Lying between the sheets in a psychiatric hospital, I was forced to ask myself this question:
Why should I keep living?
I could play my cards right and be out of here by tomorrow morning where I would once again, without a doubt, try to end my life. Except this time, there would be no mistakes.
In between the seemingly endless hours of hazy, medicated fog and brief moments of clarity, I would ask myself the same question:
Why should I keep living?
For many months following my stay, I failed to find a satisfactory answer. Nothing fulfilled or replaced the longing to just fall asleep and not wake up again. Nothing.
No amount of laughter soothed me.
No offering of beautiful, encouraging words could take the place of the ones consistently repeating themselves in my head: I want to die, I want to die, I want to die.
I recoiled from the gentle pats and soft touches because I didn’t want people to waste their energy on me. I thought there was no point.
Any attempt my friends and family made to give me any portion of hope was met with rigid stubbornness; I didn’t want them to talk me out of my ultimate plan. I didn’t want to give them yet another reason to see me as the burden I thought I was.
I was determined to let them reach the inevitable conclusion: I wasn’t worth their time.
Maybe you’ve felt the sense of hopelessness that I’ve described.
Maybe you’ve felt more lost than even words can explain.
Maybe it’s difficult for you to understand what this type of pain feels like.
But no matter what your experience is, please open up your ears, your mind, and maybe even your heart to hear me out for one small moment:
There are reasons for you to keep living, even when you can’t find them.
Trust me, I know. I know this sounds repetitive; it sounds typical. You’ve heard it before. But hear me out, please:
There are reasons for you to keep living, even when you can’t find them.
I have searched and searched for every reason to NOT believe those words. I’ve scrolled through article after article, blog post after blog post, fooling myself into thinking I was searching for hope, when in reality I was just looking for more excuses to believe those words didn’t apply to me. I wanted confirmation that my sadness was too unreachable, my numbness too untouchable, to be moved by mere words.
But one last time, I’m telling you:
There are reasons for you to keep living, even when you can’t find them.
Maybe you don’t see what purpose or use you could possibly have on this planet, but don’t you dare believe that just because you can’t see your purpose that it doesn’t exist. Don’t believe the lie that tells you that, because you can’t see it, no one else can either. Your life has meaning. You were not placed here on accident.
Maybe you’ve never been told that before. Maybe you’ve been told that you could die at any moment, and the world would know no difference. Please let me be the one to tell you how untrue that is. The breath that is inhaled and exhaled through your lungs has value. The words that come out of your mouth are important and heard, even when you don’t think they are.
In all those moments of searching for an answer to the question of why I should keep living, I realized something, something I still have to remind myself of from time to time. In the deepest pits of my illness, I couldn’t provide an answer to that question on my own. I believed too many lies about myself, and I was lost in my own mind. But even in my darkest times, I couldn’t completely reject the idea that maybe the reason that I was still breathing, that I was still alive, was because there was a purpose hidden inside me that was far beyond myself; maybe there was a meaning to my life that I was missing out on.
I realize now that this was the one lingering thought that pushed me to keep living. And as the sun is slowly bringing light into my darkness, as my night gradually turns to morning, the reasons to not keep living are slowly being outnumbered by the ones to stay alive:
My niece’s laugh and the way she says my name.
The way my mom hugs me when she hasn’t seen me for months.
My Grammy’s phone calls.
The breeze that brushes my hair across my face when it’s warm and humid outside.
Christmas trees and big fluffy snowflakes.
Hearing my Papa sing his favorite old hymns.
The peace that rests over me on Sunday mornings.
The people whose lives I hope to impact someday.
The list of reasons continues to grow every day.
So today, no matter how little you think you’ve come in recovery, no matter how many mistakes you’ve made, please know that you would be doing a disservice to this world by taking yourself away from it. Allow yourself the luxury of time.
And believe me when I tell you that there are many, many reasons for you to keep living, even when you find it impossible to find one yourself.
Jesús Paredes
I’m so glad that you found reasons to keep you going!
I hope and pray that your words reach those who are in the same place you once found yourself.
