Blog

Dec8
2016

A Response to the Suicide Note I Wrote 15 Years Ago

By Ashleigh Campora

This month, we’re looking back on the top 10 blog posts of 2016. This post was originally published on June 9, 2016

Breathe.

Your pain will not go unnoticed.

Flush the pills. Dump the vodka down the drain. Throw away the razor blades. You will not be leaving here in a body bag and certainly not by the fault of your own hand. You are going to get through this.

Please, for me, just take a breath.

There is no need to feel so hopeless. You are just so desperate for relief that you can’t see what’s real. Your heart is not as delicate as it feels, and you will soon see that you are capable of so much more, something so much bigger.

So breathe.

Let yourself feel. Tears are the soul’s way of cleansing itself. Cry. Scream. Get angry. Be sad. Just allow yourself to feel it. Don’t waste over half of your life running. Drugs will not vaporize your heartache. It will lay there, dormant in the corner of every room, for your return. When you succeed in becoming an addict, you will sacrifice all that’s good in an attempt to drown out all that’s bad. You’re going to hurt to a point that will bring you to your knees. Let it. You’re not a quitter, but it’s time to give up plotting your own demise. You will fail, and, for the first time, that failure will be beautiful.

You deserve to keep breathing.

Stop setting such unreasonable expectations for yourself. You keep setting yourself up to fail because perfection is unattainable. There will always be someone who is prettier, skinnier, or funnier. Stop starving yourself of sustenance. The number on the scale is unreliable. Beauty is measured in heart, not pounds. And, my god, your heart is beautiful. Let go of the belief that they’d be better off without you.

And breathe.

You’re scared, and that’s OK too. Soon a day will come when you are the fixture of somebody’s universe. The sun, in her eyes, will rise and set by you. And she’ll call you Mommy. I know it doesn’t make much sense right now, but it will, I promise. Yours is not the only ship you’d sink by checking out of here. You have angels on both sides of the line fighting hard to show you that you cannot simply just “disappear.” Your thinking is so clouded you cannot see that even the worst of the pain eventually subsides. But death does not. Death is a permanent fixture in life. Death does not turn back.

Take a breath.

Fifteen years from now you’re going to look back on this. With a sigh, you’re going to ask yourself, “Why?” Fifteen years from now you’ll find yourself sitting in that same darkness you’ve always feared. But this time you’ll be quietly watching as your daughter’s chest rises and falls as she sleeps. You’ll smile and think to yourself, “My god, I almost missed this.”

So please. I’m begging you.

Don’t forget to breathe.

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Comments (33)

  1. Sheri

    I am sobbing as I read this for the 3rd time… Gripping. Thank you for sharing.. I am speechless. I wish my David could have read these words.

    Reply  |  
    1. Ashleigh campora

      It means so much that you were touched by my letter. I am so glad it is relatable. I am so sorry for your loss ❤️

      Reply  |  
  2. Aly

    Thank you.

    Reply  |  
  3. Danika

    This right here “The sun, in her eyes, will rise and set by you. And she’ll call you Mommy.” This is what keeps me breathing, the hope that one day I will be a mommy.
    This is so beautifully written. Thank you for sharing, I needed to read this.

    Reply  |  
    1. J.

      I know you will a sweet mommy, too! My first plan was when our daughter was 2 1/2 y/o. She is now 30 y/o and her brother will be 24 soon. They are so amazing, if I didn’t know better, I’d think they hung the stars! I’m in a hard fight again but they keep me breathing. Breathing and finishing my race strong for future generations. You can, too. My great-niece will know that I finished strong when He calls me home. Not in my timing.

      Reply  |  
  4. Ali

    This moved me to tears. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply  |  
  5. Anna

    The tears are uncontrollable as I read this, on a summer night I almost never saw. “Just breathe” were the words my best friend said to me the night she saved my life. I am now living the best life I could imagine, with a man who embraces me scars and all and friends who don’t shy away from my darkened past. These words are beautiful. Never stop sharing them.

