This piece was originally posted here on Medium.
I’m going on week three of being in a total depressive funk, which seems like a cosmic joke as it was only at the end of February that I was asking myself if depression remission is a thing that happens, because, at the time, I felt totally fine.
It’s serious business for me to feel totally fine, and I thought it was serious back then when I thought I had gone into some sort of depression remission.
It’s not usual or regular for me to feel totally fine, and so something felt…off… like I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop me back to where I was before, and lo, that shoe has dropped.
Yesterday was the first day that I had trouble getting out of bed.
The alarm went off and I snoozed and snoozed the thing, getting up over an hour later than I usually do, only to lay down on the couch in our living room and spend most of the day listlessly trying to watch TV, but I couldn’t even do that because I would either completely space out or just fall asleep.
Today, it was even harder to get out of bed, and I’ve spent the morning reading, not even wanting to bother turning on the TV because I feel like there’s no point, that I won’t absorb anything anyway, so why not read a book I’ve read a million times before, just to pass the time.
That’s what I feel like when I’m in the depths of depression — that everything I do is meaningless — that all I am doing is passing time, waiting for it all to be over.
You know, waiting for life to be over.
Because depression is more than just the thief of joy — it can take your very life.
Depression lies to me, making me believe my life is worthless.
That’s the hardest thing about depression that I struggle with, that I think all of us depressives struggle with the most — that it’s a liar, and it tells us terrible things about ourselves to ourselves, making us believe them.
Things like:
I’m worthless.
I have nothing to offer.
I’m a burden on my friends and family.
It would be better if I were just not here anymore.
Depressive lies start to spiral into suicidal thoughts, which then lead me to panic.
I imagine it’s what drowning feels like, only mentally.
You start to sink under the waves of darkness and then suddenly realize that you want to fight for your life, so you start surging for the surface, choking and flailing your way along until you find yourself back from the edge of danger.
Thankfully, I’ve always been able to find my way back from the edge, but I wonder in times like these whether I will always be so lucky.
Depression steals joy, but it also steals time.
Depression steals time in my life that I would otherwise use creatively, to write, to read, to grow.
It’s nearly impossible for me to be sitting here getting these words out of my fingers onto the screen — I’ve nodded off at least twice, I keep deleting things and re-writing them, not knowing what to say because I feel like it’s the same old story, told for the billionth time by the millionth person.
Days go by and all feel the same because they are the same.
When nothing new is created, a day is wasted.
It’s something I’ve felt for years, and it’s something I feel even more acutely when I am not creating because I am stuck in a dark hole of depression, feeling like I’m without a good word to say.
Depression steals my words from me.
When I am this way, it’s hard to know what to say.
Hey, I’m depressed again.
Who cares, right?
It’s a tale as old as time, and who am I to tell it?
Who am I to tell any stories, she who never edits anything to completion, she who calls herself a writer and then goes days without picking up a pen or putting fingers to the keyboard to nurture herself?
Who do you think you are? Depression asks.
I’m just this girl trying to hold on.
I’m just this girl who fancies herself a writer who doesn’t write regularly, who is bursting with words and ideas but feels blocked up and too zoned out to make anything worth reading.
So I stay away from the page, and then I feel worse.
It gets darker when I don’t tell my stories, even if they’re the same old stories that everyone is sick of reading.
But I’m sick of this darkness, so I come here anyway, looking for some light.
I tell myself if I keep writing anyway, even if depression is the only thing I can write about right now, at least I can still write.
At least I can still do the thing I am supposed to be doing.
The only thing that makes me feel like I’m actively clawing my way out of the darkness.
Because if I can’t do at least this, I don’t know who I am anymore.
Depression is the thief of me.
But I can’t let it take this.
Terry McGarvey
This is PRECISELY what depression does. It robs you of your sense of balance, your perspective, your understanding of your own right to exist. And the pain, the horrible tearing pain that steals your breath, makes you start to almost welcome the terrible thoughts. But I have learned that no matter how painful it is I must keep going. Step by painful step. It will pass. Even when I don’t believe it will.
Christine
Perfectly said. I feel some days i’ve beat it. Then just when my guard is down it sneaks up behind me and I do it all over again ! It’s a constant battle.
Jana
Every word of this … spoke to my soul.
Thank you for finding the words.
