I’ve spent most of my life relating to fictional characters, and I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember. It happens with everything from books to TV shows, from movies to musicals. My fangirling knows no bounds, and I find myself going through the emotional spectrum with the characters I grow to love. When they’re hurting, I hurt. When they’re happy, I’m happy for them. I get so involved that I’m usually not even aware I’m doing it until I’m curled up in giddiness or distress and hear my boyfriend say, “I can feel you all the way over here.” I could write an essay on how many characters I’ve related to over the years, but today I’m going to focus on just two of them: Sam and Dean Winchester from the TV show “Supernatural.”
For the uninitiated, “Supernatural” is a show about Sam and Dean Winchester, brothers who travel across the country and hunt monsters. At the end of season three, Dean is literally being dragged to Hell. In the very first episode of season four, I was faced with the slightly alarming realization that I actually understood how Dean Winchester felt. Dean is a selfless older brother who has spent his whole life taking care of Sam. So when Sam dies at the end of season two (there’s really a lot of dying in this show), Dean would do anything to save his brother. “Anything” includes selling his soul to a demon in exchange for Sammy’s life, giving Dean one year left to live. This brings us back to the first episode in season four. He has no idea how he’s alive and spends most of the episode trying to figure out what yanked him out of Hell. Enter Castiel, an angel. When Cas tells Dean that he’s the one who pulled him out of Hell, Dean is understandably disbelieving. He eventually gives in, and all he wants to know is why. Why him? What makes him so special? Castiel looks at Dean, this man he rescued from Hell and put back together again, and says, “You don’t think you deserve to be saved.”
The way Cas looks at him when he realizes that’s exactly what Dean thinks and how Dean’s expression shifts to reflect that truth – that’s what broke me. This scene struck me so hard at the time that it took my breath away. I have been Dean Winchester. Sometimes I still am Dean Winchester. I’ve never had high self-esteem. Dean doesn’t see himself the way Sam or Cas or even I see him, and that’s the kicker: I don’t see myself how anyone else sees me either. But, like Dean, I don’t allow myself to see myself the way they see me. In this moment, I understood exactly why my friends got so upset when I talked down on myself. Because while I was talking to my television, telling Dean that of course he deserved to be saved, I realized people were telling me the same thing.
While I always found myself relating more to Dean rather than Sam, there was a moment at the end of season eight where I really felt as connected to him as I did to his brother. There’s a lot leading up to this moment, but in short—Sam is trying to complete these trials that will effectively close the gates of Hell and prevent demons from getting on earth anymore. He’s at the very last one, but Dean finds out if Sam completes the trials, Sam will die. He relays this information to Sam, who replies with—and it still pains me to think about this as I type it—“So?” Like Dean, Sam can only see all the bad he’s done. He sees sacrificing himself for the good of the world as a way to atone for all his sins. He does not see in himself what his brother sees in him. He feels he’s let him down too many times and in too many ways to ever come back from it.
Now, there was a time when I legitimately wanted to die. I wanted to die so much so that I planned it out, divvied up my belongings, and composed a list of people who deserved to get a note when I went. But, like Sam, I didn’t think my death would matter. I focused on all my failures, all the pain I’d caused my family when they found out I was self-harming in high school, and all the ways I wasn’t living up to my own expectations. I didn’t see any reason why it would matter if I died. I was Sam Winchester. I was Sam, and it hurt so much to see a character I loved feel the way I was feeling. Luckily for me, I had more than one “Dean” around to help me see what I could not see myself. Despite all Sam’s mistakes, and despite all my own, we both were still loved and valued. People wanted to keep us around for a reason.
I cried so hard during that scene because all I wanted to do was hug Sam and tell him he was not defined by his mistakes. I wanted that for him because it had been given to me when I needed it most, even if my friends didn’t know I was feeling that way at the time. I realized that if I didn’t want this outcome for Sam, I shouldn’t want it for myself either.