    Reply  |  
  6. Anna

    The tears are uncontrollable as I read this, on a summer night I almost never saw. “Just breathe” were the words my best friend said to me the night she saved my life. I am now living the best life I could imagine, with a man who embraces me scars and all and friends who don’t shy away from my darkened past. These words are beautiful. Never stop sharing them

    Reply  |  
  7. Anon

    I’m so glad you kept breathing, even though you didnt want to. I hope stories like ours will help spark the hope of a better tomorrow in the hearts of those struggling today. God bless you darling.

    Reply  |  
  8. Bellla

    This is beautiful by the heart. Thank you for sharing, for caring, and for breathing
    God bless

    (Ps thank you Twloha for changing the mobile layout!)

    Reply  |  
  9. Katie

    Thank you.

    Reply  |  
  10. Manya

    This was beautiful, thanks for sharing.

    Reply  |  
  11. Rahman

    A very timely reminder that I should breathe. That I’ll be okay. No matter how heavy in thick darkness I feel, I will make it out alive.

    Reply  |  
  12. Sunshine

    This was beautiful and nearly made me cry. It was powerful. Hope you and your daughter are doing okay ♡ I once wanted to end my life. It was weird because that night I envisioned myself a mother of a little girl (I have fears of being a parent so this was odd for me) and that is something that stuck with me. I’m only 18 now but that’s what keeps me going. Knowing one day I’ll be someone’s mom. This was amazing.

    Reply  |  
    1. Ashleigh

      Thank you so much. Stay. The world needs you.

      Reply  |  
  13. Ridi dead

    This helped me alot. Thanks 🙂

    Reply  |  
  14. Anthony moylan

    This is wonderful. Brilliant poem.

    Reply  |  
  15. Kassandra Maldonado

    I needed this

    Reply  |  
  16. Christina

    What a wonderful experience to have!
    I wish, more than anything, that I could be in that place, but after 15 years, I am only left wondering why I will never hear anyone call me “Mommy”… and it breaks my heart to have to face that loss the most, out of everything depression that has robbed me of… the opportunity to really have a positive impact on the world through a product of my love with another, my partner and best friend. I just never met him.
    Each day I fight to keep breathing, and as more and more time passes, there seems to be less and less reason to do so… maybe after another 15 years… if only I can keep breathing…

    Reply  |  
    1. TWLOHA

      Hi Christina, thank you so much for sharing this with us. Our hearts are so heavy to hear about your struggles with these things. We want you to know, first and foremost, that you’re not alone. You’re not alone in your struggles, in your depression, or in any other part of your life. We are here for you, and want you to know that we’re on your side. We believe that even sharing our stories is a sign of true strength and bravery. Even on hard days, the light is still there. We can see that light in you, and we believe in your ability to keep fighting. We believe in you, in your strength, your bravery, and we believe that there is hope for better tomorrows. We would love to talk with you more and offer you more encouragement. If you’re comfortable, please email us at info@twloha.com

      Reply  |  
  17. Dorothy

    What if one of your problems is not being able to have a child?

    Reply  |  
    1. TWLOHA

      Dorothy,

      Thank you so much for reaching out to us with this. Thank you for opening up to us with a difficult part of your story, and for the honor of being invited to share in it. First of all, you need to know that you matter. You need to know that you’re not alone in the pain that this problem may bring you. It is a pain that some of us know well, so know that we stand with you. We would love to talk more about this and to offer you some encouragement and resources. If you’re comfortable with it, please email info@twloha.com and we can talk more there. We look forward to hearing from you.

      Reply  |  
  18. Liz

    Thank you. I needed to read this tonight. I am so stressed out by living with and fighting for one of my children that things have turned very dark. I used to drink but thank God I’m still nursing the baby so I can’t do that now. But I am thinking things like…what if I just “forgot” or forgo that third cup of coffee…maybe then I might fall asleep at the wheel…and at least wake up in a place where I’d be left alone for awhile to deal with only physical pain. I’ve never thought of a hospital room as a respite before. But I know that thinking is very selfish, and my other children and the rest of my family does not deserve for me to check out. Just so tired and coiled up into knots.

