This post talks about self-injury, suicidal ideation, and a suicide attempt. Please use your discretion.
I’ve been depressed for most of my life. Like everyone, I have good days and bad. I’ve had moments of superficial happiness where I wasn’t truly happy. I’ve seen therapists and psychiatrists, mostly against my will. I’ve tried different meds but none worked. It made me think that how I was, was my fault. Medicating came with a stigma; that I needed to be changed, that I should be different. I felt as if medicating was ceding control of my body.
Sure I was sad but isn’t that all depression is?
“You’re just sad, stop being sad.”
“Everybody’s depressed.”
I realize now that I was only existing; surviving. I wasn’t participating in my own life. At that point, I had never self-injured, never tried to kill myself. I had suicidal ideations but I never intended to act on them.
But that’s the funny thing about the mind, isn’t it? Emotions are insidiously powerful.
I was a freshman in college, it was the age of AIM chatrooms when I began self-injuring. At first, I lied about it. It was “punishment” for my online boyfriend to stop hurting himself in another way. We were both hurting and used our hurt against each other. It was the most perfectly toxic relationship and we were only harming ourselves. It was more about that than anything. I didn’t particularly feel like I deserved it, but I did it anyway.
Self-injury is a way of feeling in control. As though it’s the only pain we can control. It’s the mind playing tricks on us. The real control is being strong enough not to give in to it.
The following summer, I slept all day and stayed up all night talking to him. I wore long sleeves in the sweltering heat to cover up my scars. I transferred schools so I could live at home. I thought it would solve my (our) problems; it didn’t. The distance was always the problem. In the spring of sophomore year, our relationship reached its breaking point. I kept saying I was going to do it but even I didn’t think I had the conviction to go through with it. It was one of those “fuck it” moments where you can’t think about it or you’ll talk yourself out of it. Don’t think, just do. In the middle of the night, I took a lot of pills and waited. I started vomiting. I’d poisoned my body. I don’t remember if I slept at all.
I had my dad take me to class the next day because my chest hurt. He was at home sick but drove me anyway. We were almost there when my mom called and told him what I did. It never occurred to me that they’d find out—or I was hoping they would find me lifeless first.
It was the consequence of failing, not the attempt itself, that made me not try again. I stayed in the ER all day. My dad sat by my bed the whole time. The guilt is still fresh, the shame still raw. I still think that I did this to them and not myself. The nurse put an IV in my left arm just in case they needed to sedate me later. It was raining outside, the perfect pathetic fallacy. I had to wait most of the day for an ambulance to transfer me to a psych hospital.
When they came, they asked me what they were saving me from. I said myself. In the ambulance, they asked me questions I didn’t understand as they took my blood pressure and pulse, both alarmingly high. But the EMT just threatened to sedate me if I didn’t cooperate and answer his questions. I felt more hopeless than ever. What happens to me now?
When I got to the psych hospital, I told my dad: “I’m not crazy!” It wasn’t even about that. I see that now. I was a hurting person who just gave up. A nurse sat down and talked to me and I told her things, that I was a writer. She gave me a notepad and wrote my name at the top. All I did for the next day was write. I could think clearly. I had plenty of time to think. The rational, logical part of me, the part of me that didn’t really want to die, was speaking. The psychiatrist could see that and I got to go home.
I went back to class the next day. I did my homework. To everyone else, it’s like I was never gone.
A suicide attempt and subsequent hospitalization aren’t exactly conversation starters. 18 years later, it’s just another thing that happened.
I didn’t immediately seek help after my suicide attempt. I didn’t try therapy again until 2012 when I found a really great therapist that I’ve been seeing for over ten years. I haven’t self-harmed since 2005. I’m on an anti-depressant that works and gave me my life back. I still think about it sometimes but I know it won’t solve anything. Get help, for as long as you need it.
I’ve experienced pain. I’ve inflicted pain on myself. Sometimes those emotions that I thought I buried too deep to dig out resurface and it’s scary. It’s scary to feel too deeply and too much. But emotion, including sadness, is part of being human. Being sad doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Sometimes I need to feel sad and I need to feel sad alone. It’s like a cleanse, a reset. And I have people who love me and I feel that too. But I don’t stay for them. I stay for me. I don’t give up anymore; I give in. To what I’m feeling and I let myself feel it.
There is always healing to do. But you have to make space for it. It’s not linear and recovery sometimes means relapsing. You didn’t fail at living. You aren’t simply existing or surviving. You’re still trying. It doesn’t mean you’re broken and need to be fixed. It’s all right to forgive yourself more than once.
You’re still here; keep going.