I’ve often wondered why I let myself get so attached to these characters – and then I think of Sam and Dean. I think of them along with the many other characters I’ve found myself relating to over the years, and it all makes sense to me. Ultimately, it’s because they give me hope. And who couldn’t use a little more hope in their lives? I can see a piece of me in their darkness, but I can also see a piece of me in their light. They make me believe in good in the face of evil, even if the “evil” is within myself. They become real to me because I allow myself to see them as real people and to see myself reflected within them. They help me realize I’m worth so much more than I think, and if I didn’t care about them so much, I might not make that connection. And if that’s not the most beautiful thing about fiction, I don’t know what is.
David Wise
Thanks for this blog post. We are all in need of saving, and we all deserve to be saved and helped along the way when we lose our way whether it be from our own mistakes, sins, or something outside of our control. I have never watched this tv show. I don’t really watch tv, and rarely even movies, but I understand the power of story, the relatability of characters, and how they can help us see ourselves better in new ways that allow for rebirth or resurrection. This post allowed me today, to remember, and hopefully believe, that I too am worth saving.
Courtney Pagleno
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment. I lose myself in characters and fictional universes but I find myself there too. And me, you, we all are worth saving. I am so glad that you feel it too even if it’s not exactly the same way. I’m so glad this helped. Take care.
Catherine
I love this blog. It gives me so much hope. I struggle with depression and this blog has lifted me many times. Thank you TWLOHA for your continued advocacy for those struggling. I hope to one day be able to help others as your organization and blog has helped me.
Catherine
This gives me so much hope. I struggle with depression and this blog has lifted me many times. Thank you TWLOHA for your continued advocacy for those struggling. I hope to one day be able to help others as your organization and blog has helped me.
Catherine
Thank you TWLOHA
Sheryl R.
So beautifully, perfectly said and I understand so deeply that it makes me teary-eyed.
Courtney Pagleno
Thank you so much for your kind words and for reading and commenting. I offer you an internet hug to make up for the teary eyes. 🙂
Erika
Just you telling only a tiny-micro sized of you story, inspires me. This is why I love this fandom, as cliché as it sounds, I truly think that. Both Sam and Dean are cut-outs and distorts of people’s lives; in excelled situations of course. But when you said you were Sam and Dean Winchester, I truly believed it. Just like the duo, we are all broken somehow, and that’s okay because just as they have one another, I and the whole fandom have each other. Without this show and these people who have became a second family to me, I think we would feel a lot more broken. My mum once told me, the wayward and broken folk to others who are like a safe haven, and in thinking this, I believe that Supernatural is our safe-haven. So thank you, thank you for your thoughts and story, it has allowed me to think and understand more. You’re story is amazing, your thoughts are art. They are perfect, and I would love to read more. 🙂
Courtney Pagleno
Thank you so so much for reading and commenting! And I am overjoyed that another member of the fandom gets to see this and feels the way I feel. It warms my heart down to my soul. These characters are so important and I only hope the fact that I love them so much on the way to loving myself reflects on someone else feeling the same way.
I also had an original version of this, super long, that also included Castiel. It’s here, since you said you wanted to read more: https://savingmyselfhelpingothers.wordpress.com/2015/03/19/in-which-i-find-myself-relating-to-two-hunter-brothers-and-an-angel/
I haven’t posted much since that post but I’m trying to pick back up on it, I have older posts on that same blog, a few also relating to SPN.
Again, thank you so much for helping me to feel like I’m helping even just one person. <3
April Strong
Thank you for sharing! I am also a fan of Supernatural and totally agree with you about relating to both Sam and Dean in different parts of the series. That is why I so love the show, because of the hope and family bonds.
Courtney Pagleno
Thank you so much! I’m glad there are people out there who feel the same way I do about those Winchester boys. 🙂
renee
I feel the same way about them. And its gonna hurt watching the end of season 10, that is if you haven’t seen it yet. SSPOILER ALERT .,………………………….,……………………………..
