As Valentine’s Day rolls around, we are inundated with advertisements and status updates that push us into the belief that our worth is tied to our romantic relationships. If we’re single, we should be looking. If we’re not drawn to romantic love, there must be something wrong with us. If we’re not actively in a relationship, there must also be something wrong with us. People might feel sorry for us, they might see our existence as missing something, or they might draw unnecessary conclusions about why we haven’t partnered up.
Love and connection through a romantic relationship can be a beautiful experience. We can find and give support. We can be vulnerable in the safe presence of another and also be that safe presence for them. We can lean into their steady energy when our own is waning or we can be the shoulder to cry on. A healthy dynamic offers us an ebb and flow, a balance of seeing and being seen.
But what about one of the most important relationships we’ll ever engage in? Our relationship with ourselves. The person we spend the most time with, the person we have the responsibility and honor of caring and advocating for every second of every day.
Over the years, self-love has been a common topic, but for whatever reason, it has become one that is devoid of nuance and layers. We’re not saying that self-love has to be complex, but it surely isn’t as whimsical and enjoyable as the wellness or self-care industry would like us to believe.
“Tough” Love
When we think of love, we are drawn to acceptance and softness. Two qualities that are such beautiful elements of love. But what about the energy of love that comes from guardians and caretakers? A love that stems from efforts to encourage safety, growth, and health. And as we move into adulthood, is there a form of self-love that needs to harness the power of accountable action?
Maybe it’s ensuring we refill and pick up our medicine on time versus allowing a lapse to transpire. Maybe it’s going grocery shopping instead of ordering takeout for the sake of your body and wallet. Maybe it’s saying yes to a social engagement or no to another drink.
In an age of convenience and doomscrolling, we are given the tough job of parenting ourselves. Instead of doing hard or scary things, we might go the route of less resistance and call it “self-care.” We might be tempted to stop challenging ourselves to grow in terms of confidence and capability because the alternative feels (and is) easier. But healing isn’t the path most traveled. It requires bravery. It asks us to question and dismantle habits. It only happens when we’re willing to change and hold ourselves accountable with the mindset of a loving parent, teacher, or guide.
Curious and Compassionate Love
It can be tempting to jump to conclusions, to deem our actions or thoughts as good or bad, wrong or right, moral or immoral. But with respect to those mostly valuable guideposts, what if we became investigators of our own minds and did so with curiosity and compassion at the forefront?
Instead of deeming your desire to tap into maladaptive coping mechanisms as wholly bad or your “lack of willpower” as “weak,” what if we reframed it? What if we got curious? Because while the hope is for you to seek comfort and regulation through kind and gentle coping strategies, maybe you’re simply trying to manage and survive. Maybe this season or chapter is particularly trying and while you know which option is ideal, your body is seeking familiarity and relief that has been guaranteed in the past.
We can be our harshest critics. We tend to pick apart our choices and tear down our actions or lack thereof. While we extend grace and understanding to those we love and adore, we highlight and underline our own mistakes or missteps. Self-awareness is a brilliant tool, it’s something that allows us to evolve and expand. To truly help us, though, it needs to be rooted in compassion.
Unconditional Love
This might be the hardest task of all. Giving ourselves the love we seek from others. The love that is steady and reassuring. The love that exists throughout the messy, confusing, troublesome, and dark experiences. The love where we can be imperfect and still be met with its grace. That’s not to say unconditional love is a free pass for poor behavior. It holds space for boundaries and mutual respect, but it doesn’t hold space for terms and conditions. With conditional love, acceptance only persists if we meet certain expectations or uphold whatever the image of perfection might be.
As humans, we will make mistakes. We try to learn from those mistakes. We apologize and adjust the course as needed. With those peaks and valleys, the path shifts and changes. There are roots and rocks we stumble over. There are trees that bring shade. There are clearings that welcome the sun. As we walk the trail, perhaps speeding up or slowing down, we give love to every version of ourselves. For we are doing the best with what we know and what we have.
So this week, as you’re dodging oversized balloons and chocolate displays, don’t forget that nurturing your relationship with yourself has benefits that are just as important as those you get from nurturing relationships with others. And don’t get too caught up in “romantic love.” Don’t forget about your family, your friends, your pets, your hobbies—all the things you love that fill your life. Pour into yourself and your community in hard and necessary ways. Love is what you make it, it’s what you bring to it. Self-love isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it.
Pausing your day to tend to yourself is never a waste of time and energy. Through our Mental Health Toolkit, you can choose what aligns most with your needs today. You might want to identify ways to show yourself love. You might want to connect with your body through a somatic exercise. You might want to shift your focus and write down the things you are grateful for. It’s all here and it’s all free.