Blog

Jun29
2016

I Didn’t Want to Die

By Jennifer Wilson

I didn’t want to die.

I only wanted the pain to stop: the pain that encircled and squeezed my ribcage, the heaviness that wrapped my brain in shadow, the agony that turned the whole world dark.

I needed it to cease.

It wasn’t one large trauma that convinced me that death was my only option but an unending series of small griefs that stole my hope. The everyday pressure of life became an unrelenting assault: a heavy hand upon my shoulder that crushed me. One morning I had a minor argument with my husband and, like the proverbial straw on the camel’s back, it broke me into pieces.

And so I decided that I had only one choice that made any sense at all. Everyone would be better off without me, I felt. I made a plan. I wrote letters to my family. I took the bottle of my husband’s prescription painkiller in my trembling hand and washed it down with plenty of alcohol. Through my tears, I called my beloved brother to say goodbye.

The realization of what I was saying took mere moments to settle upon his understanding and then, quickly, it sank in and he sprang into action. He cut me off, hung up on me, and called my husband immediately.

My husband sprinted from his office building and, frantic, searched me out using an app on his phone. He flagged down a policeman. Called the ambulance. Got me to the hospital.

I drank the sludgy charcoal grit from a paper cup as I lay on the gurney and wept.

I didn’t want to die.

I only wanted the pain to stop.

The darkness was so thick. I could not see my children. I could not see the life I had made with the man I had chosen twenty-five years earlier. I could not see my family, the siblings who knew me from birth, the parents who held me since before I could remember. I could not see my friends, who would have willingly grieved with me and encouraged me if only I had let them.

I could not see the love.

There was love all around me, but it was pushed away by the darkness, forcefully evicted from my consciousness by the suffocating black.

At the psychiatric hospital, I was surrounded by people whose experiences were much like mine. I heard familiar stories. I learned new ways to cope. I realized that I had options. Most importantly, however, I saw that I was not alone.

I got help.

I got a proper diagnosis and was put on medication that worked like a shaft of light into my weary, befuddled brain. This did not happen overnight. It took some time to find the right dosages and the correct prescriptions, but I persevered. I held onto hope that the right antidote to the darkness could be found.

I didn’t want to die.

I only wanted the pain to stop.

And it did.

Slowly but surely, with therapy and time, it did.

I am here today to plead with you: Don’t give up.

There is a reason you are reading this right now, at this very moment in time. This is a message you need to hear. You are not alone. The world itself longs for you to stay, is yearning for you to remain. The earth is calling. Listen! There it is, in the warmth of the sun’s rays upon your upturned face, in the cool breeze that caresses your skin, in the song of a bird, the wonder of leaf and flower. The message is there to hear. The earth is begging you not to give up.

For all its darkness, there is light left in which to walk, if only the eyes are unbound from despair.

Reach out. Talk to someone. There is love out there; there is love all around you. Just because you can’t feel it doesn’t mean it’s gone. Don’t believe the darkness. It is a liar and a thief.

I’m glad to be here today.

The rain falls and the sun shines. My children laugh and cry and fight and grow. My parents are grateful. My husband cherishes. My siblings support. My friends appreciate. Every day I see the love I couldn’t see before.

I believed the lies that the darkness spoke, and I tried to take my life.

Some days it is still a struggle. Some days the love is dim and seems far away. Some days I grow discouraged and feel defeated. Some days I still want to leave this world (and all its tribulations) behind. But I keep putting one foot in front of the other, and I hold onto hope. I talk to those around me. I get a good night’s sleep. A new day dawns. I feel better.

I didn’t have to die for the pain to stop.

You don’t have to either.

Leave a Reply

Comments (52)

  1. Charlene

    I could relate to this so much. I feel at such a dark place right now and seeing this makes me able to understand myself a bit more.

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      Charlene, please hang in there. The dark times are excruciating, but the light is on its way…

      Reply  |  
  2. Cherry Castaneda

    Dearest Jennifer,
    Thank you so much for this blog. You are totally right. The words you’ve written are exactly the words I needed to hear; to say: “I do not want to die, I only want the pain to stop.” I have been feeling desperate, hurt and hopeless for a year now. I have had thoughts of ending my life. The only thought that kept me from doing it is I got a wonderful daughter and she still needs me.