Dean at the end of season 10, goes into a mode that I have wholeheartedly felt. Because of the relation between what was going on in my life and what was going on in SN, I was arguing with sam for dean’s side. While I don’t agree with what dean did at the end of the episode, I can understand why he did it. Sam sort of manipulated him and it was wrong. But being the little brother who wanted to be the one to save his big brother, his ethics were a little skewed as well.
P.s. I would avoid the divergent series because it made me cry more than marley and me, my sisters keeper, bridge to terabithia, lovely bones and titanic combined. Like I was sent into a week long deep depression it left that much of a gaping hole.
Kathy
This comment could not be shared due to the nature of the message.
Claire Biggs
Thank you so much for sharing part of your story with us.
TWLOHA is not a 24-hour helpline, nor are we trained mental health professionals. TWLOHA hopes to serve as a bridge to help.
If this is an emergency or if you need immediate help, please call and talk to someone at 1-800-273-TALK or reach out to the LifeLine Crisis Chat at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx“. We also have a list of local resources and support groups on our FIND HELP page. Please know that we also respond to every email we receive at [email protected].
Bryana
Oh my land. I just got into Supernatural, and I agree with you about fiction. I think a big part of what To Write Love On Her Arms is stories. Sharing stories. That’s what changed everything for me when it came to my anxiety and depression. But those stories don’t necessarily have to be non-fictional. Even if it’s a show about to monster-hunters, if it touches you and makes you feel something, that is no small thing. That is part of the reason I am perusing my dreams of acting. I love telling stories. Stories move people. Stories are how we connect. Thank you for this article!
Courtney Pagleno
Thank YOU for your words! The original TWLOHA story, the story of Renee, is what made me start seeing that I could get through this… And so I believe you’re definitely correct in that we’re all here to share our stories. And that is my biggest thing… I’ve shared my own story before and without even trying, I helped people. Just as your dream with acting, everything happening now keeps inspiring me to be the writer I want to become. Stories are important. 🙂
Liz
Thank you so much for sharing this story. I understand a lot about what you’re writing here because I’ve experienced it myself. I still use fictional characters as a kind of tent post for what I’m going through in my life. Thanks for being venerable and helping others realize that fangirling is not only okay, it can be a way to cope.
Courtney Pagleno
Thank YOU for getting that and putting it into such a beautiful sentence… People are so quick to make fun of someone for excessive fangirling… But there was a time when the Winchesters were what helped me get out of bed in the morning. And I can never fault someone for sinking into what makes them happy with every fiber of their being. It may be the thing that saves them, and I find that beautiful.
Marie OT
Thank you for sharing and writing this. I’ve been in a really dark place recently and for some reason have also started re-watching Supernatural. I feel silly saying it and I know it’s a fictional and unreal world; but ultimately it’s a story about family, hope, love, never giving up, realising that those dark thoughts in your head are not who you are or how the world sees you, being there for each other, and against what may seem insurmountable odds just keep fighting and putting one foot in front of the other. I think that’s why this show may be special to me and many others.
Courtney Pagleno
You’re not alone, I started rewatching too. 😉 And you nailed everything I was trying to say. It is a huge reason I’m so in love with not on the show, but the fandom itself as well. So many beautiful people all feeling that same connection to characters. This post was originally a very long one that I wrote a few months ago. It had to be condensed for here but I wanted to do it because I knew I could affect more people from here than my own little blog. But if you’re interested, here’s the full version that includes me relating to Castiel as well: https://savingmyselfhelpingothers.wordpress.com/2015/03/19/in-which-i-find-myself-relating-to-two-hunter-brothers-and-an-angel/
Jessica
WOW! Just WOW! This is so amazing and so true and might I add.. GET OUTTA MY HEAD! Lol
Courtney Pagleno
Hahaha it just means we think alike! Thank you so much for reading it and taking the time to comment. I’m so happy you liked it so much!