Joy
Thanks, Cheaney. (((hugs))) We have to keep writing. I you didn’t, I wouldn’t have had a chance to read this today. Much love, ~Joy
Sharon
Kevin ask Jesus to lift you out of this and lead you to his peace and joy . He loves you and wants you to draw close to him and show you his purpose for your life. We love you and have since you were a little boy! From all I’ve seen on Facebook you are a terrific actor. Would love to come and see you act! Please seek Jesus and find true true joy! Love, sharon borg
Jane
Hey.
I see you over there.
Can’t get up, but I typed these words. So there’s that. Air-fist-bump to you.
Katze
Thank you for writing this! Even if it is the millionth time that someone has written these words, I needed to read them today. I know those lies all too well; they’re a large part of me yet. But your words remind me that not all the voices in my head tell the truth. Thank you for writing this!
Yasmeen
So relatable.. I am sorry you are going through this as well..
Kristin
I soooo identify with this! You’ve put into words how I feel and that I couldn’t do. Thank you
Geraldine
Beautifully written! Thank you so much for writing it.
Claire
Wow. I am in shock right now. You have perfectly encapsulated what depression feels like for me. It really sucks when the activities that bring you the most joy become the most difficult tasks to complete. Thank you for sharing your story. I needed reminded today.
Erin
Thank you for this. I am so with you.
Molly
Thank you so much for writing this. I too recently slipped back into a depression after believing I was in “depression remission.” And I too have been denying myself the creative outlets that help keep me from thinking my depressive thoughts. While I’d like to say your words have fixed everything, we all know that’s not possible. However, your words have made me feel a little less alone at least for a moment and I suppose that is all we can ask for. Thank you.
Sdb
Thank you for writing down what keeps running over and over thru my mind. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I stay because I dont want to hurt my son. But I dont feel like I belong here. I’m tired of feeling. Just tired.
Becky Ebert
Hi friend,
It’s OK that you feel this way. It’s OK that the reason you’re staying right now is for your son. You are strong and the light is still there. Hold on to the love of your son and those around you. Keeping going for the possibility of better days. We believe you’ll find them.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Jemma
Thank you. For writing this. For fighting to write. For fighting to be alive. Came across this after a really bad night. Its put words to an experience I couldnt explain.
Jamie
It’s true, it lies. This is helpful to read and hear and remember, depression lies. This inspired me to write my own version of how depression lies to me, because it also says that no one else will understand. Thank you.
Tya
I can relate to every one of these things. Therefore, thank you for writing this, it makes me feel less alone. I hope both of us and everyone here will get better. Everything is temporary, even the sorrow you carry.
Kathy M Iosua
Yes, it is a x thief!! How does one get passed it? Any suggestions, as how one can conquer it????
e
Marla
Your voice tonight is a life line. I needed to understand what my child thinks and feels when she’s in a depressive state. She is you. You are her. She is my life’s greatest gift. You are someone else’s. Hold on. Keep clawing your way to the surface. You matter.
Donna
You always have hope. Depression does rob us of life. If you have not done so, please see a psychiatrist or clergy or someone because I know you are made of gold and would never harm those around you! At least call the TREVOR line, free call and get this off your chest. People care about you, I even care and we don’t know how many others, many, many I am sure. You are the only one too grab life and say this is my life and depression can’t win against me!!
David Ntalamu
Its is very nice hearing your thoughts and your great endurance that you have towards depression, your awesome writer and that is the living proof to us that thy lord works in miraculous way to speacial children with giften ability like you..There is so much hope in your life because you trust God, your works of writting indicated that your not blaming no one for being in such a condition of special giften child of ABBA.Yes regardless of the lies of the depression that tries to inflicting on you ,it wont takes away the lights of God that is in your minds, heart and soul, I salute you very much because you recognized that your valuable child of God inspites of the depression lies..So dare in mind that though thy lord have allowed you to experiences a temporarly anxiety in your life , still it wont stop the plans and purpose of God in your life. Look at the confidence that you have in your writting , it moves the minds, heart and souls of anyone who may came across in your article..bear in mind that Jesus christ our master have promised to us that in this world we may endured temporly tribulations such as depression and other few as well, but we can trust in his sovergnity that we shall overcome.So every time when you wake with downbringing day just take a time and praying to thy lord concerning his promises ” He has not restores to thy children the spirits of timid but rather sounds minds” continously reminds God about that promises and then get yourself onfront of a mirrow and say couple of good things about yourself. Such as i am very beatiful creature that God has ever created me, I can do all things in Jesus christ because my strengths and comforts comes from the living Lord who never tired or fade up as I do, this gifted miniac upon me have a lot of potentials and by thr will of God i am going to use it to the maximum. So tells the lies of depressions that it cannot ashamed forever , because your articles are amazing and readers are waiting dearly to read or hear from you. Please never stop writting because your articles are blessing to so many childrens out there, your touching and impacted the world than ever. May the lord of host blessing your souls and restore your happness, joys, peace and contentments daily..