    I got to know about this site only two days ago. I was watching an HBO movie at home last Tuesday, 28th June, at the end part, a young man talked about this site. To ease my pain, I thought I wanted to share my story too but got reluctant, thinking it was just a stuff for teeners. In a couple of months I am in my golden years. I felt comfortable to leave a reply after reading your blog. Thank you so much dear Jennifer.
    I have lost trust in people. I do not know who are real and who would betray me again for the nth time. I have been broken to pieces and there is nobody to help me. I needed to talk to at least one person who could understand my situation, but who? I lost my trust in people. They made me feel that they are all the same. They do not care. They made me feel that I am totally wrong, I am bad and it is best for me to die. My faith in God was challenged. Now, thanks be to God! He led me into this site and I feel grateful to know that there are still people who would care. People who would make you feel special without expecting anything in return.
    I hope I could keep in touch with you and to anybody who would want to talk about anything and be friends with me as I am desperately seeking for friends who would understand, listen to and talk to.
    I want to share one of my favorite scriptures: 1 Corinthians 13:13 – “and now these three remain, faith, hope and love, and the greatest of these is love.”
    > I found Faith when God opened my eyes to believe in Him though I could not see Him;
    > I found Love when God gave me a child who taught me to love unconditionally; and
    > I found Hope through TWLOHA…
    Thank you so much guys!

    Reply  |  
    1. Carter Carroll

      I’m glad you’re alive. I’m glad you’re still here to share your story, a story that will continue on, one that deserves to be told. God has funny ways of showing up when we need him. This site and this organization was a Godsend to me. He will always be there to listen to you. He may not give a direct answer all the time, but He will answer in His way. It takes time and patience sometimes. I’m glad you found this community. I’m glad you’re alive. Never stop fighting.

      Reply  |  
      1. Cherry Castaneda

        Thanks so much Carter. I really need people like you. People like those at TWLOHA. People who need people; because it is where we grow and become stronger. I am just sad where I am living right now because I am in a place where people will consider you only because of what they can get out of you.

        Reply  |  
    2. Bellla

      I’m so glad your stories still going. I’m glad you found this blog as a whole, this particular blog post, and TWLOHA. You deserve support
      God bless

      Reply  |  
    3. Jennifer Wilson

      Cherry, what a sweet name. I have s daughter myself whom we call “cherry” because her given name is Charity but the little ones couldn’t pronounce it 🙂 you are awesome, my dear, and so necessary to the world. Please don’t stop fighting. You are precious, and deserve to be heard. Keep fighting. You are loved.

      Reply  |  
  3. Nell

    I know exactly how it feels. Going through my storm now

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      Hold on tight, Nell. Sometimes we have to lash ourselves to the mast in order to make it through. Passing you the rope…

      Reply  |  
  4. Rani

    I can relate to this article so much.
    There have been multiple times I have attempted at my life but in all reality I didn’t want to die I wanted the pain to stop it maybe for someone to notice that I was drowning. A lot of my life has been spent saving other people and never taking time to focus on what’s going on with me. In my mind if I put my efforts into them and forgot about my own problems, my problems would disappear, but in reality, they ended up intensifying over the years and leading to more attempts on my life over the years as the pain intensified and grew.
    Thank you so much for putting into words what I feel and I’m sure many others do as well.

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      Rani, please hang in there. Self-care is not weakness, but a necessary part of living. Allow yourself to live, and feel, and take as much as you have been giving…

      Reply  |  
  5. Sheli

    I feel like this was posted today because I needed to see it. I know hats not really why, but the timing here couldn’t be more perfect.

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      She’ll, you are loved. You are important. Hang in there!

      Reply  |  
      1. Jennifer Wilson

        Stupid autocorrect. That should have said ‘Sheli’!

        Reply  |  
  6. Sheli

    I don’t understand what I said wrong in my last comment, but I wanted to thank the author for writing and posting a piece that I desperately needed to see.

    Reply  |  
  7. Angelina

    Thank you for writing this.

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      You are welcome, Angelina. I hope you are well.

      Reply  |  
  8. Jessica Rae Pulver-Adell

    Jennifer, your words moved me to tears. I would love to connect with you to write for Revival: The Addiction & Self Discovery Magazine. Yours is a voice everyone needs to hear.

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      Thank you, Jessica. My email is sandyfeet (at) beautifulheritage (dot) com

      Reply  |  
  9. Bellla

    I’m so glad your stories still going.
    Thank you for sharing.
    God bless

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      Bella, you are welcome. Blessings back to you!

      Reply  |  
  10. Rachael

    This is exactly what I’ve been needing to read. Still struggling, but it doesn’t seem so impossible.

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      Dearest Rachael, hang in there. Your story is important. You are loved.

      Reply  |  
  11. Anayah

    Hi Jennifer, your story is of bravery and belief. It is a reminder to us all that there’s light at the end of every tunnel. Thank you for sharing and thank you for staying brave and daring.

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      Anayah, thank you for the kind words. They bless me.

      Reply  |  
  12. Diane M

    This hit home for me too. I’m just tired. Tired of my depression. Tired of feeling like everything is a struggle. Day after day I wish I was no longer here. You are blessed to have people that care so much. The people around me seem to like me a lot better when I play at being happy. My husband tells me often that he is tired of dealing with my depression…and that it’s affecting our marriage. He’s lucky though….he can just walk away from it all. So I dump on my therapist, take meds, and hope I can continue on.

