The first time I thought of myself as unlovable, I was 13.
That’s pretty young, right? Way too young for someone to have their idea of who they are so skewed. But there I was, a newfound teenager, crying in my room because I was convinced that I was both too much and not enough.
When the people that I wanted to love me decided that I was too much for them, it made me believe that I was the problem. I was too intense, too competitive, too aggressive, too friendly, and overall I would always be a combination of being too much and never enough for those in my life. I was taught and told early on by my friends at the time that I was the one who took things too seriously, and the one who unintentionally burst everyone’s bubbles. I cried myself to sleep most nights because I couldn’t change who I was, but I knew I needed other people.
The idea that I was overtly intimidating stuck with me for years even after finding a group of friends who seemed to be a perfect match. I couldn’t shake the concept that I would eventually become too much for them as well. When jokes were made that I was intense, I took them to heart. But as time passed and as those who loved me spoke truth into me—it began to click.
I was never unlovable.
I’ve never been unlovable. I’ve never been unworthy of love. I have always been enough. I am irreplaceable. These are phrases that have been so easy for me to skim over but now I realize that they speak the truth. The truth that no matter what I have been told, or how I have been treated, that I am worthy of love and there is nothing that can take that away. Even on my worst day, I am still loved more than I could ever comprehend. I was never unlovable.
And you have never been unlovable either.
You are worthy of all the wonderful things you have tried to deny yourself because you didn’t think that you were enough. You are lovable in your darkest night, and in the moment when you don’t see how anyone could or should stay by your side. You are lovable even when the world seems to scream that you’re not. Your worth is not defined by those who haven’t taken the time to get to know you for all of the beautiful elements that make up who you are.
Through this lesson, I have learned to embrace some of the things I used to dislike about myself. I love that when I’m genuinely focused, I tend to get intense and really into it. I love that when I look at a certain situation, I picture all of the different outcomes, imagining the what-ifs. I love that I’m logical about the future and what may happen next. I know that what I thought deemed me as being too much or not enough are parts of the whole that allow me to make today better.
Whatever it is that you bring to the table that you have been made to feel is a weakness, I can guarantee you it’s a strength. You would not be you without all of your varying characteristics—none of which compromise your ability to love and be loved.
There are days when I struggle to remember this. There are days when I grow frustrated with my failures or shortcomings. But then I remember that even though I may not be perfect, my ability to be loved remains. And that is more than perfect for me.