Simone
I wish ((Hugs)) were able to felt through the Internet. Very powerful. Very well said. I think you nailed it for a lot of people. It was an insight into what my daughter maybe feeling and her connection to Sam. May you be blessed.
Courtney Pagleno
Hugs can most definitely be felt through the internet!!! Thank you so much for your kind words. And I am so glad I could provide insight into feelings and connections some might not be able to understand or identify with otherwise. It makes me feel like I can make a difference. I hope you are very blessed as well. 🙂
Raquel
I loved the text and identify myself to him. I think the fictional characters that we relate are the ones that represent us or what we think of us.
Courtney Pagleno
I think that too… I think deep down we want to love ourselves so if we see someone who represents us on tv or in a book, we love them harder because maybe someday it can translate into loving ourselves as much. Thank you for your comment. <3
Jack
I feel the same way. I feel that I don’t deserve to be saved and I’m better off dead. There was a time when I was waiting and hoping for my dying day and every successful living day that passes, I feel disappointed.I feel you. And I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone.
Claire Biggs
Thank you so much for sharing part of your story with us.
TWLOHA is not a 24-hour helpline, nor are we trained mental health professionals. TWLOHA hopes to serve as a bridge to help.
If this is an emergency or if you need immediate help, please call and talk to someone at 1-800-273-TALK or reach out to the LifeLine Crisis Chat at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx“. We also have a list of local resources and support groups on our FIND HELP page. Please know that we also respond to every email we receive at [email protected].
redbird
So beautifully written.
Courtney Pagleno
Thank you so much. <3
Jenny
Wow….just wow! What an incredibly moving article. Thank you for posting such an honest & raw account of your struggles Courtney. So good to see you are conquering your demons! Very impressive. ? #AlwaysKeepFighting
Courtney Pagleno
Thank you so much, Jenny! #AlwaysKeepFighting
Mei
Thank you for writing this post and sharing your experiences. I’ve also related to Sam and Dean at different points in time, and that makes the story being portrayed all the more powerful. This is why I love fiction so much, and it’s a shame to see that a lot of people don’t understand the connection we have with characters and their stories.
Courtney Pagleno
It is really sad when people don’t understand the things that make us happy or help us cope. But know there are people who DO get it. And those people are the ones who are more likely to understand YOU in general because they understand what helps you stay afloat. Thank you so much for your comment.
JC Garner
Thank you so much for writing this…days like today I really needed to read this. To know I’m not alone and to know that I too have some good in me somewhere. Even if I can’t see it in my darkness that I have a “Dean” who wants me around and would be willing to risk it all for me. That I have an “Cas” who knows I’m worth saving.. Who loves me enough to tell me that my past mistakes aren’t all that I am. For me it’s so hard to see the greatness that I see in others in myself but You reminded me of that today. You reminded me that I’m worth saving and most of all you gave me hope the way characters do for you..and for a lot of us out here… Thank you for allowing me to see a light on my tunnel today. xoxo
Courtney Pagleno
My friend showed me this comment before I saw it. And it has to be the most beautiful one I’ve seen on here. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it and share it with me. I am so very very awed and humbled that for today I was able to be the light, the hope, that you needed. I am so grateful that my words have such a positive impact. Your own words have given me strength today, to know that I am helping someone out there is the greatest thing I could ever receive. I hope you continue to see that light and stay as absolutely wonderful as you are. <3
jacy
wow… i definetly do and have done the same thing… I’m a huge fan of supernatural.. and i identify with the brothers on a constant basis… i loved the fact that jared and jensen started the “always keep fighting” campaign… cuz of the fact that the show itself is about them always fighting to survive no matter what the situation..the fact that they both might fall.. but they help one another to get back up again…i have a pain disorder and was diagnosed in 99′ ..its been a long hard road for me.. and in 05′ a doctor told me id have to remain on pain meds the rest of my life.. everything went down hill from there…depression, suicidal thoughts…all of it.. but i got into the show a when sam and dean were fighting fighting to keep lucifer in the cage and sam was addicted to demon blood.. i realized i gotta get back up and not let this bring me down.. its been an up and down battle.. but I’m still here.. and I’m off the pain meds 6 months now. more problems have come into the mix.. i have a tumor on my liver now and my family and i are dealing with that.. but i keep fighting and will always keep fighting..
i do always relate to dean…most of the time…but i got a bit of sam there to..