I hope and pray that you be a huge blessing to anyone who feels the same or worse. May your story inspire them to find that light that will lead them out of the darkness they find themselves in.
G-d bless you!
Marcie
Thank you for this. I’ve truly been struggling for the past couple of weeks of why to keep living. I really needed this.
Tara Roberts
Beautiful words from a beautiful soul.
I think you just saved me life today.
Thank you.
Mehgan
I’m bawling so hard right now because I needed to hear this so badly – didn’t even realize how badly. Thank you for helping me.
rachel graham
Such a hard struggle to get through. But these are good words! I would like to add, me mum’s tea Kettle whistling to a boil to make a cuppa. Dad humming along to Pink Floyd while doing the crossword and waiting for his tea and toast.
Claire
It’s always comforting to read something like this when the world seems dark. I thank you for your thoughts.
Leslie
Thanks. Hard to believe, yet believeable becAuse I can tell you get it. Thanks for posting.
Lauren
Thank you. I needed this.
Rebecca
i want to grow past this girl, who is still nearly as clueless as to why she’s still trying as I was when i was “celebrating” my birthday in the psychiatric hospital after a suicide attempt… but I am so lost… this is so very similar to hope to me… ?
TWLOHA
Hi Rebecca. We know that it is difficult to make sense of things when you are feeling depressed or struggling through life. We are incredibly proud of you for continuing to fight. Please know that you are not alone in this fight. Ever. We are here. We see you. And we hope you keep living. You can always reach out to us at [email protected] or text “TWLOHA” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 at anytime to be connected with a trained counselor. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. We hope that you will stay.
Emma
Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for this. Beautifully written & reaching out to people who need that honesty and help.
Becky Ison
My family
Dana
Written so nicely and so inspirationally hope u are doing well you write beautifully that is one of your many gifts
aisyah
thank you, this is exactly what I need to hear.
apple
thank you, this is exactly what I need to hear
Delaney
Ugh, I was reading with interest until the roll call of Family and Friends who Love Her started. If I wasn’t alone I’d also find it easier to see reasons to live. My words can’t “be heard” when no one is listening.
TWLOHA
Delaney, you are not alone. No matter how many people you think you have in your corner, you are not alone. We see you. We hear you. And you are incredibly brave for commenting and sharing how you are feeling. We at TWLOHA are always available to listen when you need to talk. You can email us at [email protected] whenever you feel the need to get something, anything off your chest.
Abby
This post brings me so much peace. Thank you for your words and thoughts. It is beautiful and truly inspiring.
Eamon Wheatland
I appreciate you saying this, but I know that there are reasons to live, I just can’t be fucked with the majority
I don’t care that I might do some amazing shit, I don’t really want to deal with the repercussions of being alive
I have mild autism and can’t shake the feeling that because of that and the way my cynical, facts only mind thinks, that I will stop being a weight on everyone when I’m gone.
I’m sorry if this is a departure from your normal comments, but if you read this, thanks anyway
Becky Ebert
Hi Eamon,
Please know that a weight will not lift and relief will not flood those you love through your absence. You are loved. You are needed. And you are wanted — even if you don’t agree or believe those sentiments to be truthful.
No need to apologize for your comments, we are glad that you reached out. We want you to know that you are not alone in how you are feeling or experiencing life. We encourage you to email us at [email protected], and to share more of your story.
And if you are ever in need of immediate assistance, you can text TWLOHA to 741741 via Crisis Text Line to be connected to a trained counselor. There is help out there. Please seek it.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Hayley Ault
Kelly,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is unbelievable how much this impacted me. You are a true blessing and I am so happy you came out of that dark place. The world is a bit better now because you’re in it. Stay strong,
-Hayley A.
Me
All the crap I hear on here is the same shit. And not one real answer. When you get old broke and can’t work and no one wants to help you with your needs and this fucked up government keeps finding way to keep and take your money and don’t care to help a person because it don’t benefit them is bull shit . way are all insignificant to the government as we are to a employer we are all replaceable. We are just a fucking number to them. Talking don’t fix anything. So just what the fuck is life truly worth ???
