It Begins With Self-Compassion

How do you navigate a world that you never got to know? The answer begins with self-compassion.

We all have different paths, perspectives, and problems. Ironically, sometimes it isn’t the hardest or darkest of times that bring the most confusion or resistance, but the ones displaying promise and progress. Whether the day is amazing, terrible, or in-between, life—like breathing—isn’t linear. I would argue that neither is prescriptively achieved. The uncertainty of not knowing whether the choice I make today is the “right” one or if I am able to handle the road ahead of me can be debilitating. If I lack self-compassion.

I have always been hard on myself, constantly looking for reasons I didn’t belong or why I had to try harder than everyone else. My voice was soft and timid. My eyes stared at the ground below me as if I might fall if I wasn’t focused on where my foot would land next. I didn’t trust the ground below me let alone my voice, thoughts, and intentions.

As a child who went to nine different schools from 2nd to 6th grade, growing up with this mindset further isolated me from the world. I was drifting through life, just my imagination and me. Through the decades, this inner solitude turned to chaos and sadness.

As my peers were applying to and touring universities, I was burying my mother. Her death was sudden, no direct or plausible reason found. We never learned its cause. While my classmates went to college, I married at eighteen and soon after started a family.

Here is what I’ve learned: 

I won’t ever have all the answers.
I don’t have to solve every world problem.
I don’t have to let events or experiences dissipate my life force.

I wish someone had told me sooner that I would not have all of the answers in life and I shouldn’t feel expected or pressured to solve and save the world. I wish someone had given me permission and support for things to not be okay or just admitted that they didn’t have all of the answers either. I wish someone told me that some problems take more time, people, money, knowledge, and resources to even make steps in the direction of progress.

What if someone cried with me and said they didn’t know either, that it wasn’t my fault and not my problem to solve alone? What if someone had told me it was part of the gift of life—in all its mess and beauty that mimics childbirth on repeat? That it’s worth the energy, fight, and investment, and that I am, and was, worth it, too. What if someone had told me sooner? And, what if I had believed it—believed that my life had value, that I do? 

We need to see the stories of growth and loss. We need to hear that the impossible has already happened. Climbing a mountain is easier with company as we pick each other up when we stumble and celebrate our hard-fought ascent at the summit.

Every day is another chance to live and experience. Every moment is a new opportunity to feel the breath circulating through your body and be grateful for the now. I recognize that this is much harder than it sounds, which is why we need people.

Whether an ember or a wildfire, believing that I was strong enough to keep trying and keep loving myself and others is where my journey’s turning point occurred. And it still occurs. It doesn’t mean that I’m stuck, broken, or incapable—I am living. The difference between now and my childhood is that I have the capacity to feel empathy and love for the hurt child within me and to encourage and offer hope to children and other hurting inner children.  

Confidence, esteem, love, and the other aspects of self-becoming begin and end with our choices. Choices to be vulnerable, to find and join community, to accept the imperfection of humanity and ourselves, and to discover the worthiness inside every heart.

You can do this, too. Be it a ripple or a tsunami, let it flow.

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People need other people. You are not weak for wanting or needing support. If you’re seeking professional help, we encourage you to use TWLOHA’s FIND HELP Tool. If you reside outside of the US, please browse our growing International Resources database. You can also text TWLOHA to 741741 to be connected for free, 24/7 to a trained Crisis Text Line counselor. If it’s encouragement or a listening ear that you need, email our team at [email protected].