moment my heart could feel.
Zai
This is awesome. So true. “I have accepted you as a part of me, just not all of me.” I’m working on that.
Sarah Be
Thank you so much. I have needed this.
Your Bro
Alicia, thank you so much for sharing this. You are an incredible writer, and I am so proud of you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with the world. You are an inspiration!! I love you!
Your Bro
Alicia, thank you so much for sharing this. You are an incredible writer, and I am so proud of you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with the world. You are an inspiration!! I love you!
T
I am new to understanding why I freak out all the time. Why I am “high strung” and “neurotic”. Why people call me high maintenance, and I want to shut down so bad that I bite my arm to stay in the moment. I just started on some meds, and I am hoping they will work, but fearing, as always, that nothing will ever help me cope without pain. Thank you for posting and for understanding.
Cody
Amazing. My way of life I struggle with everyday.
Clarissa
This has helped me see my anxiety in a whole new light. Thank you for posting this it really has helped me.
Clarissa
This has helped me see my anxiety in a whole new light. Thank you for posting this it really has helped me.
Anonymous
Two words… Thank you. This has given me hope to cope and deal with my anxiety x
Rory
wow this is so relevant to me today too! i had to present infront of my class and had to excuse myself right before to freak the f out in the bathroom. im getting a second chance at the report, and i’ll be sure to read this right before. xx
Abrielle
You just described my whole life
Abrielle
You just described my whole life
Ashley
I saw this right after I met with a counsellor and it gives me even more hope for getting better! I just started university a couple of months ago and it’s been getting worse ever since, so I decided to see a counsellor. It’s so comforting to know that other people feel this way, even if we don’t know each other personally. We’re never alone 🙂
Chris Riley
This pretty much described my life. I am always afraid to talk with people for fear of judgment. I fear that everyone is always judging me at all times and i can never shake that feeling. Even my girlfriend i feel like is judging me whenever i talk to her. The only time i really feel at peace is when I am on this website reading others stories and knowing that I am not alone in this “battle” that has a death grip on my life. Depression or anxiety both are the reason I am not very outgoing and why I am scared to make new friends and why I hang on so tightly to the friends i currently have. I don’t like that I am this way but I know I should not keep putting myself down for it and just accept it and know that I can overcome it in my own way.
Katy
Thank you for this.
Joanna
This
This has made my life worth it today – I have smiled, sympathised and grimaced reading this. I hate having to take tablets and always blamed myself for being weak but now I see this is not the case. It lives with me but does not define me – yeah! Thank you x
Dani
Thank you for this, it really helped me come to terms with my anxiety! Mine may not be an official diagnosed disorder but my anxiousness kept me from dealing with my emotions and almost tore me apart just this past weekend. Reading this just made life better because it’s true, we’re not alone in our weaknesses and we’re not alone in our strengths! Thanks for finally learning how to deal with my anxiety, I’m finally doing things that I’ve always wanted to do and I’m feeling fabulous! I hope you have an amazing time with TWLOHA. Cheers!
Andrea
Thank you for posting this! I think this is one of my favorite blog posts ever by twloha (and it’s hard for me to pick). I understood everything you said and could relate to every sentence. Thank you for giving me words to live by to help!
Jessica
preach.
Brenna staples
I cant even try to have friends or a boyfriend because my anxiety sticks me at home all night, i feel awful because when i have a good day….i have no one to share it with…i dont know how to help myself 🙁
Rebecca
As I sit and type this,I’m going through so much anxiety over an issue right now. For months I blamed myself I’m just not working hard enough,an everyone’s against me. Its the fear and anxiety taking over me,the fear that if I ask for help everyone will think I can’t handle things. This post came at such the right time and I know I can beat the anxiety and I should really ask for help. Thank you for this inspiring post!
Katie
This is pretty much word for word how I feel. I’ve had the panic attacks in Walmart about the cart paths, the over-thinking and over-analyzing everything. It was great to see my feelings put into such a powerful letter. Thank you. Made my whole day.
Emilie
Thank you so much for this. I’ve had a generalized anxiety diagnosis since I was 17. Along with having it in my daily life, job, relationships, you name it, it’s also very present in my relationship with my husband. Although he is the most trustworthy man I could have married, it makes me believe that I can’t trust him, I’m afraid he doesn’t love, me as much as I love him, I feel as if he has ulterior motives for our relationship, all of which are totally false. I often feel like such a burden to him and work so hard to keep IT in check. Thank you – now I don’t feel so alone anymore. Thank you so much for that.
Emily
Dear Emilie, you are not alone!! This was me too for 2 years. I thought that something bad would happen. I thought that he would cheat on me. I couldn’t sleep. I would lay awake shaking. Every time I freaked out, he would say, “don’t worry. I will never leave you. we will get through this.” And we did. It took 2 years. Now, my anxiety is about everything else in life…but I conquered all the fears about abandonment and him cheating on me. He is my hero and rock. You can do it. Don’t give up!
