Living with bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder often feels like a constant fight—a fight to fit in, to tread water, sometimes just to stay alive. Most days are a battle; sometimes a new one, and sometimes one I’ve fought again and again. I know that I can do hard things, and I know that I will make it until tomorrow. I know how to manage a bad day.
But good days are weird for me. That’s odd, isn’t it? But it’s true.
On days when I’m not in survival mode, I don’t always know how to function. My mind is clearer, and I have more room for thoughts that aren’t negative. It’s a strange place to be in; living in the calm, wanting desperately to enjoy it, but being fearful that another storm could roll in at any second. It should be a relief. And it is. But it is also disorienting.
So I’ve been trying to figure out how to live life in the in-between. Here’s what I’m learning about “managing” the good days.
There is no reason to feel guilty.
Whew, that’s a heavy start, isn’t it? But I feel that it needs to be said. Because, really, there are times when I feel guilty for feeling positive, optimistic, and future-focused. I spend so much time living in the darkness that, to be honest, sometimes the light hurts my eyes. But that’s okay. Just because something isn’t comfortable doesn’t mean it is wrong. It’s not a betrayal of your struggles to enjoy the calm. I’m learning to let myself feel good without bracing for impact.
Good days are a chance to reconnect.
It may seem obvious, but I think it’s important to use this time wisely. Have you fallen behind on housework? Have you ghosted someone you care about? Is your refrigerator nothing but old milk and a mostly empty bottle of ketchup? Use the clarity to gently catch up. When it feels like a lot, take a break. Don’t overdo it. But don’t let this opportunity pass you by, either. These small, useful acts help anchor me in the present.
Finally, remember the things you love.
When you’re in a cycle of depression, it is so hard to do the things you love because, at the moment, they aren’t of any interest to you. Use the good days to seize the moment and fall in love with life again. Write your bad poetry. Go for a hike. Play bar trivia with your friends. Whatever it is you love to do, make sure you use this time to do it.
This isn’t a cure, or even a checklist. But it’s a start. I don’t always know how long the good days will last, but I’m learning to greet them with curiosity instead of fear. To let the light in, even if I’m still getting used to it.
Your diagnosis is not the end of your story. You are capable of living with bipolar disorder. Healing is still possible. We encourage you to use TWLOHA’s FIND HELP Tool to locate professional help and to read more stories like this one here. If you reside outside of the US, please browse our growing International Resources database. You can also text TWLOHA to 741741 to be connected for free, 24/7 to a trained Crisis Text Line counselor. If it’s encouragement or a listening ear that you need, email our team at [email protected].
Rick
Beautifully said.
Nan
I love this because i find it really really useful!
Thank you,
Nan
JRS
This is a nice write up. Thank you. I fight the darkness. As does my 20 year young son. I believe from seeing me fight, and burying his father after a 3 year illness, right before his 8th birthday, he carries a burden no child should carry. I felt I failed him because of being a mess when and after his dad died. I held.us all together during the illness. But when he passed on, all I wanted t to do was go be with him. Btt I knew had to take care of our son. I was in a bad wreck 6 weeks later. Lost both of my jobs. My house. Use of my right side (temporarily. I rehabbed myself. As I worked in rehab as an LMT with PT, OT, and ST. I did more than massage but those were the credentials I had at that time. I worked hand in hand with them. I ended upnwith a TBI fromthe accident and a seizure disorder. This took 1 yearsbof my life while they tried to get the meds right to stop the grand mal (tonic clonic) seizures. I was in bed, and had to stay with my parents for help with my 3 children. I had my 3rd child 1.5 months before the 1st seizure, which was 9 months after the accident. After all this loss, I was a mess. But I asked Great Spirit for ONE thing before my car smashed into the one that blew through the stop sign “Great Spirit, please let me live to care for my boys. There’s nobody else.” Then I smashed (t-boned) the passenger side, with 2 women, then went over an embankment for a 2nd impact. My car was so smashed, the bumper was on my windshield area. BUT… I didn’t have a single mark on me. I went through the broken window and ran up the hill as my car was smoking and the 3 women in the car I had no choice but to hit, screamed through the blood covered windows for help. I have cared for people my entire life. I wanted to so much, but I knew I couldn’t help them. They had to be cut out of the car. The EMTs said “you must have had every angel there is watching over you. We have saw accidents not even half this bad… and the people…”
They didn’t finish the sentence and looked at each other with a look … I knew what they were saying without words. I am grateful beyond words. Anxiety took over my life, wonderingnwhen the next seizure would happen. I had one in the bathtub. I can’t even bathe! I have to have a sitter. And to shower is almkst the same, as I could hit my head when falling from seizing or who knows. I don’t want to know! Pain is chronic, as stage 4 whiplash set in. I won’t go on with the injuries. But I have been able to raise my children. The losses we experienced do not compare to the joy we have experienced in life on this rock called Earth. Thank you for pointing out it’s ok to get behind on what I (don’t get done). I often feel guilty because I fall behind. I often donas much as possiblenon the feel good days then i feel exhausted for days after. Due to my health. My injuries slow me down. There’s good days and not good days. I don’t like to say bad days, bad times, though some are very hard to get through. But I KNOW: everyday I wake, is a GOOD
DAY!!! 🙏🤱🤱🤱🙌❤️🩹💖✨️
I couldn’t go back to edit any of this for some reason. Thank you for all the insight with all you wrote. It helped. I will try to get my son on here as well.
Thank you.
❤️🩹🙏🙏🙏❤️🩹❤️🩹