Whatever you are facing, there is always hope. And we will hold on to hope until you’re able to grasp it yourself. If you’re thinking about suicide, we encourage you to use TWLOHA’s FIND HELP Tool to locate professional help and to read more stories like this one here. If you reside outside of the US, please browse our growing International Resources database. You can also text TWLOHA to 741741 to be connected for free, 24/7 to a trained Crisis Text Line counselor.
Teresa
Loved your writing Robin. So proud of you and your desire to help others through this platform.
Sherry
Reminds me of a story I wrote in jr.high. I wrote as if I was dead and watching how everyone reacted to my death. That story made me see outside myself. I was hurting and finally got help because I saw that only the Lord had the ability to take my life.
Karen
Thank you.so frank and honest. You’re so right in saying sometimes you have to be sad to reset. And that I’m not existing but ‘still trying’. It’s hard though.
Amy
Thank you so much for sharing this! The recovery sometimes means relapsing helps to hear and makes me feel less of a failure at this ❤️
Jon
“I want to feel things and not let them destroy me.”
There is always healing to do. But you have to make space for it. It’s not linear and recovery sometimes means relapsing. You didn’t fail at living. You aren’t simply existing or surviving. You’re still trying. It doesn’t mean you’re broken and need to be fixed. It’s all right to forgive yourself more than once.
These sentences really resonate with me. The problem is that I allowed a lack of boundaries to destroy me. Also, I did fail at living. I am too tired of the pain I feel. I am mad, depressed, and hurt that I hurt others that loved, and cared for me, ones I truly cared about. I am tired of the emptiness inside me. No one can feel the pain. Though I understand better my own childhood trauma and ACEs it does not erase what I allowed to happen, it does not matter that my emotions played a role, thar I didn’t know how to properly handle my emotions, none of that can change the damage. I am going to do the best I can to own up to it. Then I will die.
I have been just surviving for most of my life. People dangle carrots infront of me to keep me moving forward. But if you do this with an animal eventually the animal gets frustrated and irritated. They might just give up on the carrot, or they might become angry and annoyed and lash out.
I have plans it’s the best I can do to own up to what I am responsible for. Then end my own suffering.
TWLOHA
Jon,
We are so sorry for the pain you have felt and continue to feel. We understand your emotions and outlook, but we do hope to remind you that you aren’t alone in this and there is always, somehow hope. Please know that you can reach out to our team by emailing [email protected], and you can also text TWLOHA to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor for free, 24/7.
Thank you for finding the courage to share. Thank you for finding the energy to stay, even if it means existing moment to moment. We are glad you are here. We are grateful for your vulnerability and honesty.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Courtney
Very inspiring and interesting stories.. I myself suffer with my own depression that I have been battling for 21 years. Thanks for sharing. 🤍
Ashum Smashum
This is my story. Except, I failed many more times. I also learned that all the different medications were crippling me more. At 41, I’m finally off medications, that I’ve learned were never created to stay on longterm and that’s why they’d stop working and I’d be worse. Honestly, I’ve never felt alive except for fleeting moments with others that you wish never ended but I became a mother to an incredible son, so I push on. I might not “enjoy” life but I play the part for my son. I couldn’t have been given a better reason to stay.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Wren
For the longest time I have been saying I just don’t want to be here. The thing that stops me is the fact that I want to go to heaven and be with my Mom. The family that hasn’t abandoned me since her death. I have lost 8 in 2021 and 2 in 2022. 10 people I have loved. Only my mother lived a full life. I am not even cared about in the least, by the man who has done me so wrong for almost two yrs. It’s toxic to say the least. I see humanity just going to hell in a hand basket. Sometimes I just want off the ride.
TWLOHA
Wren,
You have experienced so many heavy things and we are truly sorry for the pain you’ve endured. Thank you for being honest and for sharing what you have gone through and are going through. Your courage is something to be proud of. We hope you know that you don’t have to go through this all alone though. You can always email our team at [email protected] for a safe space to share, and to connect to professional help, we invite you to use our FIND HELP Tool at twloha.com/find-help to locate affordable resources near you.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Sam Naumowicz
I know we haven’t talked in more than 20 years, but I want to apologize if any of my ridiculous behavior back in high school may have added fuel to the fire in your situation. I’ve been through alot and fought with many of the same feelings myself. I’m glad to see you’re doing well and if it means anything I still have that Jimmy Eat World cd from my birthday buried somewhere at my moms house.
Swenja
Hello dear Robin,
I am currently writing my bachelor’s thesis in visual communications and have decided to bring more attention to the topic of self-harm.
During my research, I came across your blog post on TWLOHA and I would like to incorporate part of it into my bachelor’s thesis – of course, only with your permission.
If you are willing to support me with this, just reach out to me via e-mail ([email protected]) and I’ll provide you with some more detailed information.
Thanks in advance