By David Ntalamu.
Lisa
I feel like I could have written some of this. Thank you for putting the feeling into words. I have been feeling more down than I have in a long time. Like, 8 years. I am at the point where being out of bed and being around other pepple is painful for me. I hate feeling this way, and I hate feeling like I can’t make it stop. I only wish the people in my life could understand instead of treating me like I have offended them somehow.
TWLOHA
Hi Lisa,
We are so sorry to hear that you are struggling right now. We hope you know that what you’re going through is valid, even if those around you don’t completely understand it. If you want, you can email us at [email protected] and share more of your story. We would be honored to listen and offer you some encouragement and support.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Heidi
Thank you. I can relate to this all too well. I get more inspired to write when I’m depressed but it’s tricky. I may stay up all night writing, then read it the next day and decide it’s garbage, my depression says eh you suck and I delete it all. I’m getting better at not deleting things but thank you. I needed this.
Denise Iwans
Spot on!
Kayla
Relatable in every way. I’ve been there. Keep fighting. A new day will come and shine out the clearer. You’ll want to be there to meet it. Trust me. It does pass in time.
Lily
Hi thank you for the words, how’s life now? Still fighting with depression or you manage to make friends with it? Would love to hear more of your story. I’m struggling with this, and it would help me. Thanks
Rod
I’m a 54 year old male. Your words hit home with me. I’m bi polar,and I’ve been depressed for a few months. Suicidal thoughts are mild,but are present. Never used to be the case. Life isn’t fun. I walk my dog lots,thank goodness it’s summer. This winter is going to be a rough 1 for me I do believe.
TWLOHA
Rod,
We’re so sorry to hear that you are struggling with suicidal thoughts lately. Having to endure that heaviness is not easy in any sense. Please know that you are not alone though, and we are here to listen and offer encouragement and support. Email us at [email protected] if you feel comfortable! It would be our honor to talk to you some more.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Cheryle L Tebor
I am right where you were when you wrote this. No words could better describe exactly how I am feeling right now than what you were able to put from pen to paper. If you should ever find yourself in this dark, desperate, desolate place again, just know that your gift, this writing gift you have, has helped, at least this one woman, know she is not a freak of nature and that she is not alone in her grief. I pray you have found your peace and that I will soon. Thank you
Alexia Hoven
Thank you. Beyond words. My heart’s felt numb with life, and this gave me warmth. There are a million words I’d like to yell out, write, and speak, but I don’t feel like they’d matter. Your words will live within me. Thank you.
Nicole
Thank you so much for this piece! I could have written it myself after just getting a tattoo of a mermaid breaking ropes and so close to the surface of the water! I know that drowning feeling!!! It resonates with me so much! You are not alone!!!
Jackie Daniels
Thank you for this article. I feel so similarly it’s a little spooky. The worthlessness of life of my hardest struggle with depression too. The panic that follows is real. Drowning in the mind and the fear that it will eventually get me, is terrifying every time. Thank you for verbalizing these feelings. For making them real and tangible and human. I too have experienced similar remission of depression, and it being odd.
Thank you Cheney Meaghan . Your words were exactly the medicine I needed today.
Lesa
Very accurate description of deppression. I don’t feel so alone reading this. I tell myself the same things when I can hardly do anything. To help I say its a lack of motivation. A symptom of depression. But then I try to do some things I can do as can’t do other things like the writer.
Ricky fallin
Thank you for sharing and for staying strong,I needed to hear this,I am so glad you’re here.
Bri
Thank you for putting into words what many of us are struggling with.