I still remember the moment in my early childhood when I first experienced conflict. I watched my mother fight with my father over something meaningless. The loud voices and noise were more than I could handle at that age, and instinctively, I hugged both, which stopped the argument and made me feel better because the conflict was gone.
My mother was quick to anger, and she took it out on everyone around her, using it fiercely to get what she wanted, assured that she’d always win because my father always let her. I took on the peacemaker role by following in Dad’s footsteps and finding ways to oblige her and end the conflict.
I learned early that my only value depended on what I could offer others. Mom had established that Dad—and I—were most valued when meeting her demands, and this quickly became the blanket that sheltered, nurtured, and tortured me.
My codependency originated in that trauma, but it would be years before I fully understood it and could take action to change it so I could live an authentic life where I made decisions instead of reacting based on trauma instincts.
My Adult Codependency
I took on roles not meant for a child, like parenting my parents, calming everyone, and sacrificing myself on the altar of appeasement. Never realizing I had become part of the cycle of abuse, I only discovered later in life that I was codependent—a pattern I had inherited from my parents.
It wasn’t until my early twenties that I started questioning why I always needed to please others, yet I had no real friends. My dependency wasn’t drugs, it was people-pleasing. I noticed I always put others first, surviving on the scraps of my emotional reserves, which left me resentful and occasionally turned me into my mother with my own rage-filled outbursts.
One night, after another long day of being someone else’s sin-eater, I questioned why I always sacrificed my own life for someone else’s benefit. I began wondering if this pattern had been rooted in my childhood. So, I read up on codependency, and my world changed.
What Is the Root Cause of Codependency?
When analyzing what is the root cause of codependency, I discovered that it is a behavior that starts due to a dysfunctional family dynamic, usually in the parental home. My childhood needs for validation and safety weren’t met, and I turned into an adult with the needs of a child—hence, the rage I felt.
I had become codependent because I could not integrate the conflict I experienced into my young mind’s ability to cope, which triggered instinctual responses that were geared at preventing me from ever being in the same situation. I hated conflict, so I tried to fix it, and conflict resolution rewarded me by making me feel better.
My role as a peacemaker was more than I could handle, making me miserable, but I kept doing it because it made everyone around me happy, stopping my trauma response to conflict. I subconsciously thought that if everyone else was happy, I was good and should be happy, too.
As a young child, I could not process the reality of a home with conflict, and making others feel good became the crutch I used to support myself in life. While this made me a people pleaser, I falsely believed it gave me some control.
Ironically, I had no control over the actions of others, but this is where I became fixated, feeling unsafe and “always in trouble” as an adult.
Codependency Manifestations in Life
When people around me were happy, I became anxious. I was like a dog waiting for Pavlov’s whistle, telling me I could serve a purpose. After all, when they weren’t arguing or unhappy, what was my purpose? I realized a few things:
- I relied on others’ unhappiness to feel needed: I needed the stress of conflict to feel alive. Unlike the brave person running into a burning building to save others, I ran into conflict to save myself.
- My adult relationships were a disaster: I constantly looked for something I could fix in others. It also meant I was strongly attracted to people who were bad for my mental health.
- Everyone else’s opinions of me meant more than mine: I didn’t value myself if someone didn’t like me. While it doesn’t make sense, I felt responsible for what others thought of me, so I behaved how I thought they wanted. Believing this to be my “nature,” I didn’t realize back then that it was what I had been “nurtured” into being.
- My people-pleasing needs would never make me happy: I began to see that I only wanted to make others happy to feel better about myself. While I lived on their terms, I would never know peace or fulfillment. Their approval was my drug.
A Turning Point
I recall one vacation when my then-boyfriend and I visited my folks and noticed nothing had changed between them. Mom still snapped at Dad over trivial stuff, he sorrowfully backed down, covering for her.
Yet, as soon as he cheered her up, he beamed like the sun—it was a turning point for me. I identified so much with him, but at the same time, I badly wanted to be nothing like him.
Realizing I had a problem, I began looking for ways to solve it.
Uprooting My Codependency
After that long look in the proverbial mirror, I realized I had to admit I had become Dad. I had inherited his need to self-sacrifice and soothe and please others. While I wasn’t the one fighting, rage was something I had been raised on, like sour breastmilk and equally toxic. It was a painful truth I had to face. Here’s how I did it:
- Seeking help: At that time, nobody advertised that they healed shame and helped you reparent your adult-child-self at support groups. Counseling felt overwhelming—though I did eventually go—and it opened some doors into parts of me where I had avoided looking.
- Journaling: Realizing I had to face my childhood self, who had been forced into a peacemaker role and conditioned into thinking that she only mattered when she healed others, I began journaling and pursued mindfulness practices. One step at a time, I discovered and embraced who I was when I didn’t rely on feeling needed.
- Practicing mindfulness: With meditation and vagal stimulation, I began tuning into my sympathetic nervous system, which let me tone out of the fight, fix or please others mode I had been in. I realized I didn’t have to get involved in conflict to feel happy, and I didn’t have to fix others to get their approval.
- Slowing down: By pausing before acting, I could think instead of reacting on instinct.
- Setting boundaries: My next step was to create healthy boundaries that kept me safe from the unhealthy habits I had formed.
Meeting Milemarkers
My healing is an ongoing process and often feels like one step forward and two steps back, but as long as I keep stepping toward authenticity, I make progress.
I still make mistakes and get involved in drama for the wrong reasons. But I try to realize it quickly and have learned to get myself out of the rutted track that my childhood wore into my mind with the steps above:
- Meditating taught me to listen to my body and how I feel: When I sense the tingle of discomfort in a situation where people-pleasing and playing the fixer could threaten my peace, I take a deep breath and walk away.
- Letting go of codependency and embracing my authentic self: This means I’ve had to make some challenging decisions. I have fewer people in my life because I won’t let others use me, and I won’t use their drama to fuel my ego.
- Making time for me: I spend more time focused on my own healing now, and I’ve begun nurturing my inner child with compassion and forgiveness.
- Accepting that my self-opinion matters: Of all the people I tried to fix and whose opinions mattered so much to me—I needed fixing the most, and my own values meant more.
From Codependent to Self-Dependent
My journey is ongoing, and I often slide back into the muck of trying to be what everyone else wants. But I’ve realized I’m not chocolate and can’t please everyone. As long as I am the flavor I like, I’m good.
When I feel like the work of self-healing is selfish and too much, I remind myself that I want to be myself, not a reflection of the trauma I was raised in. I have a purpose now—pleasing myself—and it’s how I feel validated today.
I worked on my codependency using these resources and guidance toward therapy and healing, and you can, too. A few fantastically freeing suggestions include:
- A feelings list to help me reconnect to my emotions
- Learning to give myself the love I’ve shown others
- A deep dive into anxiety and how to reaffirm myself
- Being my own best friend and knowing what to say to myself on difficult days