Blog

Oct15
2015

Beautiful. Loved. Enough.

By Jessica Morris

When I woke up this morning, a familiar sensation of dread took over me. Thoughts of, “I have to do this,” “I can’t do this,” “What if I don’t do this?” filled my mind. I wanted to go back to sleep and hide from the world.

As much as I’d like to say I rarely have these mornings, the fact is I have them far too often. I wake up most days to the constant reminder that I live with a mental illness. And if I’m not immediately met with feelings of fear about how the day will pan out, they’re present as I go to take my medication. Recovery is a journey, and some days it’s hard to accept that I will always have to live with my OCD, depression, and anxiety.

It is easy to be consumed by these feelings of loneliness and failure. Instead of believing that I am a valued and significant person who just happens to struggle with mental illness, I begin to believe that I am my illness.

But every day I must remind myself that I am not.

I am not my depression.
I am not my anxiety.
I am not these days of darkness.
I am not a lost cause.

Today was different. Today I decided I’d had enough of waking up feeling isolated and afraid. Today I wanted to feel alive, to embrace the fact that I am living and breathing. Today I wanted to celebrate new beginnings.

So I said to myself, “You are beautiful. You are loved. You are enough.” I repeated this to myself over and over, believing that eventually I would know these words to be true.

“You are beautiful.”
Even when you don’t feel good enough. Even when you don’t fit the mould. Even when other people don’t tell you this.

“You are loved.”
Even when you’re alone. Even when everyone else seems to have someone and you don’t. Even when you don’t feel capable of being loved.

“You are enough.”
Even when you’ve done nothing in the day except hide under the covers. Even when you relapse. Even when you forget why you started.

Now that I have started challenging my negative thoughts, I want to change the game and have more good mornings that bad. So I’m going to keep trying to remind myself of these truths. If you struggle to get these words out of your mouth, say them with me:

“I am beautiful. I am loved. I am enough.”

We will believe them for each other because we know they are true. We know that no one else can play our part in this world. And eventually, as we keep saying these words and believing them for one another, they will become true for us as well.

We will continue to fight for the happy days we deserve, and we will get there because we have each other. Here’s to not doing the journey alone. Here’s to more good mornings than bad.

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Comments (35)

  1. Kris

    thank you for sharing your heart…is can be such a lonely place and it is so good to be reminded that we are not alone and that we are beautiful, loved and enough…just the way we are, for today, for this very moment. peace

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  2. Tiffany

    This was exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you.

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  3. Alyson

    we have the same last name! Well, my maiden name. But anyways, thank you for these inspiring words for I too wake up many mornings anxious right away! I will write those helpful words on my bathroom mirror or in my journal! Heck, how about both! We are not alone!!!

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  4. Lindsey

    Thank you so much. It feels so good knowing people understand how I wake up feeling in the morning. I reach over for my pills and often think to myself “this is all I really am, and will ever be.” It’s hard for us, I’m glad I’m not going through this alone.

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  5. Mel

    I had a very very tough day today & this is exactly what I needed to read. I struggle with anxiety & depression & I love that people everywhere are opening up about it & supporting each other. You have helped me today. Thank you for reminding me….:I am beautiful. I am loved. I am enough.
    & so are you 💗

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  6. Neil wintzloff

    The fight constant,the battle long, in our mind is where it is won. You are beautiful and you are worthy of love. As am I.

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  7. Brittany

    Beautifully said! I needed this. Thank you!

    Reply  |  
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  9. Aida Valdes

    This is absolutely wonderful. While I have been able to overcome my OCD in certain ways, there are many days when I don’t feel like I am enough. I have my faith, family, friends, and a kind and compassionate boyfriend, and yet, there are days that just suck becaus of my overthinking. Thank you for the reminder: I am beautiful, I am loved, I am enough.

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  11. Ashley

    Thank you for sharing this because it’s so relatable to me right now. I’ve just gotten to a point where I am trying to challenge the darkness when it creeps up on me, and it is really hard. Even though in my head and my heart I know I am not alone, it is nice to see others are with me. We are all together in this fight!

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  12. Kristin

    This could not have been said any better. Thank you for posting, we are not alone in this world even when the negative tape starts in our head. This article reminded me of why we fight through our illness. Thank you again.