Analisa
Reading this gives me hope that there will be brighter days, that I’ll be able to wake up with out the anxiety from just the thought that I might of over slept, that I’ll be able to stand in big crowds or even go to big stores without having an anxiety attack, and that if I ever want kids if they have anxiety as bad as me I’ll have enough wisdom and strength to help them when they need it.
Erin
The eloquence of the words – so very relatable. Thank you for sharing. For those who have been there – I apprecaite your strength.
Skylar
I could swear this is my writing, but its not. Its someone else s that is dealing with everything that I have, and that’s amazing. I used to think that my anxiety would go away but now I’ve came to the exception that its here to stay but it will not control my life. Literally EVERY SINGLE LINE is relevant to me and my feeling and my life..
Kat O.
right now, at this moment, i am in the middle of a two hour anxiety attack. i have had breakdowns today; frustrated and worn out by the anxiety. i was finding it hard to breath. then this brought a few cleansing tears to my eyes and reminds me at least one person can relate. i know these words haven’t fully hit me yet, but thank you for writing them cause i know that when my mind fully embraces them they will save me and help me find the light in this dark hole of a day.
Emily
just sat and cried. i am not alone. thank you for telling me that. i hope one day i never feel anxiety, never have an attack, never cry in public for no reason…i wish it didn’t have such a hold. someday it won’t. thanks for showing me that life can move on. <3
CJ
Just existing and knowing that I am putting people in positions to go out of their way makes me want to cry. I am happy that it seems a lot of people struggle with this.
Anonymous
You are strong, and today you made me a little bit stronger. Thank you for saying something that I never really had the guts to say. Please continue to inspire others.
Mahendra Trivedi
Thanks for share. You every sentence is encouraging. I love the way how you explained everything.
Mahendra Trivedi
Anonymous
Yeah, the emergency meds you have to carry around even when you’re going to see a friend or do something you want to do because who knows what will cause a trigger. Heck, just thinking about what could cause a trigger is enough to bring on an attack. Well written, so accurate.
Pamela Chollet
Great Article! Indeed, anxiety is one of the most common issues nowadays, and it can hit almost any age. Thanks for sharing! Keep on writing.
Pamela
Reneé
I could relate to almost every sentence I read. This experience resonates so much with me. You are not alone. Keep holding on.
“God, grant [us] the serenity to accept the things [we] cannot change,
The courage to change the things [we] can,
And the wisdom to know the difference “. -Reinhold Niebuhr
nadeem
This was a nice read. I suffer from this too. We need to stay strong and keep fighting. Can’t allow this to rule our lifes 🙂
Chuck
This was a truly inspiring message thanks for sharing! It’s stories and heartbreaks like these that inspire some friends and I to build a startup meant to help those anxiety cope. We’ve all had our struggle and it’s good to know that we are not alone.
Jess
Thank you. Truly.
The Anxiety Guy
Great looking blog for anxiety. Inspiring posts and I think we need more info like this to find a way through our fears and inspire others as we do so.
LivingWithGAD
Check out my blog on Generalized Anxiety Disorder! I have had GAD for months now and I thought I would share my tips with others going through the same thing or watching someone they love suffer from GAD. Go to:
livingwithgad.com
Thank you!
Marianela
I loved reading your post – a lot of people can relate to this. People fighting anxiety conceal their anxiety and they do everything in their power to make sure people don’t see their struggle. We should try and reach out to people who feel they don’t fit in and let them know they’re not alone.
Serina
This just turned my day around !
Gunner
Addicted to Worry: My Life with Generalized Anxiety Disorder by Steve Swain M.Ed. is an excellent read about GAD and its gripping impact. Very worthwhile read and highly recommended.
https://www.amazon.com/Addicted-Worry-Generalized-Anxiety-Disorder/dp/1979992177/
Sylvia
I have lots of anxiety and depression and epilepsy
TWLOHA
Hi Sylvia,
We know how hard to can be to struggle with depression and anxiety and epilepsy. We also understand that it’s a difficult thing to say share, so thank you for finding the courage to tell us this.
We hope you know that your struggles are valid and that there is help out there for you. Would you email our team at info@twloha.com so we can learn more about you and offer you some support?
It would be an honor to hear from you.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Lillian Plummer
Thank you. Some days I feel like I’m drowning; it helps to know other people are trying to keep themselves in the boat too.
Anonymous
I think you have written my life story. Alicia Gillman, thank you for allowing your letter to be posted.
BRANDON BUONICONTI
To start off I want to thank you. Tonight after reading this article it made me realize I am not alone.
I am a 21 year old single male, who never believed anxiety was real, until it became part of my life. It has taken me to the point where I am slowly driving my best friend from my life. I really wish I would have listened to my doctor and the ones who told me I do need help. Please if I can be of any advice embrace the counseling, dont drive loved ones and friends away or yourself. Start help before it makes you regret. Thank you.
Nomee
Love this blog. You are very brave and I applaud your attitude.
Amy
Thank you for writing this! I can see myself within your words…I admire your strength! There is hope!