    Reply  |  
    1. TWLOHA

      Liz, our hearts break to hear that you’ve been struggling with these things. These thoughts and these feelings are so heavy, and are so difficult to deal with, but you need to know that you’re not alone. You need to know that, as stressful as life might be, you matter. You matter, Liz. Your life matters. It’s okay to feel these things. It’s okay to feel like life is heavy. But it’s also okay to ask other people to help. It’s okay to lean on others and let them help you carry these burdens. You’re not selfish, Liz. Even sharing these things here with us is a showing of strength and courage. We’re with you, Liz. We would love to talk more with you and offer you some encouragement. If you’re comfortable, please email us at info@twloha.com

      Reply  |  
  19. Anandi

    Thank you for sharing. This helped.

    Reply  |  
  20. Nessie

    Even when those 15 years pass and you do feel better for a long, long time, sometimes that sadness creeps in. Though I know I could never do something terrible as to leave them by choice, (those thoughts don’t flood me like they used to years ago) it’s nice to have a reminder of what good there is in life . This reminded me of what I have to be thankful even when I have my darkeness, my children are my light- the light I need to shine over the dark places to remind me of what I need to boldly face. If not for myself, for them. Thank you.

    Reply  |  
  21. vitoria maria

    olá meu nome é vitoria eu não sei como mim sinto eu vivia muito bem até eu mim muda pra uma nova vida e começa a fica só mais ate ai era otimo eu tinha 12 anos quando tudo começo eu sofria muito na escola porque eu era uma menina calada e calma mais depois eu foi vendo que tudo mundo tinha amigos e eu não comecei a mim corta a comecei a tenta mim marta porque eu sentia um vazio muito grande eu vivia sozinha meus pais só vivia trabalhando eu cada vez mim afundando mais eu com 15 anos já tinha tento mim marta 30 vez mais sempre que eu tava já morrendo sufocada alguém chegava no meu quarto e torrava as cordas mais tudo mudo no começo desse ano que dizer eu pensava que ia muda né eu conheci um cara pensava que ele era legal mais infelizmente ele não era ele só era um cara perdido como eu e como estava deslumbrada com ele porque finalmente tinha achando alguém que eu acha que mim amasse mais infelizmente ele só complicou mais minha vida ele usava tudo tipo de drogas mais eu não sabia até dia que eu vi ele usando eu fiquei muito chatiada com ele porque eu pensava que ele era legal dize a ele que não queria ele mais pois eu achava isso muito erado oque ele fazia mais eu acabei voltando pra ele porque ele dize que ia para de usa mais ele continuo ate que chegou um dia que ele dizer que usa drogas era legal tão eu loucamente apaixonada comecei a usa ai dai por diante eu já mim sentia mal quando comecei a usa mim um lixo pois meus pais não tinha mim criado pra aquilo a vontade de mim marta era cada vez mais forte até que um dia eu peguei um monte de remédios e álcool e uns drogas que eu usava e tomei tudo pra mim marta e tira aquela culpa de mim mais graças a deus quando mim acham mim levam pra hospital e lá eu tive duas paradas cardiaca no hospital eu assistir o filmes dessa historia no hospital e foi quando eu vi que tinha que para e vive uma vida normal fazer 4 messes que deixe meu namorando faz três messes que to limpa das drogas e livre da vontade de mim marta eu to bem agora vou começa a fazer faculdade estou vivendo um dia de cada vez obrigada por mim ajuda

    Reply  |  
    1. Claire Biggs

      Vitoria,

      We’re so happy to hear about how you’re doing now! Thank you for sharing part of your story with us.

      Reply  |  
  22. vitoria maria

    lindo texto

    Reply  |  
  23. Shea

    In tears reading this. This. It’s exactly what I needed to see right. Now

    Reply  |  
  24. sharon

    Wow this is just amazing! Damn this is good

    Reply  |  
  25. me

    I am trying… hard to breathe when it’s crushing..
    I kept my promise… saw him graduate
    I’ll make no more promises

    Reply  |  
    1. Becky Ebert

      Please continue. Please stay. You don’t have to make any more promises if you don’t want to, but please make a promise to stay and do the very best you can to keep it.

      You are not alone in this. And if you ever need immediate help, you can text TWLOHA to 741741 via Crisis Text Line. You will be put in contact with a trained counselor. Also, if you would like to share more of your story with us, please email info@twloha.com. We would be honored.

      With Hope,
      TWLOHA

      Reply  |  
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