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  13. lucy

    Thank you for sharing, i really needed this

    Reply  |  
  14. Bridget

    My recent post-pardum story I want to get out. While I was pregnant with my daughter, I became very easily upsettable. whether angry or sad. Previously, before I found out I was pregnant, I had issues with my parents and brother. After I gave birth to her, It was beautiful, magical, but I couldn’t help but think something would go wrong, and it did. She swallowed muconium, her first stool. My heart sank, and as they laid her on me, I was even more worried they weren’t fixing her immediately. as much as I loved those few seconds, I begged them to take her away to fix her. After, I couldn’t hold her until 4 days after. On top of that, I was breastfeeding her. I had the epidural, and as soon as that hour was up, I got up out of the damn bed and walked to her, refusing a wheelchair and everything, crawling against the walls, focused on seeing her. and when i did, i cried. She had to stay in the hospital a week after, and that made me cry more. Already still dealing with my parents divorce a few years ago, and the current problems with parents at the time, i couldn’t breathe I was so upset alot of the time. Then the doctors told me they were sending me home…without her. Everything was already so messed up and it was just getting worse. I tried to look on the bright side-I didn’t get sleep at the hospital, and neither did my fiance, so we will have a chance to catch up and prepare for her. It’s for the best. I couldn’t help hating the hospital for keeping her, despite how wonderful the nurses were and that they even sent me a letter wishing the best. The week following my discharge was hell. Pure and utter hell. I decided it was the perfect time to let all of my feelings out in the open to my parents. get all that drama in the open and in the past. I had his family and him for support. On top of that…I had to walk 1/4 a mile from the gas station to the hospital to see my daughter. And I didn’t care, I had to sete her. We couldn’t afford to go up often, but when we did, I tried to breastfeed instead of pump. My heart sank when they said they had to give her a bottle. And ultimately, I only lasted 6 weeks with it. But damnit i tried. After she finally got out, new issues emerged, now i gotta take care of her, i don’t even have time to think. and at the time, my fiance wasnt comfy letting my parents watch her. so no breaks for the first month or two, until i went back to work. When I did go back to work, I went for a few days, and found myself unable to work, just feeling too depressed to do anything. This lasted 3 months, on different anti-anxieties and anti-depressants. Come later, and my mom asked me to go to florida with her and take the baby. He didn’t like the idea, but I insisted. So I went with my mom stepdad and brother and daughter. Before this trip, my brother did not feel comfortable with her. While on this trip, I had the time of my life. Going shopping, to the beach, and I didn’t have to worry about taking care of her. And after the first day, instead of running and crying when she needed something, I found I was offering to help. My brother was offering to help. Remember what I said earlier? I bonded with my Stepdad so much over this vacation, and came to understand more of him. It’s funny, I always catch him after getting mad about something, saying “i’m over it”. He always tells me “Life’s too short. Live it girl!” I find myself hearing these things in my heart more and more now. We always had fun sneaking off for a cigarette every once in a while, we took many walks doing that, and I learned to appreciate so much around me, watching people ride bikes with plastic bags smoking broken cigarettes and digging through trash, and embracing nature and society in ways i never understood. I even got to reflect on my home life, and change my aspect on it. The reason I went is because I wanted happiness, and I needed to figure out why I couldn’t feel happy. It was because I forgot to dream. To desire. And after i figured that out, I was back. After I came home from a wonderful trip, I was a new person. So sometimes, when you’re just too upset, you need to find something to work for. You need to focus on now, and look positively. My heart still hurts, but I now found an appreciation for what i have and want.

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  15. Shawna

    I struggle with ocd, depression and anxiety as well and I constantly struggle with those three things: the definition of beautiful, not being loved or worthy. It is so amazing to hear that I am not alone in this and I want to start waking up thinking this way instead of alone. Thanks for sharing ❤

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  16. Ron

    Thank you for this post. I could tell my whole long and drawn out story in a comment, but it would just be too much to write, and too much more for others to read. I’ve had some degree of anxiety most of my life, and starting with adolescence/early adulthood some bouts of depression. It’s all been fairly manageable up until the last few years. Now at nearly 32 years old, I find the weight of the depression soul crushing at times, the panic and anxiety… nearly unbearable, and just having the strength to fight it can be tricky. I was seeing a therapist for a few months, and for the handful of productive sessions, there were easily 2-3x as many where the therapist just wasn’t even present/did not seem all that interested in doing her job. I figured whatever, fired her, and moved on. Found renewed strength in creativity, as I often have in the past, and started to feel better. Started being more physically active (running, practicing my tennis serves, etc.) and felt addicted to exercising for about a week until it passed. Now I’m just lost, buried under sadness, and feeling utterly insane as anxiety can do to a person when it gets really intense.

    Fuck, I gave more of my “story” out than I even planned to in this stream of consciousness. Anyhow, all my comment should have said is “Thank you for this post. You have no idea how badly I need it right now. I will be okay, but for now, I’m accepting that sometimes it’s okay not to be okay. I truly respect and love all the work that TWLOHA does.”

