Last month, TWLOHA founder Jamie’s TEDx Talk “Depression and Desire” was released, and with it, we shared a discussion guide to prompt reflection after watching it. Many of our Street Team members tackled the questions and challenges raised by the talk, and we wanted to share some of their relatable and encouraging responses here.
If you haven’t yet, we’d love for you to watch “Depression and Desire,” work through the discussion guide, and let us know how it gets you thinking. You can watch the video here and print off your own discussion guide here.
1. “We’re afraid of being judged, we’re afraid of being misunderstood, we’re afraid of being labeled.”
What keeps you from speaking up about the hard or vulnerable parts of your life?
- · “I think I am most afraid of others seeing a part of me that isn’t whole, that isn’t fixed. “
- · “I always believed that I needed to be strong and hide the messed up and sad parts about myself so others would feel better.”
- · “The hard and vulnerable parts of my life are struggles of mine that are surrounded by stigma and pain, and it’s very hard to overcome that stigma when it continues to be represented so strongly in mainstream culture. “
2. “I would imagine that your story is one that includes desire, and I would imagine it includes depression. And maybe if you don’t relate to that word, I could imagine that something you relate to is pain, or feeling stuck, or bumping into some really big questions in this life.”
Think of your experiences that have been impacted by pain, disappointment, or depression. How do you interact with those tough places in your life?
- · “I allow myself to grieve, however long it takes. I try to remember the good times and look back on them fondly.”
- · “When I hit a bump in the road, I keep going. I used to let it stop me in my tracks, but I have learned to hold my head up high and wear my bravery and subtle strength like armor.”
What are your greatest desires and dreams? How are you moving toward or away from them? What do you need to get started or make progress?
- · “My greatest dream is to get to know myself on a level that I no longer feel the need to self-harm or self-doubt. Although I have my ups and downs, I think ultimately in my life I am moving toward that dream. To make progress, I think I need to make more time for myself and for spending time with people who lift me up.”
- · “I’m in the process of applying to school right now and am moving toward my goals, but I’m also trying to be as open as possible to whatever direction they might lead me.”
3. “My hope is that you feel like there are some people you can be honest with.”
Think of the people in your life right now. Who are you really honest and vulnerable with? What is it about those individuals that makes you feel like you can confide in them?
- · “They [are all] amazing listeners and they can relate to my pain of losing both a friend and the feeling of feeling like I am drowning some days.”
- · “I’ve have been raw and open, and as much as it terrifies me, he makes it seem OK.“
- · “The people I am most vulnerable with are my dad and my sister. It wasn’t until recently that I opened up to them, but a weight lifted off my shoulders when I did … They support me more than I ever believed someone could. They love me no matter what, even my dark parts.”
How many people seem to be honest and open with you? Do you think you express interest or encourage trust and vulnerability in your relationships?
- · “I think most people are honest and vulnerable with me, because I invite them to be. I always try and offer a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on, because I can think of numerous times when I wish someone had done the same for me.”
- · “I’ve never really felt like I had much to offer the world, but I can listen and I can offer help.”
- · “Sometimes, I believe people don’t really need opinions or advices from others. They just want someone who would listen to them.”
4. In the talk, Jamie discusses how we’re used to asking or being asked, “What’s your name?” “Where are you from?” “What do you do?” But we don’t often hear or ask, “What is your dream?” “What do you want?” “What makes you feel alive?”
Make a list of better “ice-breaker” questions to ask strangers or acquaintances, even if only in passing. Commit to incorporating at least one of these into your conversations this week.
- · “What ignites/fuels you/fills you up?”
- · “What is your favorite memory?”
- · “What do you like best about yourself?”
- · “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”
5. “What would it look like to have a few people, to have a support system, where you can talk about those kinds of things? You can say to your friend or they can ask you, ‘Hey, what is your dream, and how are you doing with that dream? What do you want? What makes you feel alive?'”
Do you know what your family members, friends, co-workers, neighbors, or roommates want most out of life? How often do you check in with them about significant things? How can you help them achieve their desires and dreams?
- · “We’d talk about life after college, being happy, and doing what we really want in life but mostly, we just talk about supporting each other and wanting each of us to be happy and successful in life.”
- · “I’m always very careful about nurturing those relationships by checking in with them and being an available presence in their lives whenever possible.”
6. “You deserve love when it’s tough, when it’s awkward. What does it look like to love someone who lives in a place we’ve never been?”
Spend some time thinking about this last question: “What does it look like to love someone who lives in a place we’ve never been?” Have you ever had to do this? Has someone done this for you? What do you think is most important about connecting with people who are struggling?