Courtney Pagleno
Thank you for sharing with me. I wish nothing but the best for you… Always keep fighting. <3
Hailey Lynn
So I can relate to this to the point of literally being in tears. I also use my fictional worlds and characters to escape everyday issues and my depression that I struggle with. But even when I escape I can relate with the characters and their struggles. I’ve been inspired by Jared Padalecki’s “Always Keep Fighting” fundraiser. I appreciate his legitimacy and the fact that he’s so open with everyone. I want to thank you, Jared, and all of TWLOHA for inspiration. <3
Courtney Pagleno
Jared’s openness and his campaign were the reasons I decided to try and share this. I am so very glad I did. Thank YOU for your comment and always keep fighting. <3
Amy
I didn’t think anybody else felt the same connection to fictional characters like I do! My friends and family don’t understand why I get so attached to the characters in the movies and shows that I watch! I end up leaving the real world and believing I am part of theirs! It sometimes takes its toll on my emotions though because when they hurt it literally – like you said – feels like I am hurting in the exact same way! I have tried so hard not to do this but it feels like the only way I can escape! Its nice to know that there are others who feel the same way and its given me an idea of how I should feel the happiness of them as well and not only the pain and sadness!
Courtney Pagleno
Pain and sadness are sometimes stronger emotions, but happiness can be strong too! My family totally doesn’t understand my attachment either. I hope this helps you see the good in the bad sometimes, even if it’s just in a show. 🙂
Jodie
I cried. i too am a huge fan of supernatural and have shed many tears and enjoyed many laughs throughout these past ten seasons. your story is beautiful in every way and it touched my heart in a way I will never forget, because when it comes to the realm of self-degradation and suicide, I am an all-too-familiar example. Always Keep Fighting, sister.
All my love,
Jodie
Courtney Pagleno
Thank you so so much for your kind words and I hope it helps, even a small amount, to know that you at least aren’t alone in what you’re feeling. Always keep fighting, we’re in this together, and together we can come out victorious, even if we can’t see it from where we are.
Angie
Wow, I will never look at Supernatural the same way ever again. After reading this post, I realized I’m a “Sam”. I used to (and still do at times) think that no one would care if I was dead. Reading fiction has helped me so much by offering me a way out of my crazy life. I just wish I had a “Dean” to tell me I matter. Of course when I pray and read God’s Word I understand I’m here for a reason, but it would just be different hearing it from a flesh person.
Courtney Pagleno
Well I’m not standing in front of you, flesh and blood, but I will say this: you do matter. I’ve recently started going to church and trying to find my way with God again and it’s more difficult and more rewarding than I thought it would be… It makes me feel like I have a purpose somewhere, someday. And I believe you do too. Keep your head up.
Emma
I saw the summary of this post while googling and the one reason I clicked on it was because I saw the name Sam. I automatically thought ‘Supernatural?’. I’m in love with that show and the people in it. Like you, I find myself relating and having connections more with fictional characters than the people around me. Books and tv shows are my haven. They help me because these characters, especially Sam, help me see myself in a new light. In a way that makes me think that maybe I’m not as broken as I’m thinking that I am. Thank you for this post. It’s coming to me in a dark point of my life, the letter writing and tying up loose ends kind of time. So thanks.
Courtney Pagleno
Swear, this comment almost made me cry. I am so very very grateful I could help you, even a tiny amount. Stay strong.
Brittany
Thank you for this. This was amazing, and honestly, exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thank you.
