I’m the type of person who is never late. In fact, I show up 15 minutes early to being early. Early for work, early to dinner, early to dates. The feeling of running late has always given me a sense of horrible anxiety. Running late makes me feel as if time is chasing me, nipping at my reluctant heels.
But recently I’ve come to the realization that I’ve been running late for my entire life. I’m about 4 years late to apologizing for myself. I’m a decade late to explaining myself. And I’m a lifetime late to forgiving myself. I’ve been a lot of things in my 25 years of life. I’ve been light: a student, a worker, a nomad, a poet, a songwriter, a friend, a lover, a daughter, an aunt. And I’ve been dark: an addict, an insomniac, a recluse. I’ve been absorbed by darkness more times than I care to admit. I think what I fail to remember, though, is that I’m more often absorbed by light. I allowed the darkness that has so often consumed me to define my soul. I’ve forgiven others, I’ve allowed them to forgive me, but I’ve failed to do something that I don’t often think about: I’ve failed to forgive myself.
I was diagnosed 10 years ago. It seems so strange to think that I’ve been dealing with this illness for a decade. I think I’ve been fighting with myself since then too. I could never understand my own sadness. I would often say to myself, “You have no right to be sad.” I started to believe that, and then I started feeling guilty because I was feeling emotions that I couldn’t explain. I couldn’t explain my depression or my mania, so I felt at fault. I blamed myself for making my parents worry about me. I blamed myself for keeping my little brother awake when I couldn’t sleep at night. I blamed myself for struggling with bipolar disorder. I thought I was broken. I desperately longed to just be “normal” like my siblings. I held out hope for a future that didn’t require prescriptions and therapy.
I fought against my illness like a prizefighter, but in reality I was a rookie in the ring opposite an opponent who far outmatched me. I spent years going off of my medications then back on them. I repeated that cycle like a bad Ferris wheel: up and down, up and down. I went to more therapists than I can count on one hand, lying to each one along the way. I lied about when the sadness started. I lied about why I used the pills the way that I did. I lied to them out loud, over and over again. But what I didn’t realize back then was that I was also lying to myself, so much more than I had ever lied to anyone else. I had myself convinced that I could only be darkness; I believed I could only feel pain and sadness. So why fight it? Why let them help me?
About 4 years ago, something changed. I was 21. I was still an addict. I was lonely. I was sad. And perhaps, worst of all, I was empty. I had hollowed myself out of anything light in order to preserve my darkness. Perhaps I thought that allowing myself to be dark would keep me protected. Perhaps I thought it would protect the people I loved. But I woke up one morning and decided I didn’t want to be those things anymore. I deserved to not be those things anymore. I deserved to get better. I decided that day, in February of 2012, that I was done. I was done making excuses for my pain. I was done fighting myself. I was ready to stop fighting myself, and I was ready to start fighting my illness. Bipolar disorder versus Megan Littler: I was ready for that fight.
I took that opportunity, that energy, to make an appointment with a counselor, my first in years. I also made an appointment with my doctor to have my medications adjusted so I could start feeling real again. It’s been almost four years now, and I’m still sober. I’m stable, and I’m happy too. I saw the birth of my niece, who is the sunshine in my world. I met the love of my life. I came clean with myself. I looked in the mirror last week to say, “I’m here to apologize for all that I have put you through. I’m sorry I’m so late.”
If you’re reading this, I hope you remember that it is never too late to find your hope. It is never too late to find your light.
It is never too late.
Kayelless
Nothing, but love. Nothing, but love. Thank you for sharing and reminding us that it isn’t too late
Cem
❤❤ its seems like we have the same story. Thank you for this amazing words. Sometimes i feel like i cant tell the pain that i feel inside me. But the help comes always at the other second like your words now. It is comforting to know that im not alone. ❤?
Brittany Green
Thank you for this.
Kerrilee
Thank you! I needed to see this right now…
Stephen
Obfuscation ironically lead me to this nexus.The search for meaning for my self indulgence seemed like it would never end, that is until today.
