There’s a point where I realize I’m getting bad again.
I have trouble getting out of my head. I start to feel very alone. I start to feel this deep sadness and heaviness that does not go away.
I lead students and smile, but when I leave my heart is heavy.
I spend time with my friends and smile, but when I leave my heart is heavy.
I go to work and smile, but when I leave my heart is heavy.
I sleep and in my dreams my heart is still heavy.
Often times I deny that I’m getting bad again. I shouldn’t be at this point anymore. It’s been three years. I should be past this. I should know the lies that my mind tells me. I shouldn’t believe them. I should be rainbows and butterflies all the days of my life. I should…I should…I should.
Then I find myself crying at my desk while working on Excel spreadsheets and email templates. I excuse myself to the restroom. Because nobody wants to see that, right? I’m an adult. I shouldn’t be crying for “no reason.”
As I cry and sniffle and sit alone in the bathroom, I reach out.
“I have been having bad days lately,” I text.
What led to that?
I don’t know. Just can’t get out of my head.
What might be helpful in getting out?
Sleeping and staying in bed forever. Kidding but also not really. I just feel very trapped in my head and alone and sad.
Thank you for texting me! I can’t say I understand but I can say I love you and am glad you let me in.
I love you too.
Wish I could squeeze you.
Wish you could too. Or just let me sit next to you and cry a lot.
And ice cream. Lots of ice cream.
Of course. And pajamas.
Yes. Vanilla scented.
That helped a bit. Thanks. So thankful for you.
Glad to be your friend!
I feel some of the heaviness leave my heart.
I read something recently that stated, “The more I talked about it, the more control I got back. It lost its power when it stopped being a secret.”
My depression tells me that nobody cares. It tells me that nobody understands my struggles. My depression tells me that it’s pointless to reach out. It tells me that I’m alone. My depression tells me that all my best friends have moved across the country and I’m in this city alone. It does not want me to remember that I have friends who’ve become family in this city. My depression does not want me to remember that I have people who deeply love me no matter where they are.
When I want to tell my friends, “You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to be friends with me. There is a difficulty in dealing with me. I’ll constantly question if I’m annoying you or not. I’ll question if you really care. I feel that it’ll exhaust you because it exhausts me. You don’t have to stay.”
Without missing a beat, they declare, “We love you. We’re here for you. We will stay.”
But love gets messy. Love is not easy.
Yet love sees me. Love sends texts messages. Love invites me for games when I say I’m going to spend the night alone. Love doesn’t let me isolate myself. Love reaches into the darkness and brings me into the light. Love stays even when it’s hard. Love cares. Love stays. Love. Stays.
On the days when I feel alone and wonder if anyone cares, I have people reaching into my life, into my darkness, declaring that they care. On my darkest days, I have a hope that cannot be taken away. A hope that one day this depression will leave forever.
Even in my weakness. Even in my darkness.
I’m so thankful for that.