Courtney Pagleno
You are so very welcome. <3
Sariah
Thanks for writing this. Supernatural has been a huge anchor in my life for the very reasons you pointed out. I always hear people saying that this show means a lot to them and is more than a show, and I think you put it into words perfectly. We’re seeing these men that we love fight these battles and sometimes wanting to give up, but they never do. Seeing their strength gives me strength to say that “If they can get through that, I can get through this.” It has become more than just a show, and the fans of the show have become my family. Supernatural attracts the fans it has for a reason, we can relate. The show and the fan base has become a support system for me and many others, and for that I will always be grateful.
Shawnie James
I too am a Supernatural Fan! I am a split of Dean & Sam. My Dean side wants to save the world from any pain, or to achieve their greatest dreams.
The Sam side is the one that ‘scratched the wall’ and let all the memories of his time in the cage w/ Lucifer & Micheal overtake him, fought back, is doing his best but always, as you said – feels like he doesn’t deserve to be saved.
You wrote so beautifully!! Knowing it came from another ‘Supernatural’ fan was even more comforting.
Maybe the ones most into the fandom, like it so much because we know there are real ‘Monsters’ & Demons around. Evil is always trying to reckon a bargain -Crowley 😉
But we Fight Every Day – we are all Winchesters! In one way or another & that just makes me smile.
I pray for all of you for continued strength and hope!!
Thanks so much sweetie for writing this, I Really Needed It!
Courtney Pagleno
I feel exactly the same way as you do, both about saying “if they can get through this, I can get through that” and about how I feel about my Supernatural family. They are so kind and supportive of everything I do and I love them like I love my own friends and family. My love for this show and all the people involved- fandom and actors included- will never die because of the lasting impact everyone has had on me. It’s a beautiful thing and I am glad to be a part of it.
K
Beautiful, so beautiful. Thank you.
Courtney Pagleno
You are so very welcome. <3
Bailey Ressegger
Hello, I just wanted to say that this story touched me. I love Sam and every season I see parts of my self and life in Sam. I never had words to explain the feeling nor thought anyone knew what it was like. So thank you very much for giving e a sign on a very bad day.
Courtney Pagleno
You are very welcome. Stay strong and always keep fighting.
Nehir
I don’t want you to feel negative about this question but; I want to relate people about this: What would you feel when it is time to say good-bye to the characters that you love. I find it very disheartening, very sorrowful, a fiction that I love is ending. I think you are lucky, you have real people you can relate to, loving you, and seems like you loving them back. In my case I can’t love real people, they don’t strike me as real and deep as some of fictional characters.
Jas
WOW!! thank you so much for writing this. It sums up everything I feel. I throw myself in the fictional world of books and t.v shows. Supernatural has helped me so much to try and stop self harming and the extra work Misha, Jensen and Jared do with their charity work about depressing, suicide and self harming as helped more than anything. yes there are still days when relapse but knowing they are out there and do not want me doing it help. knowing there are people out there like yourself who understand the power of fictional characters help too that i am not alone. and isn’t that ultimately what everyone wants…. to know they are not alone. Thank you writing this and putting what I feel into words. Always Keep Fighting
Katy
I absolutely love this! I have watched this show for years and have felt the things that you have described here. I have cheered the boys on and cried with them and wished that they thought so much more of themselves. Reading your story, though, I can now see why. I struggle with chronic depression and past self-harm that still presents itself in my thoughts to this day. I can relate to these boys and see a part of myself in them and now realize that if I can cheer them on, why can I not cheer myself on? I think this is something that I should really try to change…
Lauren
Courtney, I LOVE Supernatural! I’m sure you’ve now heard of Always Keep Fighting? Isn’t it great? 🙂
Courtney
I actually just got an Always Keep Fighting tattoo recently, it means that much to me!
KOKO
I absolutely love this. I have been a big fan of Supernatural too (Mary had two little lambs, whose souls were damned to hell, they rose and fought and saved the world until the angels fell.) and this post manages to cover up most of my feelings about the show. You are incredibly talented!!