Some Thoughts on Boycotting Formspring in Response to the Suicide of Alexis Pilkington.

Alexis Pilkington, a West Islip High School senior and star soccer player died by suicide last weekend. There is speculation that cyberbullying on Lexi’s Formspring.me account might have led to her decision. There has been a lot of talk in the media and online about people boycotting Formspring in response to Lexi’s death. Yesterday afternoon, i was invited to write an opinion-based article for Newsday, the newspaper of Long Island, NY. i was given a little over an hour to write the piece and a shorter, heavily-edited version of it appears in this morning’s paper. 

The original version is below:

On behalf of the community of people that I represent, I want to start by saying that our hearts are heavy for the friends and family of Alexis Pilkington. Though we did not know her, we are sorry beyond words. You are not alone in this moment. You are not alone in the questions that have no answers. To only offer only words feels small, but we believe those things and also these: We didn’t know Alexis but we know that she mattered, that her story was important. And we believe those things of you as well.

What I’m writing now is not an article about Alexis. I didn’t know the miracle of her life and it’s not my place to speculate on the details of her death. I am not a journalist and this writing is not based on research.

In the articles I’ve been reading about Alexis, the word “Formspring” keeps showing up. It’s a website that I’m familiar with. Formspring is a social networking site – essentially it’s a site where people can ask and answer questions of other Formspring users, sort of like an ongoing interview. The site is growing in popularity right now, especially among young people. What I’ve read suggests that Lexi received hurtful words via her Formspring account. I don’t know who wrote the hurtful words or if she knew them, and I don’t know if or how she responded.

There is speculation that these words led to her suicide. I’ve read a quote from her father that suggests he doesn’t believe it to be that simple, that there is more to the story, that Lexi struggled with depression and also that she was getting professional help for it.

In response to Lexi’s death, people are boycotting Formspring and that is what I want to address here.

First, I want to say that I completely understand this response. We live in a world where people say terrible things, where people forget the weight of their words and the consequences of their actions. You are right to hate an action that is awful, to despise something rooted in hate. I understand wanting to place blame and the desire for justice. I am 100% for the idea of laws that treat cyberbullying as a crime.

All of that said, I don’t believe that boycotting Formspring is any sort of solution. I don’t believe it will prevent suicide. The same problems exist on Facebook and MySpace and Twitter and countless other websites. And with that, it’s worth considering that hate, as well as pain, have been around much longer than the internet. If that’s true, then perhaps the problem is not the internet at all – perhaps the problem is people.

I believe there’s a bigger picture and better solutions to consider.  If you were close to Lexi and you want to do something that brings honor to her life – if you want to learn to fight for the lives and health of the people around you – my guess is that it won’t have much to do with the strangers on the internet. My guess is that it will happen in the context of real relationships and honest conversations.

It will happen at lunch and over coffee, in conversations long-overdue that begin with “How are you?”  It will happen as we allow ourselves to be truly known and truly loved and as we pursue the kinds of friendships where those things can be reciprocated. It will happen when we’re real with the people around us, when we invite people into our questions, our struggles, our fears, our dreams. It will happen when we get the help we need and invite others to do the same.

When it comes to depression and suicide and problems of pain, the people who struggle feel alone.  I struggle with depression and I know this feeling. And yet, better ideas exist: Perhaps we were not meant to live life alone.  Perhaps we were meant to live life with other people. Beyond relationships and community, the good news is that depression is treatable and that professional help exists. The hardest step to take is the first one. We know it’s not easy but we believe that it’s worth it.

The thing I like about Formspring is that, when used as it was intended, it suggests that someone’s story matters, that there is value in their answers and ideas. And we’re invited to ask questions as well. Now, what if we turned off our computers and lived that way? What if we fought to place value on the lives of the people we love, to truly meet them in their questions and their answers, and to confess to them our own. I believe we would see something stronger and brighter than any boycott. I believe we would be reminded that love is stronger than hate and that friendship might be the greatest miracle that happens on this planet.