For most of my life, I’ve been in a constant search for a reason why I battle depression and anxiety. I’d ask myself: Why do I have to go through this? I didn’t choose it. What did I do wrong? Is there something I can do to reverse it?
At times, it hurt so much that I wished terrible things would come about just so I could validate the pain, make some sort of sense of it all. I wanted answers to calm the chaos of feeling so out of control.
This year, some of those answers came to light.
But before I delve into those discoveries, it needs to be said that mental illness doesn’t need a reason to exist. Most of us don’t get a reason, it just happens and we are forced to face it, to deal with it. A reason, something awful, terrible, or heavy is not required to kickstart a lifelong struggle. With or without a reason, our experience is valid, our struggles are absolutely real. I guess I’m just part of the minority in this case.
I’ve always felt different. I was never quite like the other kids and I couldn’t pick out why. I noticed it in third grade when my mom gave me “the talk.” She grabbed a book with detailed images, and explained everything from puberty to sex to how babies were born. She said it was a natural part of life and that I would actually embrace it when I was older. When she finished, I cried. She laughed and asked me why, but I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t have an answer for her.
When my middle school classmates started to explore their bodies, cracking jokes in the locker rooms, I felt even more distant. I didn’t get it. Whether a serious topic of conversation or a crude joke, I still wasn’t interested. I thought that perhaps I was still too young—maybe I would get older and something would click.
But nothing ever did.
My depression and anxiety got stronger as my voice got weaker. And no matter what I did, there was a lingering feeling that something about who I was, wasn’t OK.
When I got married, I assumed that I would suddenly feel fine about sex and all that came with it. My friends said that everything would fall into place with the right person. Television told me that sex was an integral part of marriage. Church said it too. But on my wedding night, I cried. And I kept crying. I started to dread anniversaries and holidays and birthdays and conversations with other married people. I hid the truth that my relationship wasn’t like other relationships.
Every year, around the same time for about five years, my husband and I had the same conversation. We were both exhausted and angry and sad. We were hurting each other and had no idea what to do. My depression had reached an all time low; we were disconnected and terrified. Life without each other didn’t seem possible, but life together—like this—didn’t either. I sought therapy and tried to work through trauma. Nothing seemed to “fix” me.
Earlier this year, the topic of asexuality arose. My husband knew a few people who identified as asexual and questioned if I might too. This was the first time I had heard of it, so I turned to the internet.
What I found was a sexual identity that described me and a community of people who felt the same way I did.
I wasn’t broken. I didn’t need to be fixed. I could finally name what I was struggling to make peace with.
I felt validated. I felt free. For the first time in my life, I felt OK. It was as if a power had suddenly been handed to me. As if someone had said, “Here. Here is a way to stand up and fight the lies your depression and anxiety have screamed at you all these years. This is who you are and who you’ve always been—and here is the language to express it. There is nothing wrong with you.”
I am asexual (and biromantic—but we’ll get into that another time). For me, this means I don’t experience sexual attraction or desire. I never have, and that’s OK. I still battle anxiety and depression, and I don’t know when I ever won’t, but right now I have the upperhand. I’m winning. And yes, I am going through divorce—the decision was amicable—but it’s the first time I’ve felt my feet were on solid ground.
So what happens when you’re in your late twenties, nine months post an attempted suicide, and suddenly discover who you are? Magic happens. Community happens. Hope happens. And healing begins.
We all need allies. We all need people who will stand for us when we can’t. We need people in our corner to remind us that we’re OK when we don’t feel it. Whatever you’re feeling, you can express it, you can explore it. People may judge, but there will always be people who will accept you as you are. There will be allies who will walk with you through the heavy and celebrate with you in the light.
May you continue to find positive steps and peace along life’s road.
There have been sometimes in my life when a stranger told me it was al going to be all right. They had no reason and didn’t know me, but had faith and I was so thankful. So let me share with you – it’s going to be all right, and there are angels watching over you. Always be proud of who you are.
You are OK the way you are.
This was really interesting for me to read. I have started to think I am asecual – I mean I have joked about it even when I was in HS but only within the past year or so started realizing it may be true.
It’s so complicated and I feel it is tied into my depression and anxiety in ways I can’t even understand.
But just reading someone else who is going through something even close to similiar felt so important to me.
Janet Lynn Rubbo
Thanks for the great sharing… I suffer from anxiety & depression also. But I have never heard of Asexuality before. So I found your story extremely interesting. And I love new knowledge about people and their journeys… so I learned something new from you, thanks for that. I have BPD and know the torture of spending years clueless as to why you are the only freak on the planet because you don’t understand your own brain!!! I wish you well.??
Thank you. Thank you for giving hope. While I am not a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I related with this. Best of wishes to you and your future.
By Lauren Penna, thanks a lot for the post.Really thank you! Much obliged.
I loved this. May you grow in understanding and peace.
