Blog

Jul6
2018

I’m Getting Bad Again

By Sam Bedford

There’s a point where I realize I’m getting bad again.

I have trouble getting out of my head. I start to feel very alone. I start to feel this deep sadness and heaviness that does not go away.

I lead students and smile, but when I leave my heart is heavy.

I spend time with my friends and smile, but when I leave my heart is heavy.

I go to work and smile, but when I leave my heart is heavy.

I sleep and in my dreams my heart is still heavy.

Often times I deny that I’m getting bad again. I shouldn’t be at this point anymore. It’s been three years. I should be past this. I should know the lies that my mind tells me. I shouldn’t believe them. I should be rainbows and butterflies all the days of my life. I should…I should…I should.

Then I find myself crying at my desk while working on Excel spreadsheets and email templates. I excuse myself to the restroom. Because nobody wants to see that, right? I’m an adult. I shouldn’t be crying for “no reason.”

As I cry and sniffle and sit alone in the bathroom, I reach out.

I have been having bad days lately,” I text.

What led to that?

I don’t know. Just can’t get out of my head.

What might be helpful in getting out?

Sleeping and staying in bed forever. Kidding but also not really. I just feel very trapped in my head and alone and sad.

Thank you for texting me! I can’t say I understand but I can say I love you and am glad you let me in.

I love you too.

Wish I could squeeze you.

Wish you could too. Or just let me sit next to you and cry a lot.

Or both.

And ice cream. Lots of ice cream.

And chocolate?

Of course. And pajamas.

Mm yes.

Some candles.

Yes. Vanilla scented.

Mmmmm. Yes.

: )

That helped a bit. Thanks. So thankful for you.

Glad to be your friend!

I feel some of the heaviness leave my heart.

I read something recently that stated, “The more I talked about it, the more control I got back. It lost its power when it stopped being a secret.”

My depression tells me that nobody cares. It tells me that nobody understands my struggles. My depression tells me that it’s pointless to reach out. It tells me that I’m alone. My depression tells me that all my best friends have moved across the country and I’m in this city alone. It does not want me to remember that I have friends who’ve become family in this city. My depression does not want me to remember that I have people who deeply love me no matter where they are.

When I want to tell my friends, “You don’t have to do this. You don’t have to be friends with me. There is a difficulty in dealing with me. I’ll constantly question if I’m annoying you or not. I’ll question if you really care. I feel that it’ll exhaust you because it exhausts me. You don’t have to stay.”

Without missing a beat, they declare, “We love you. We’re here for you. We will stay.”

But love gets messy. Love is not easy.

Yet love sees me. Love sends texts messages. Love invites me for games when I say I’m going to spend the night alone. Love doesn’t let me isolate myself. Love reaches into the darkness and brings me into the light. Love stays even when it’s hard. Love cares. Love stays. Love. Stays.

On the days when I feel alone and wonder if anyone cares, I have people reaching into my life, into my darkness, declaring that they care. On my darkest days, I have a hope that cannot be taken away. A hope that one day this depression will leave forever.

Even in my weakness. Even in my darkness.

I’m so thankful for that.

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Comments (32)

  1. Crysta Culbertson

    I love these blogs so much and have found myself relating to several of them. Thank you TWLOHA for spreading real messages and real hope and for all the work you do. 🙂

    Reply  |  
  2. H

    Thanks for writing this. Really resonated. I feel myself getting bad again.

    Reply  |  
  3. Madison

    I felt like I was reading a story about myself! Thank you for sharing this.

    Reply  |  
  4. P

    Luck you.

    Reply  |  
  5. Bec

    So powerful. I too am getting bad again. I just want to sleep forever.
    I just wish I had people in my life to show me love too.

    Reply  |  
  6. Brandi

    I could not ask for a better family. I do not think that anyone could have a better support system.

    Reply  |  
  7. Chris

    I love you, you moved me with your words I was crying rivers as you told my story as well as yours. Keep reaching out you are not alone. Ever. Love you…
    Chris

    Reply  |  
  8. Molly

    This is so relatable to me. Thank you for sharing and letting me know I am not alone in my struggles. You are loved. You are not alone.

    Reply  |  
  9. Jimmy Lippitt

    My friend shared this on Twitter, so I read it. This is exactly what I hi through at times. I can get so stuck in my head sometimes, in a very short period of time, that I become incapable of seeing love all around me. So many people love me. I love so many people. But at times it’s just so hard to love myself and I wonder why others would want to love me. Those lies that my mind tell me, don’t they know how terrible of a person I am and know how undeserving of anyone’s love I am? Thank you for your writing. It really helped me today

    Reply  |  
  10. Tina

    The part, “it’s pointless to reach out.” Wow This post really struck home because this is how I feel, that no one understands.

    Reply  |  
  11. Yvonne

    OMG this is me this very moment. Some days it literally almost kills me.

    Reply  |  
  12. Joel Salazar

    This has been more helpful to me than you realize. Even as I make breakthroughs and continue to work through my depression and mental health struggles, I find myself still falling back to dark places from time to time thinking “I should be over this by now.” Theres something assuring and encouraging about knowing Im not the only one in the world who feels this way and struggles this way. Thank you so much for sharing.

    Reply  |  
  13. Jamie

    Thank you for putting words to exactly how I have been feeking lately… I am gettig bad again, and I have been trying to find somewhere to turn someone to talk to that “gets it” or at least doesn’t make me feel worse about it…. Thank you again, Love & Light to you and a big ol’ squeeeeeze 💛

    Reply  |  
  14. L

    Really needed this. I too am getting bad again and I needed some hope to get me through the day and I found it here with this post so thank you.