Becky Ebert
We’re sorry to hear of your struggles and how you’re feeling about life in general. While we do believe in being open and talking about our emotions in the hopes creating an honest community and fighting the stigma surrounding mental health, we also believe in seeking professional help. If you feel you are in need of professional aid, we suggest starting with our Find Help page: https://twloha.com/find-help/local-resources/ Our resources are local and free.
Although you don’t prefer talking, you are welcome to email us at [email protected] if you do wish to talk and share more of your story. Keeping our country’s current political climate in mind, we find it increasingly necessary to highlight mental health and the importance of speaking out about it.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Loupshen
Beautiful post. I can’t know my own purpose. I only hope that some good might come from me continuing to live, even when my depression tells me day after day that I don’t belong here. My best friend died by suicide, and I can appreciate now how she just wanted the pain to stop. The pain of feeling unwelcome, unable to find true self- expression, unable to enjoy any aspect of earthly living is excruciating. Especially to feel this way while having the support of a counsellor, family, and friends. I used to pride myself on my good health. Now I feel crippled and broken.
Becky Ebert
We hope that you will keep going. That you will continue reaching out for the help you undoubtedly deserve. You are more than the pain you are feeling, although it may feel as though it’s encompassing everything right now. Utilize the friends and family who want to be there for you in your struggles. And keep reminding yourself that you are not alone.
Please email us at [email protected] whenever you feel the need. We read and respond to every message as soon as we can. There are so many people who need and appreciate your existence. Your courage is inspiring. We’re glad you’re here.
Please stay.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Brandon
Thank you
Iman
I really find this insulting… I have been tired of living for the past decade. Maybe 10 years ago I would say I live to impact other people, or some day it will be better, but not anymore. Life is like a movie and if you have not enjoyed the first half, no one can blame you to want to walk out early. I am just waiting for my parents to pass away so I can give everything to my sister, and then finally be free
TWLOHA
We’re sorry to hear that you found this blog insulting. We do believe that there are reasons to keep going, to seek out help and finding healing, and to stay for better days. Your feelings and experiences are valid, but we hope that you will reach out if you are in need of encouragement or a listening ear. Our team would be honored to learn more about you and hopefully provide you with some support. We would like to help you find these reasons if you’ll let us.
Theresa
I disagree. I cant find a reason to keep living. I have no kids so why continue?
TWLOHA
Hi Theresa,
We want you to know that your worth is not determined by whether or not you have children. Yes, being a parent is an important role that many people take on, but you are loved and needed by those around you with or without children.
We hope that you will keep going, will continue seeking out things that make you feel fulfilled and alive. You deserve it. Please know you have an entire team in Florida rooting for you.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
tommy
thanks I will keep looking but as of now the future does not look real good
TWLOHA
Tommy,
We are glad that you are going to continue looking for your reasons to live. We certainly know of a few already — you are inspiring others to do the same, the people around you and the people here at TWLOHA need your presence, and the world is a better, more hopeful place with you in it.
Everyone at TWLOHA is rooting for you, Tommy. Thank you for sharing your vulnerable and honest moments with us. We are grateful to be here with you.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
no one
are you serious? i have no one. I am an only child. My mother will miss me, but my estate can take better care of her than I can alive. She will be better off. All the other things (nature, sunsets, etc.) don’t depend on me or anyone else. They will happen no matter who is her. And, I will no more experience their fulfillment. They are lost; their value does not exceed the cost of staying here to see them. If it profiles 100 “units” of joy, it costs 1 million units of anguish to get there. It is simply not worth it anymore.
TWLOHA
Hi Friend,
We are so sorry to hear you feel this way. We know that all of these thoughts can feel so real and true in the moment, but we believe that if you stick around, you will find what you were made for. You are more important than you know. You are more loved than you know. Your life has so much value even if you can’t see it. We hope you will think about the words of this blog one more time: “There are reasons for you to keep living, even when you can’t find them.” Don’t give up yet, friend. Don’t stop looking yet. There are so many things that you have yet to discover. Your favorite song, book, or movie. There are still jokes you haven’t heard. Trips you haven’t been on. We hope you stay for those. If you ever need to talk about what you are feeling or would like some additional resources, please email us at [email protected]. We are rooting for you. You are important to us.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
A
Thank you so much for this I’ve been trying to find a reason of reality and i can’t thank you enough.