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      Diane, it is hard to feel the love at times. Sometimes it feels like All The Time. But you are loved. He universe needs your story. Hang tight, keep talking to that therapist, and never stop e piloting your options. Whatever keeps you keepin on! I pray you have someone in your life who loves you unconditionally. You deserve that!

      Reply  |  
  13. Pia C.

    Thank you so much for sharing this! Your message is so needed by so many! What a blessing your precious life was saved and you received the help to come alive anew. I am so grateful to have seen and read your post. Someone very close to me was blessed to hear this and shared it with me.

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      Thank you so much for the kindly words, Pia.

      Reply  |  
  14. stacie

    beautiful. and so glad you were saved.

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      Thank you, Stacie. I am humbled and grateful.

      Reply  |  
  15. Kim

    Thank you

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      You are more than welcome, Kim.

      Reply  |  
  16. Eddie Lopez

    Thank you Jennifer. I can relate to the darkness crushing you until you can’t breathe. And not wanting to die. It’s especially difficult when you reach out to people around you and the response is nothing. Or things like, if someone wants to go there is nothing anyone can do to stop them. With the Love of Creator I know I will get through this as I have before. When the dark fog clears I hope to put together my story with a message to those who are close to someone on the edge.

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      Eddie, please hang In There! You have a story that needs to be heard. Thank you for the kind words. They mean a lot to me. Never stop believing that there is a plan bigger than yourself. Hang tight. Morning is on its way.

      Reply  |  
  17. Shivangi singh

    Thank you. Just.. Thank you.

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      You are more than welcome, Shivangi.

      Reply  |  
  18. lisa binger

    wonderful ,iv been ther ,and i camr thru and today iam so happy years later ,,just dont give up

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      Absolutely, Lisa. Thank you.

      Reply  |  
  19. Alexa

    Dear Jennifer,
    Right now I feel so alone and that I can’t talk to my parents because i’m afraid they’ll think i’m being dramatic. Today I went to get some tests done and my mother said “It’ll only hurt as much as that” as she pointed to my scars. I’m so embarrassed about my scars and the way my mother said it. When we got home, my arm was hurting so I went to grab an ice pack and my mother said “You can cut yourself, but you can’t stand a small needle?” and It made me feel even worse. I feel like no one would miss me if I did go away or if i disappeared. You post helped a little but i feel all alone and that I have no one to talk to. I can’t exactly see a clear path for me ahead… I have no idea what to do anymore. I don’t want to die but maybe I feel like it would be better… I want the pain to stop as you said but my mother thinks I wanted attention.. I don’t know what to do anymore..

    Reply  |  
    1. Kate Hagel

      Hold tight, Alexa. Can you talk to a counselor at school? Someone to hook you up with a professional? You can slog through this. But, you are right. We can’t do it alone. Please talk to another adult or your doctor. Don’t give up thinking that there is no one who can help you. Sending you strength to reach out again. The world needs you.

      Reply  |  
    2. Jennifer Wilson

      Absolutely, what Kate said. Reach out to a caring adult, someone at school, or elsewhere, please. Don’t let the negative voices win. You deserve better.

      Reply  |  
  20. Monica

    Thank you.

    Reply  |  
    1. Jennifer Wilson

      You are more than welcome <3

      Reply  |  
  21. Broken

    This is extremely too real right now for me. Right now I’m not quite sure why I’m still fighting or holding on. Thank you for your honesty and transparency.

    Reply  |  
  22. Halley

    I feel that way everyday. I’m sacred to die, but I want it all to stop. Life, pain, everything,

    Reply  |  
  23. S Underhill

    That was eye opening. Such a good strong message. I sometimes feel that way. I never actually tried because deep down I don’t want to die. but I don’t feel I have anyone to come and save me in time like she did with her husband

    Reply  |  
  24. Camryn Zelazny

    Thank you. Thank you for giving my feeling words to match them. Thank you for staying alive, and letting the world accept you.

    Reply  |  
  25. Sil Glz

    Tengo miedo el dolor es inmenso y siento que la única salida es morir, me siento muy sola y no le puedo contar a nadie, le hago daño a los demás y ya no quiero estar así…

    Reply  |  
    1. Claire Biggs

      Thank you for your message. Please reach out to someone and ask for the help you need and deserve, Sil. You can get through this. You don’t have to be like this, to feel this way forever. You are not alone. There is help out there.

      We list resources here: https://twloha.com/find-help/local-resources/.

      If you can’t find your city or need more help, please email us at info@twloha.com. We’re rooting for you and your story, Sil. Please stay. Please keep fighting.

      Reply  |  
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