    Reply  |  
  15. Kiersten

    Beautifully written. Love does stay even when we can’t see it.

    Reply  |  
  16. Dad

    And you think I will ever forsake you?

    Reply  |  
  17. Janet

    You are so good at expressing yourself! You are healing yourself! Stay strong!!

    Reply  |  
  18. CJ

    I’ve felt this way forever it seems. The difference is that my friends didn’t stay. Not even one. I got into an Apt with my only friend, my mini golde- doodle, Fiona. I make her short promises to stay. But never forever promises. I don’t really recall being happy in the last 20 years or so.
    Itglad you have people that care for you, love you & stand with you. You are blessed in that respect.

    Reply  |  
    1. TWLOHA

      Hi Friend,

      We’re sorry that you are going through this. We know that it is not easy and we do not take your pain lightly. We hope you realize that you are important and your life has so much value. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live a life you love. If you would like to share your story or receive additional resources, feel free to email us at info@twloha.com.

      With Hope,
      TWLOHA

      Reply  |  
  19. Higgs

    I couldn’t have come across this blog post at a better time! This really resonates with what I have been going through down to the crying at Excel spreadsheets 🙂 It is nice to know I am not alone. Love you!

    Reply  |  
  20. Kat A.

    I can relate to this too. I smile and laugh quite a bit while at work. In fact, I’ve been hanging around the office much longer than necessary lately — just to avoid the heaviness and tears on the car ride home. But, it doesn’t matter when I finally leave the building, I find that the pain is still there. It’s waiting in the car for me. It follows me into my home. It weighs me down, and it exhausts me. As I read this blog and the many comments, I remember that I am not alone. I know that there is always hope. And yet, I still hurt.

    Reply  |  
    1. TWLOHA

      Hi Friend,

      We are sorry to hear about the pain you are experiencing. We are glad to see you here. We are glad that these words found you in a good time. We hope you know that if you ever need to sort out your thoughts and feelings or would like to receive additional resources, you are free to email us at info@twloha.com.

      With Hope,
      TWLOHA

      Reply  |  
  21. A

    Not all of us are lucky like you are. We don’t have friends we can count on. Personally, its hard to make friends. Then if someone does become my friend they usually don’t understand my depression and just think I’m needy.

    Reply  |  
    1. TWLOHA

      Hi Friend,

      We are sorry that you do not feel you have a supportive community around you. We know this can often times make our pain harder. We hope you know that even if it feels like you are alone, you absolutely are not. We believe in you and we are rooting for you. If you ever need to sort out your thoughts and feelings or would like to receive additional resources, feel free to email us at info@twloha.com.

      With Hope,
      TWLOHA

      Reply  |  
  22. Noelan

    Sam,
    my fellow brother, how much my heart moves for you. I know all to well the words of which you speak. From across the expanse, i send you my love and support.

    I am only just starting to come out of my many year long battle with depression and addiction,

    I share with you something that was shared with me to help me along this struggle. I hope it finds you well,
    https://goo.gl/MLBXdu

    There is love among this family of ours living on the planet still 🙂

    and you are not alone.

    Reply  |  
  23. Stacy

    Thank you for writing this. You really were saying everything that I am truly feeling. I have a hard time dealing with depression and opening to others. I feel my poor husband has been getting the brunt of it though. I try and talk to him about it sometimes but somehow I feel very defensive about it. I get all worked up and angry. I don’t mean to though. I believe I’ve had depression a long time. I’ve tried therapy and that didn’t work. I guess I really don’t feel as if anyone really thinks I am depressed because I put on a smile all the time, but what they don’t know is that when I go home and my husband is at work (firefighter), so he is gone 2 days at a time….I sit and cry in my room for no reason. Sometimes I have a reason, but mostly no reason at all. I love my husband and I love my life, but I feel empty. I feel I am not truly me, like there is something missing still. I really do try and just be happy, but there is always this voice in my head telling me that I am not worthy. I don’t feel I’m enough.

    Do you have any advice for what I might try to help me get out of my head? SJ

    Reply  |  
    1. TWLOHA

      Hi Stacy,

      Thank you so much for sharing your feelings with us. We believe that is a wonderful place to start. Talking about what we are feeling and experiencing can be a wonderful way to process it. We believe counseling provides a great space for that. Often times it takes more than one try to find a counselor that works for you. We hope you continue searching. We hope you know that this takes time but it is so worth it. If you’d like us to help you find some resources that may be better fit for you, feel free to email us at info@twloha.com. We are rooting for you, Stacy. We hope you keep fighting. You are so important.

      With Hope,
      TWLOHA

      Reply  |  
  24. Irene

    I feel this in my soul

    Reply  |  
  25. Sheli

    This really resonated with me too. Thanks for sharing and reminding me of all the love in my life.

    Reply  |  
  26. Ciara

    This came across my feed at the perfect time. I do not want to admit I’m getting bad again, but I know now its okay to get bad and ask for help. healing is not linear and is always constant. Thank you for your kind and humble words.

    Reply  |  
  27. Denise

    Gosh this sounds like me also……hugs it will pass quickly….I do feel for you.

    Reply  |  
  28. Bindu Mathew

    Thank you for this. I really needed something that would explain how I was feeling in my own head and this took the feelings and became visible.

    Reply  |  
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