No one
Thank you
Nannette
I simply need a friend… I am 77 years old, still full of life, active, but cannot find any meaning in my life. I was told (in writing) that no one in my neighborhood likes me, that I should leave.
Becky Ebert
Hi Nannette,
We are sorry that you are not finding support in your surrounding neighborhood. We believe that your life is important and you deserve to know how loved you are. If you would like to email us at [email protected] we would love to send you some encouragement!
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Amjad
I’ll be honest my life is nowhere near as bad as your situation. I have my health and i have my family but to be honest i am content: nothing good happening but also nothing bad as in tragedy. Look i wont attempt to compare to others who have worse situations but as a 20 year old who has never had a woman show any interest in him, who is fit and athletic in the gym a lot in very good shape, and has maybe 2 good friends who i hang out with maybe 1 time a week for less than an hour at the gym, its hard to find a reason life is amazing. It’s like this country song lyric where a man talks about how he doesnt know how heaven can be better than lying in bed with his girlfriend: ive never had a moment where i question how heaven can be better than this. Always see how heaven can be better than my life. I honestly see no reason to keep going and man i get it these things you mention are beautiful but i have nothing in my life to make me happy. I am not kidding here the best part of my week is either watching one of my favorite shows or sitting in the parking lot at Buffalo Wild Wings waiting for my order and just listening to one of my favorite bands Big Time Rush for 15 minutes….at least from their music i see how beautiful life CAN be when you actually have a relationship.
TWLOHA
Hello Amjad,
We are saddened to hear that it is difficult for you to find things in your life that you make you truly happy. We know how important romantic relationships can be to many people, but please know that a romantic relationship is not the only form of happiness that you can have. You deserve happiness in all aspects of your life. You deserve to see and enjoy the happiness that happens everyday. We would love for you to reach out to us at [email protected] so we can talk to you more about your situation and how you are feeling. We are here for you, and we would love to talk to you!
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Julie
I will live forever
samuel rowland
I didn’t want people to waste their energy on me.I didn’t want to give them yet another reason to see me as the burden I thought I was.I was determined to let them reach the inevitable conclusion: I wasn’t worth their time. I would once again, without a doubt, try to end my life. Except this time, there would be no mistakes.Nothing fulfilled or replaced the longing to just fall asleep and not wake up again. Nothing.
these words brought tears to me as i realized that i feel exactley the same and i need help i really do no matter how many times i deny it to my mother, i need help
TWLOHA
Samuel,
We are so proud of you for realizing your worth and that you do need and deserve help. That’s a huge thing to see and believe! Just as you may ask your mother for help, know that you can also reach out to us at [email protected] or use our FIND HELP Tool at twloha.com/find-help. There are people who want to offer you support and encouragement. You’re not a burden in any way. You’re not weak for struggling either.
We hope to hear from you soon.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Ros Bartleet
Thanks for the very wise words. I am lost in my life.
Won't Be Necessary
Doing the world a disservice? I would not happen to care about the world right now, do I? This is it.
Katie Scarlett
hi, thank you for writing this message to the world 🙂 It really helped me and I want to thank you, my favorite part was when you listed your favorite things like your grammys calls or your papa singing old hymns.
Thank you from my heart <3
Shirley Lewin
Thank you….I get it. I do not see it, but I know now why I keep living.
.
Anon
The only people that would even notice would be work,when I didn’t show up. Beyond that, I’m just a ghost. I’m already gone.