Years of ignorance,misfortune and all and sundry of what made up the litany of excuses for my addictive ways,was finally given a name today , OCPD or (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.The waiting,the wanting,the praying,the hoping, for change finally made sense today . The “chance” to finally take fate by the forelock and say ” i won’t live like this anymore.!”, would take me a simple diagnosis and 25 long years of despair. So fill your cup with love and enjoy your sobriety for you are strong and inspirational . You managed to do in what has taken me your lifetiime to achieve.
Shelly
This is me. Up down, up down, on, off, on, off, lie, lie, lie…I loathe myself at the moment. Can’t understand from day to day if I’m thinking clearly or if my thoughts are distorted because of bi-polar…I have a Dr., being treated, but don’t feel I deserve to get better. This…hope…maybe one day for me.
Megan Littler
You will get there. Continue to hope. Continue to work. The light will always be there. The dawn will always come.
Krystal
This is so beautiful. I think I needed this. While I’m mostly a positive person, going through a tough divorce showed me the darkness that lie waiting for me too. That was strange for me, having something like that swallow me whole. And while I’ve gotten a lot better since then, I don’t know that I’ve ever actually forgiven myself. And maybe now I can start on that journey. Because I still have so far to go in forgiving myself and loving myself again.
Megan Littler
Forgiving yourself is the hardest part. The old cliche “you are your own toughest critic” is entirely true. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to heal.
Trista
You’re the most wonderful human on the face of this planet.
Your Mer loves you.
Rachel Christie
This means so much to me and I needed to read this at the exact moment I did. I thank you for you!
Megan Littler
I’m so glad you were able to read it when you needed it. Keep believing in hope.
Stephanie
I relate with this so much. I just hit my four year mark on March 20th! Very well written and congratulations on
Stephanie
I relate with this so much. I just hit my four year mark on March 20th! Very well written and congratulations on your four years!
Michelle Larson
Wow. Just… wow. So much of my story in this. Thank you for speaking out. And a huge thank you to TWLOHA. I am becoming your biggest fan. To hear so many of these stories and to find out I am far from being alone is utterly priceless. My sincerest thank you’s to you all.
Megan Littler
You are never alone. The mantra of “people need other people” is so true. Keep believing in light and love. Always remember to hope.
Leah B
This is the most beautiful post I’ve read on this website and I’ve been following TWLOHA’s blog for years. I cried at the end. Thank you, Megan.
Megan Littler
Thank you! I’m so appreciative. Continue to find light.
Dani
Thank you for this. I need to remember to have hope. It seems I’m barely hanging on. Barely getting by. I keep trying to do the right things and be good, but I fail and it’s tough. Thank you for sharing. I hope I am where you are in four years
Megan Littler
Keep fighting. Always choose to stay. Light will always find its way through darkness. Thank you for staying. Continue to hope. Peace will come.
RMT
Thank you. So beautifully written. I needed this right now.
Sandy
First, thank you for your words, for the amazing courage you show! And this comes from someone who usually keeps everything inside, knows how to hide behind jokes and smiles, gains power by making others feel happier, while feeling guilty when she finally breaks down to one friend. You are extraordinary in my eyes, for being able to acknowledge you have a problem, for being able to stand up against it and seeking a way out. God bless!
Chris
Thank you for sharing. I’ve struggled with addiction and depression for the past 10 years (I’m 22 now) and I’ve experienced similar things. But I have decided to finally stop blaming others and to take responsibility and to fight the battle I need to fight. I’m going into an interment program tomorrow to take that next step towards a place where I can be happy and be in light instead of darkness. Thank you again for sharing 🙂
Krissy
Thank you for your Story. I`m not yet sure whether I have a bipolar disorder or “only” a personal life crisis intertwined with severe Depression. Maybe I will find out at my appointments in September. To know that there are People like you who get to be stable and happy although they are bipolar (and also not one of those always winning and unfathomable strong humans) helps a lot.
Worthitcuse Inevertriedtohurtu
Hayley dawn abbott please read. Its never too late.