So how are you and your husband dealing with your asexuality and his heterosexuality within your marriage? Your discovering your asexuality doesn’t fix the problem in your marriage does it?
I know this post is from over a year ago but hopefully l get a reply. I have severe depression, anxiety, add, hypothyroidism, pelvic floor dysfunction and now possibly dyscalcula. I run the gamut. I’m not sure what I am to be honest. I know l am attracted to guys but having sex has always kind of scared me to a degree. Before l started meds at 18, I had no interest in sex at all because l was always taught to wait till your married. I mean I didn’t even use tampons till l was 32(almost three years ago). The same thing for gyno appointments. My friend said you need to go if you are sexually active or not. I was so petrified but in time, I found a place that I am comfortable with.With that being said, l don’t know if the meds took the little interest l had in sex away or if I even had my to begin with. Now beingnon meds for awhile now, one of the warnings is the meds will cause horrible birth defects if I were to have a baby so even if I did have a boyfriend I would potentially marry, again l would be to nervous about becoming pregnant by mistake and risk danger to the unborn child.
Hopefully this all makes sense to somebody. So yeah, l don’t know if I am asexual or what l am.
We’re glad you found this blog post and that you’ve found some comfort and connection through reading it. If you would like to talk more about what you’re going through and trying to process, you can always email our team at [email protected]. We would be honored to hear more of your story and offer you some encouragement. Thank you for being so open and honest with us.
Funny thing, I began to suspect I was asexual in my mid to late 30s. Wasn’t sure what was wrong with me, always felt alone, an outcast among my friends who were all married, had kids…were happy. I always wanted kids, someone I could help nurture in this world. Never happened. The only person I ever opened up to about this was a priest who told me there was something intrinsically wrong with me, he recommended I go to a psychologist to discuss this, because having no sexual desire was, in his mind, an impossibility. Let’s not consider I’ve been to three separate psychologists in my life with never feeling better. Honestly, one of the worst parts of depression is feeling you will never get better, but even worse is the feeling that you don’t want the help.
For now, I struggle to ignore how empty my life is, because if I were to think about it, I’d realize how alone I am…and a large part of me believes if I were to disappear, it wouldn’t matter. There’s nothing wrong with being asexual, what offends me is when you are told you have to have a sexual orientation, because to have no sexual desire somehow makes you defective.
You are not defective. You are not broken. How you feel, how you identify is and always will be valid. Please know that our entire team here respects and appreciates you as you are. If you ever need support or someone to listen, you can email us at [email protected]. We’re on your side.
Thank you for this blog..It feels good to know that there is someone else out there who feels like I do..i would like to ask you some questions sometime if I may..
I have recently found in myself the words you wrote here. I identify as asexual biromantic too and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me because finally when I look in the mirror, I recognize the person staring back. Thank you for sharing your story. It gives me hope for mine.
Jennifer L Gonzalez
May I please speak with you? I was reading the book Gender Queer Maia Kobabe and it just hit me what I am. It defines why I struggle. It’s concrete, it’s solid, it has meaning. It’s so profound and emotional. And I can’t stop crying.
Thank you so much for this. I recently found the label asexual within the past six months and have begun identifying as such, and while my depression is separate from my asexuality, there’s no denying that sometimes I get upset thinking that I may never end up with a partner because of how sex-driven our world is today. Not to mention, I personally identify with being a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, but I know there’s some people who may tell me I can’t identify as such because I’m still (demi?)heteroromantic.
We are not broken, we are perfect the way we are, and we are valid. Much love from an ace friend! <3
(I’m sorry, the previous reply contained an error in writing)
I’m sorry I cried reading your blog. I’m also always confused why I’m not “normal”. even, when I find a story from boyslove anime. I feel normal for a while. Even though it’s anime and manga is a bit it does not matter But I throw up if it’s the real thing. I don’t know what’s still bothering me. I also remember how much I hated myself. I went through that dark period without realizing it. In my family, no one knows I fought hard. But when they find an asexual community, they definitely go through it too! you too. Thank you for sharing your experience.Oh yes, when we are depressed, we tend not to have any interest. I’m also confused as to why I don’t have a hobby or anything. And it’s also nothing like that. :’) I recently came across the term “agender”. It helped me too
There’s no need to apologize for crying and relating to this blog. We’re glad you found them and that they resonated with you. We hope this story reminds you that you are not alone and your experiences are valid.
Sending light and understanding your way, Adinda.
I’m asexual, and it’s been hard because I didn’t ever hear a lot about the existence of asexuality as an identity. I hear more now that I’m engaged in the community (I check AVEN every week).
I suffer from anxiety and depression
Your price helped remind me that I’m never as alone in my experiences as I think I am
Thank you so much for reading and sharing your experience! We are so grateful that you exist and are part of our story.
I love this,thank you for sharing…I am an ally