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  17. Holly

    Realizing that I am NOT my illness was a big awakening for me. It really helped me to get a better picture of myself seeing all the different shades of me…I wasn’t just my mental illness. You’re helping a lot of people…keep writing.

    Reply  |  
  18. Paula O.

    Amazing. Exactly how I feel. Sometimes I wish I was different. After reading this, I am happy with who I am.

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  19. Audrey

    Simply Beautiful….💜

    Reply  |  
  20. Melissa

    I want to share with you that I to battle with these same mind altering negative thoughts. I am ready to start being positive and challenge myself to be positive and not complain about anything. I am very interested in blogging about depression, anxiety and how to overcome it all. I loved reading this article and I will be sharing this one! Thank you for putting this into words that I couldn’t think of.

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  21. Kim

    Jessica – it’s amazing how much hope and strength and love radiates through your writing to those of us reading it. These are the kinds of personal stories others can relate to and draw strength from. Thank you.

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  22. Jacquie

    So good. So encouraging. Thank you.

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  23. Anonymous

    I didn’t know anyone else understood. Thank you.

    Reply  |  
  24. kaykay...

    So my problem is i am locked up and have a lot of time to think about how “fat” i’m getting or how “ugly” i am… I try to tell myself differently but there is so much that tells me im not.. It’s like i hate myself or not hate but dislike myself because i have to look at what i have created. I was addicted to drugs and alcohol, and i got sent off…. I thought oh this will be easy i’ll get out soon, but then i started to get depressed and having bad anxiety. I have always had anxiety and depression but you start to notice it more when you have too look at it and deal with it daily. They put me on these depression medication and since i have been on them i felt like i’ve gotten worse. I started to ___ myself and i only done it twice before i got caught… I don’t know how to look past it or how to get over this feeling especially when i got a lot of shit going on around me…. It feels like a never ending game. Your mind wants you to give in, but you know you shouldn’t.. I want to runaway and hide out so i can just be alone..

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  25. Ariadna Lopez

    Thank you, thank you, thank you <3

    Reply  |  
  26. Patricia

    Thank you for writing this post. It is very encouraging. I suffer from anxiety and depression. I am going to try and remember that I am a beautiful, loved and enough.

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  27. anika Norgriff

    For someone who suffers from bpd and mdd like myself, I must say thank you 😊 It made today a great day….. I am beautiful. I am loved. I am enough.

    Reply  |  
  28. Sofie

    When I read this I felt my heart get tight. I’m so happy that there is someone else out there that understands how I feel. I have anxiety as well as mild depression. Everyday thoughts go through my head such as, “I don’t fit in with everybody. I’m not normal. Everyone is just pretending to love me and pretending to like being around me. I should just avoid being around people. I’m just a lazy person.” After reading what you wrote I felt a little better about myself. Thank you. 🙂

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  29. Lexi

    I needed to hear that as today i am struggling with the negative thoughts, that I’m not doing enough, that i will relapse and struggle and go down into that dark deep hole of suffering, i have OCD, GAD and depression, this couldn’t be more true. I just never feel that i am enough, this article proved me wrong.

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  31. Becca Trussell

    Beautiful. We will indeed continue this fight together. And even though the dark days still come, we can rejoice in peaceful days. The happy days. The hopeful days. Because we deserve those little victories. ❤

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  33. Danae

    I’ve struggled with lots of things over the past 2 years.

    I over-think everything which causes me to be anxious pretty much all the time. I get panic attacks pretty regularly every few hours. I’m pretty sure that I have social anxiety because I get overly nervous if I have to talk to people other than my friends or family. I also am pretty sure that I’ve been depressed for short periods of time over these last 2 years. I struggle with my self-image, and to no avail have I tried to change it. I struggle with feeling unloved, left behind, and ignored. I struggle with not being good enough for my parents and for God. All of these struggles (except for my panic attacks) are unknown to anyone around me. Even the panic attacks have a reason unknown to anyone but myself.

    I struggle with lots of things, but most of them have been related to these 3 simple statements. “I am beautiful. I am loved. I am enough.” I believe that these are some of the most important things people to hear. Especially in their teenage years. If I had heard these when I was 12 instead of when I was 14, I might’ve been able to avoid a lot of the stress and anxiety that I’ve had through the years.

    At 15 years old I can say that I have successfully beat absolutely zero of my struggles.

    But that doesn’t mean I won’t try.

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  35. Donna Green

    Thank you for sharing this with me. ❤

    Reply  |