TWLOHA
Hi friend,
Please know that while that may feel true, we believe people would notice. You are needed here. You deserve to be here. Even if you can’t see it, there is hope. Would you email our team at [email protected] so we can learn more about you and offer some encouragement? It would be our honor.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Katie Scarlett
Hi Ms Kelly Stricklen and TWLOHA community 🙂
I want to thank you SO much for writing this post- it keeps saving me time after time lately. And I’m so glad. Sometimes life just feels so bleak but people like you who dig deep in the soil of their souls and find such words that you’ve written- save lives- even if it’s just me however I’m sure it’s more then just me 🙂
Thank youuuu! And bless your beautiful heart 🙏🏽🦋
This one is for real
I just made 2 shitposts, but this one’s gonna be for real. Like Iman said, this is insulting. I’m not sure what I want to say, or how I want to say it, so this’ll be formatted weird, but ignore that. Heading in to this, you should know that I am 14 at the time of writing this. Basically, I don’t want anything. By that I mean, I don’t want to live for anything. Children? Don’t want those. Job? What has the world done for me. Money? What, so I can buy a stupid car, an empty house, or a fucking videogame. Friends? People suck, and I don’t like the idea of associating with them. Pets? They’re literally just tamed animals. The point is, I don’t care for any of this, and thus don’t have anything to “shoot for”. Besides, that I don’t see myself wanting amy of that anyway. All this talk about “You should care how you look!” “You need to start looking into career paths!” “You need to work on this, because if you don’t, it’ll affect your future!” It’s annoying who clueless they are, and it’s unfair to me that I will get treated like I need serious help if I open up even a little bit (no one suspects a thing, and I haven’t opened up at all). I especially hate reading internet bullshit like, “You have people to live for.” “I promise you have a purpouse, you jsut can’t see it yet.” “I know it gets tough but you JUST have to keep going!” “You’ll look back on this and pity yourself.” “Find something you like.” “Explore your soul.” Fuck. Off. You know your just some random cuck with a keyboard trying to give your anecdotal advice to people who have spent ages tuning it out or using it to further cement their self-hatred. Like dude, come on. Don’t lie to us like that. Don’t lie to me like that. Sorry if this sounds weird and convoluted. I almost pity others for how much they think I will succeed In life. They don’t even know that I can count how much longer I’ll allow myself to live on my fingers. I refuse to waste years of my life in blind hope of an endgoal or peace that will never arrive. I know it won’t get better, and I don’t want it to. For that matter, it isn’t even bad. I don’t want anything out of life, and that’s how it is. I don’t even know if I’m sad, or if I’ve convinced myself I’m not. Basically, I’m already gone. And I don’t mean I’ll be gone when you read this, but that it’s already concrete. I will take myself out of the equation, no matter how long from now that is. I sure as hell am not gonna live to be in my 20s or even 30s, because I don’t want to deal with fake, bullshit lies that’ll make me pretend I wan’t to continue my own “life”. No. Honestly, I don’t even consider myself to be depressed. I’m just being real with myself. Why live if for nothing (Don’t answer that you morons)? Nothing is for me. On another topic, I am an atheist. The relevance of this is that I believe my afterlife will be: who knows? It could be nothing, it could be whatever I want, I just don’t believe it’s concrete, or that it’s any of the bullshit you’ve heard. However, if Christians are right, that sucks I guess. Guess I’ll just burn in hell for the rest of eternity because I don’t want anything out of my short life. Anyway. I have even half-tried to make myself cry, or get emotional at times, just to see if I was depressed. That’s obviously not the case. I’m not sure why I am still typing. To you it may be “heartbreaking” to read this (you know you don’t care, don’t lie, amd don’t pretend yoy do either), knowing that I am “so young”, sucks to be you. I don’t really care about any of this anyway, because it won’t make a difference. Yes, maybe life will be 10 times harder for my “family” when I’m gone. Sucks for them. I don’t care about my life, and I don’t want you to pretend you do for long enough to write a 2 paragraph message and forget. You know you wom’t remember this after 20 minutes. You probably won’t even read this far down. You won’t think of me after reading rhis, or what you can do to “help” me. You’ll just be some internet cuck who wrote a useless message in reply to this. And don’t give me