Paper Thin

By April Hill WritingApril 14, 2020

“Don’t wear that.” 

“Nobody wants you here.”

“No one finds you funny.” 

Negative words hurt. They suck. There is nothing that stops you from wanting to wake up and go to school or work more than the thought of being greeted by negative words. They hurt even more so when they are being said by your own brain. And one of the worst experiences in the entire world is having to tell your own brain to “shut the hell up.”

The thoughts in my head are taunting me, making me not want to be around me. I am sick and tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I make up excuses to not have to go out into the real world because it might break me. I stay home “sick,” constantly letting my loved ones and friends down. “Unreliable,” my brain says, giving me more names to call out.

I used to be adventurous. Not anymore. 

I was funny once. No I wasn’t. 

Was I?

After years of not wanting to live with myself, I started to notice a growing scene of these types of feelings, of these “types” of people. People looking for answers not found in books or even on the internet; unable to google, “How can I be happy,” without a bunch of silly lists popping up that all say the same thing. Do what you were doing when you were last happy. I don’t remember what I was doing or when I was last happy. Smiling is contagious… and so are these thoughts.

I don’t have an answer as to what happiness is or how to create it. I don’t know if there is one. I am still not sure I remember what being happy even looks or feels like.

But I do have an answer to something for you though. This would be a pretty grim story if I didn’t provide you with at least a glimmer of hope, right? Really, all we have is hope. So, here it is:

I wrote. I wrote and I wrote and I got the words and thoughts out of my head.

Then I shared it. I showed people and they liked what they saw, they felt it too. They added to it and they told me how they felt; the same way or different. We talked about pain and the thoughts we were having but didn’t want to have. We talked about things that people in my “real” life were not talking about. We opened up a dialogue and took the power away from the things that haunted our heads. We thought of ways to escape the dark thoughts together. We wrote together and read together and we felt less alone. We felt stronger.

I guess what I want to tell you is to do whatever you can to get the thoughts out of your head. Write your pain and tell someone—even if it’s your future self or the dust on your shelf. Take the power away from the negative thoughts by releasing them on to paper—because that’s the thing about paper: it’s paper-thin, but it can hold the weight of the pain in your head.

You can follow the author on Instagram here or check out their website for more writing and doodles!

Leave a Reply

Comments (17)

  1. Hermione

    Thank you, I really like that and I guess it’s something I need to understand too

    Also, maybe I’m being stupid, but was that a Set It Off reference? (“I am sick and tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.”)

    Reply  |  
  2. Megan

    Great idea, thank you.

    Reply  |  
  3. Jason Martens

    Negative thoughts don’t help..

    Reply  |  
  4. Bethany

    Thank you for putting into words the way I feel much more coherently than I ever could

    Reply  |  
  5. Sarah

    This is awesome. I agree. After years of trauma, writing and releasing what I held onto is freeing. Getting rid of the negativity and lies and growing into who I am made to be… free

    Reply  |  
  6. Anam

    Amazing ❤️

    Reply  |  
  7. Vedansh Chauhan

    Ah yes… people around can get REALLY cruel and would try to let others down. Self love and appreciation is what we all need to know ourselves better.

    Reply  |  
  8. Ann Bimberg

    I struggle with nice thoughts about myself. Was making some progress,but feel like I’ve backslid since the stay-at-home junk.

    Reply  |  
    1. TWLOHA

      Hey Ann,

      We’re sorry to hear that you feel as though your progress has slowed. It’s amazing that you’ve made progress in general and are finding ways to be kind to yourself. You deserve to be met with nice, good thoughts, and we hope you know that we are rooting for you. Keep at it and try to show yourself grace.

      With Hope,

      Reply  |  
  9. Jenna

    Thank you for this! Negative affirmations are horrible little beasts. And sometimes it’s easy to forget that we can break those habits by saying nice things to ourselves. Thank you for the reminder. I will practice this more ♥️

    Reply  |  
  10. Dreamwrites

    That was so beautiful!! In fact I’ve felt the same too that’s why I started writing on Wattpad.. It takes my mind off from such negative thoughts ❤

    Reply  |  
  11. Mahi

    Thank you for sharing this with the world. Little do you know that , this really impacts people’s lives , to know that they’re not alone in this big bad world and even in that they can find their own space where they feel safe and where the belong .

    Reply  |  
  12. Mehreen amin

    I just want to say that most of people in this world is not happy or is unable to be happy because they have lost the definition somewhere in the pridictions and expectations of others

    Reply  |  
  13. Linda Morin

    Bonjour, y as t’il qqu’un qui peux me répondre en Francais ?

    Reply  |  
  14. Esha

    I’m not short of words usually, I think but when I read this it felt so supportive and I can’t say enough of how much better it made me feel. Thank you really.

    Reply  |  
  15. Katie

    One of my group therapists always used to say for every 1 negative thought you say to yourself, say 2 positive thoughts to combat them with. This has been a practice I’ve been trying everyday & it’s helpful when you’re stuck in that negative space. Just thought I’d share! Thanks for sharing your story, You Matter So Much!!!

    Reply  |  
  16. Emily

    Thank you. This is quite relatable, the thpughts swirlimg around, so loud. I wonder, does everyone have thoughts yelling at them like this?
    I used to write. It was my friend. But i havent for a long while, since starting recovery. I just cant seem tk find my boice writing now that im more recovered. Perfectionism gets in the way of me even trying to write. Im not sure how to find my voice in this spot of my life…
    But thank you for your words.

    Reply  |  
Get Email Updates

Sign up for our newsletter to hear updates from our team and how you can help share the message of hope and help.