- · “The most important thing about connecting with those who struggle is giving them the sense that they are not alone. Everyone struggles with pain and loss. “
- · “I see myself doing this when it comes to my close LGBTQ friends—as a straight woman, I have never been in the place that they have been in terms of the oppression and struggle they face, but I love them so much and try to be the best ally I can be because their oppression is entwined in my own.”
- · “I think the most important thing is to be patient. We must understand that this person is fighting, that this person is willing to be strong. We must listen and try to find a way out, but we cannot forget that we don’t decide there. She/he is the one who needs to take the steps.”
- · “Love is universal; it extends past boundaries. Loving someone is going to go a lot further than relating to their struggles.”
Sammi
My two best friends in the world are both veterans. Coming from a home that was largely uninvolved in politics and current events this was new to me in a number of ways. The greatest challenge is helping them through bad days, weeks, sometimes even seasons ignited by PTSD. One thing that has helped immensely is accepting that I have never been in their boots. I have suffered my own depression and anxiety. I have lost friends. I have never experienced the atrocities of war. Saying that to myself and out loud has been the single greatest bolster in those relationships. We connect through our common experience of pain but we acknowledge that our struggles are also very different. Some days are hard but I take that understanding and I stand by them. It’s incredible how strong we are as a family because of that.
b.e. noll
I find it hard to answer this in a way that it doesn’t turn into several blog posts of it’s own. So much to say.
First, I don’t share of my own darkest pages with just anyone, just anywhere. It is difficult to see the anguish in their eyes. And know that I put it there just by speaking to them. I guess that’s an answer to question #1.
What makes me alive? [question #4c] Well my facebook will show you 1 way. I take long walks in the woods. I carry a camera. Sometimes I feel so alive I laugh… for no apparent reason. I’m just glad to be fully alive, in the moment. It doesn’t erase the struggles. It doesn’t erase what happened. It just talks LOUDER than all of that. Nature, for me, is an “organic temple”.
Now onto question 6 [a-e].
I don’t think it’s really love… until it’s tough, &/or awkward. I don’t know when I first said this: “love isn’t pretty, it’s pretty necessary.” You need it. I need it. Everyone needs it.
Have I ever done this for someone? Yes. I shouldn’t probably say this, I had a teacher who knew my friend was going to hook out [& take me with him] for the rest of the school day. My teacher encouraged me to go. My friend had “parent troubles”. My parents are amazing. He liked my parents better than his. [not the only friend like this] He didn’t know what I’ve lived through. He could just talk to me. Not long after, I became a “peer counselor” @ school. I was good at listening…the down side is it eventually opened up my old wounds that I had found a way to completely suppress. “Did anyone do this for you?” Kind of. She never knew what “it” was. Yet she was a ferocious friend. She became like a sister. [being an only child, this was pretty cool] I did tell a few people over the years. I’ve had a few people who just came along side. One friend said to me [after I told him] That he was “honored” to be given the “privileged” to know this. I was speechless. I didn’t understand. Until I read Purpose for the Pain [which makes me feel the same way]
The thing about pain is that… We’re all broken. Like shattered glass. Our cracks are the same depth, even though the pattern is different for each of us. None of us REALLY knows what another feels like. We only know if we tell each other. Some of the names are the same. I’ve struggled with PTSD. I’ve been shot. I’ve never been in a war zone. [well… one recognized by the government, anyway] I’ve never had multiple people, with guns, firing at me. So, like Sammi above, I don’t know “what that’s like”.
You & I don’t need someone to know the experience of the pain we are feeling. [now onto 6e]
“What do you think is most important about connecting with people who are struggling?”
I can’t just name one thing.
Respect their need to be private about it. Which may mean talking one on one, instead of in a place where others can hear. To deeply listen. When they are done talking, tell them that “this” doesn’t change how you feel about them. If you can, stay with them for a while. Stay till they come back to the present. This way you’ll know they are at least reasonably safe. [Some of us are re-living what we are telling you, as we tell it.] This way they know you aren’t running away as fast as possible. Talk to them the next day, somehow [in person, phone call, text, tweet, something] so they know you haven’t “thought it over & decided to ‘bail’ on them”. I’m so guilty of this. I share & then I wonder if they’ve thought it over & want to run away & never see, hear from or of me again.
Dan Allender once wrote: “I asked an audiologist [that is, a scientist who studies sound] if a tree falls in the forest, & no one hears it, does it make a sound?
‘No’ he replied. It only makes a sound if someone hears it.”
This has always struck me. That is what a broken heart, being shared with you is asking.
“my heart is broken… please don’t tell me… that it made a noise… please tell me…you heard it.” And…I guess that’s part of what I like about TWLOHA. You’re slogan could be: “we hear you” or “We are listening”. Thanks, by the way.
[and sorry this is so long]