Learning to Call My Body Home

By Becky CurlJanuary 5, 2021

16 years. That is how long I have been at war with my own body. I have never felt at home here, and my body is far from a temple, but I am trying. I am trying to look at my body and notice all of the things that it does for me, rather than condemn it for all of the ways it is perceived as wrong. I am trying to look in the mirror without wanting to shatter it.

For almost half of my life, I have been trying to fight this body, my body. I am my own worst enemy when I should be my first love. At just 12 years old, I decided that how I looked was wrong and that I would do anything I needed in order to make it right. It started out with simple dieting, which led to simple weight loss. But no matter how much I lost, it was never good enough to quell the storms inside of my head.

So, I restricted and restricted and restricted, I did my best to starve the pain away. I did my best to starve myself so small that there was no possible way for any pain to find solace there. And yet, the pain kept growing, while I myself just kept shrinking.

It is funny how the very people who encouraged you to lose weight and change yourself in the first place become the first people to look upon you with disgust once you have gone too far. The people who encouraged my pain also gawked at it, proving to me that nothing I did would ever be good enough.

All I ever wanted was to be enough.

I went from overweight to “normal” weight, to far too thin, far too quickly. No one wanted me before I lost weight, and no one wanted me once I had lost it. That realization catapulted me even further into my own suffering, as I struggled to grasp ahold of what it would take to make the world like me.

A little too thin. A little too bony. A little too flat-chested. I was always just a little too much, even when there wasn’t much there for me to even be. 

Where is this middle ground, this happy medium? Does such a thing even exist? Or will we always be too much or too little for someone out there? And if we are, does it matter?

I want to find the place where I feel at home. I want to find the place where the weight of my body does not define the beauty of my soul. I want to find the place where I am wanted, no matter how much of me there might be to want. I want to blossom and bloom instead of withering myself away to fit into someone else’s idea of beauty. Beauty should never have a set of standards because beauty was never meant to be a linear concept. Beauty is just as complex as the beings who embody it.

If you are beautiful, then that means I am, too. And if I am beautiful, then so are you. If people were all meant to look the same, then we would. Your uniqueness was no accident, no fatal flaw. Your uniqueness is your beauty, your soul, everything that makes you, you. No one should ever try to fit you into a mold you were never meant to be in. Let your beauty spill over the edges and overflow—let yourself be all that you are.

16 years, and I think I am finally starting to see the life on the other side of my pain. I think I am finally starting to realize that I never needed to shrink myself to fit in. No, the world just needs to open its arms wider so that all of us can feel at home here.

You are more than a number on a scale or a measuring tape. You are human. Messy and whole, capable of so many good things, regardless of your body’s shape. We encourage you to use TWLOHA’s FIND HELP Tool to locate professional help and to read more stories like this one here. If you reside outside of the US, please browse our growing International Resources database. You can also text TWLOHA to 741741 to be connected for free, 24/7 to a trained Crisis Text Line counselor. If it’s encouragement or a listening ear that you need, email our team at info@twloha.com.

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Comments (8)

  1. Sonja Fowler

    49 years. I’ve been unhappy with the size of my body for 49 years. What a waste.

    Reply  |  
    1. TWLOHA


      More than anything we hope you are able to find peace when it comes to your mental health and body. You deserve that. We hope you can also find a way to view these last 49 years not as a waste, but as a piece to the puzzle or a part of your journey.

      With Hope,

      Reply  |  
  2. Will blaq

    You are and always will be beautiful regardless of how society and people we know expect us to be.

    Reply  |  
  3. Catharine

    Thank you for sharing!

    Reply  |  
  4. Meline

    To think that I demanded that my stomach be flat, and ashamed if it wasn’t.
    Even though I had given birth to five children. Even though I am 60+ years old. I apologize to myself for unrealistic expectations.

    Reply  |  
  5. Anon Tonight

    I lost weight as a way of slow suicide in the late 90s. Then did it again starting in 2012. I was back to an ok size but kept eating. Joined the rest of the world with extra last spring, being so lonely and sad. Now I’m upset that I don’t stop like I was able to before. I’m older too… 4 pregnancies, 5 babies, 2 to raise. They are moved out and far away now. How I wish I would have fought for more. 😭

    Reply  |  
  6. Cindy

    How I long to see myself and my soul as beautiful. I look at myself with disgust as the weight keeps steady (or rises). How I wish to be think again. Then again when I was I still wasn’t happy with myself or my body. I want to heal and see myself differently yet here I am 39 yo. In therapy for many years and still can’t get myself there. It feels hopeless at times. I loved this article. I did. I do. I just wish I could find that little bit of hope somewhere deep down that “I can be good. I will be good. “. Hope is the only thing I can hold onto right now. Even if it’s barely by a thread.

    Reply  |  
    1. TWLOHA

      We are so glad you’re holding on to hope, Cindy. You deserve it, even if it’s a thread. You also deserve to feel good in your body, to feel at home in it. We hope that you will reach out for help to get to that place. You can always search for accessible and affordable local resources here: twloha.com/find-help.

      You are not alone in this.

      With Hope,

      Reply  |  
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