In the last year or so, so many wonderful things have happened in my life. I got engaged. Had two sweet baby nephews added to the family. I finished school. I married my amazing husband.
And, I fell back into a depression.
That last sentence doesn’t make much sense when you look at everything preceding it.
I have struggled with depression off and on for the last decade. Sometimes it “made sense.” There were circumstances and dark storms surrounding that made the depression acceptable in a way. I could somehow understand and validate why I was feeling the way I was. Other times life was just mediocre at best. There were positives, but also stress and other challenges that came along with it. So sure, I guess the feelings of depression I was having kind of fit, too.
But not this time. No, right now there are so many reasons to not feel the way I have been feeling.
I kept telling myself that once I was done with school and I wasn’t so overwhelmed I’d feel better. Then I told myself that once all of the stress of planning a wedding was over I’d feel better. But now I’m at the point where there’s no real obstacle or chaos happening to permit the depression I’ve been faced with once again.
There have been countless days where I have felt incredible guilt for feeling the way I’ve been feeling. Days where I would pick myself apart because “I had no reason to be so sad and unhappy.” I completed my degree—something that I had often thought I maybe wouldn’t or couldn’t accomplish. I married the most amazing guy. We have a nice home in a nice town. He has a steady job and my career is picking up, too. We also have great families who love and support us. I have NO reason to be depressed.
Fighting the overwhelming thoughts that I must be broken has been difficult. When everything else is going well, the problem has to be me, right? But life doesn’t work that way. My brain doesn’t work that way. Depression doesn’t work that way.
Today I am challenging those lies. Today I am choosing to believe that I am not broken.
Depression does not define who I am. It does not define my worth. It does not define whether or not I am good enough or deserving of love. Depression is not me.
So when depression clouds my mind so fiercely that I can’t see beyond it, may I remember that I am not the fog. I am not the mess. I am not the problem. May I extend grace to the person I truly am. To love and care for myself when my mind is not well. When untimely depression and the guilt that goes along with it knock me down, may I find the courage to pick myself up and choose to believe that I am stronger than the storm in my mind.
Joe Johnson
How do you become a blogger on this platform? I’ve loved this brand since middle school, I’m currently 25, and I lost a close friend to suicide when I was 16 while struggling with my own anxiety/depression. I journal a lot about my challenges. I wonder if this would be more impactful and knowing that it could be would be more uplifting then making notes on my phone.
TWLOHA
Hi Joe!
We’re so excited to hear that you’re interested in submitting a blog! You can send your submission (500-900 word draft in a google doc) to us at [email protected]. We can’t wait to hear from you soon, Joe.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Pamela Kinnin
Every day is a struggle if I didn’t have my animals I would have a hard time getting out of bed. Sometimes my dreams are the only real things I can relate to.
Brandon Wanthal
I love that saying… I am stronger than the storm in my mind… it’s perfect. Day by day I try to get better at recognizing when the storm is out of control – then I can take active steps against it.
Leigh Ann Fogle
Thank you for these kind words on remembering to forgive ourselves. I needed them today.
bonnie
Wow! This is beautiful-especially the final paragraph. Thank you!
Leigh
Well said! This hit home for me hard today. I’ve been dealing with depression for over 30 years and these feelings never go away
Neave
Those words make total sense to me for the longest time I was told to look at all the good things in my life and focus on those but with that came down so much more guilt, so much more guilt about not wanting to be here or that I do feel the worst I’ve ever felt. I always felt like it was my fault I was broken and the guilt of what the people around me had to feel because of me. And what you said makes sense to me depression makes us believe we are fragile but we aren’t. When those clouds do come rolling in like in a storm I might stand up and realise that none of this is my fault, like a storm the clouds eventually pass or maybe I just try my very hardest to stand up and walk away from the storm.
Annise
Wow, thank you for the words of wisdom I’ve included them in my prayer to help get me into a mindset of gratitude. Thank you for your beautiful words.
Paula Smith
Thank you for sharing this. I pray you always remain stronger than the storm in your mind and give grace to the person you truly are. Those words are inspiring and such a beautiful message for all of us to remember.
Shane
This is one of my favorite things I’ve ever read on the TWLOHA blog. I can 1,000% empathize with this. I entered a PHP program a few weeks after I got married. It was supposed to be the happiest time, and I just couldn’t function. I was out on leave for months. Thank you for putting this into the words I could never find.
Emily
I needed to hear this so badly right now. Our situations are almost identical and it feels so good to know I’m not alone in this. Thank you so much.
Bindu
Thank you for sharing this…I really needed it.