a phone number to call or text. None of that bullshit. We both know it won’t work. Honestly, I doubt anyone will care to read this, let alone reply. If you do read this, go ahead and entertain us both with a reply. We both know It won’t change anything. On another topic, I don’t think I’ll leave a suicide note. If I do, it will probably just make it clear that I wasn’t depressed or mentally ill. If I was, It’d be blatantly clear, and I would have shown signs long ago. I don’t even know if this is serious. I’d like to say something dramatic like “I don’t know what’s happening to me” or “I feel like my world is falling apart and I’m losing my mind”, but this really just isn’t that big of a deal. Nothing is. Especially not me. Funny enough, I can already Imagine my bedrooms (divorced parents), years, or months, or even weeks from now. Just, blank. Packages of useless trinkets being moved out. A decade old toybox being scrapped. An unused console being sold. Clothes being given away. It’s kinda funny. Once I am gone, maybe some of my things will go to good places that actually need them. I’m not exactly sure what I am talking about anymore, since this is one way, and I am not getting any responses or feedbsck, I am trailing off. But you get the point. I don’t want to live, because nothing awaits me. Sooner or later, I am gojng to end myself, because there is no point dragging this out to an uneventful crawl. I don’t want a job, and I don’t want a romance. It’s not even that I am lonely. I have just never went for, or wanted anyone. Who knows, though. Maybe I have simply conviced myself I am not lonely. Maybe I convinced myself I am not depressed. Maybe I convinced myself no one values me. Maybe I need help. Maybe I need some positive words. Maybe I need a lifeline to call. Maybe I need therapy. But you know what? Too bad. The world hasn’t offered me anything I wan’t, so I won’t give it anything. It’s not like it’ll matter when I’m gone. None of that will. I don’t want it to. I don’t want to be missed. I don’t want people to cry over me. I am not worth that. I am not worth anything. I jave literally googled ways to give myself ego death, or to medically remove emotions or self-awareness, just so it can be clear how much of a waste of time I am. I am a lost cause. Life is not fair, and life is not worth living. You can’t ask someone if they want to be born. If they want to exist. It isn’t your or their choice. I was dealt these cards, so I’ll stop playing the game. I may sound crazy, but I am not even sweating right now. I am typing all of this completely calm, with a blank face. Part of the reason this is so long and hard to read is because I want to scare away those who think they care. It’s intentional. I want them to see that I am a llst cause, partly because I know there will be ome or two of you who read all the way down to here. I want to let you know that anyone can be like this. Anyone can have alreayd decided to end themselves, and you won’t know it. You won’t believe how well some people can hide it. My classmates, and teachers, and parents, and relatives, all of them, they still think of me as a smart kid with a bright future. They still think I love myself, that I love life. I don’t. I am ready to end this. It’s been getting slower and slower, harder and harder. I used to think I was worth something. I thought of myself highly. I thought I would grow up to be successful. Little did I, or anyone around me know, I won’t even grow up. I am glad I won’t be around to see them find out, as I can only imagine their reactions. My school will probably do some fake ceremony bullshit in “honor” of the collection of suicidal cells known as me. Then they’ll all forget in 3 weeks. Even my real friends. My parents will cry for a bit, then they’ll move on. My sister and brother will probably fele a bit empty, but they will also move on. Eventually, their children will hear the story of their uncle who didn’t even live to see them. I want my “impact” to be limited to thay, or less. I don’t deserve anyone’s attention, let alone to that degree. Don’t read this, and don’t bother responding. I am not worth it. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you; Some shitty, half-assed automated reply isn’t going to “save” my pitiful, uneventful “life”. My death will probably be out of nowhere to them, If anything. As I am writing this, I wonder if I will even make the local news. Who knows. Who cares. I guess I don’t. I haven’t for a long time. I’ve been ready to sleep and not wake up for a long time. I doubt I can even make it another year. Can you imagine? Me, some stupid 15 year old, who thinks to himself, “Wow, I remember this long ass comment I wrote on some stupid as message board. I guess I did make it another year. Still, sooner or later, the time will come”. That was weird to type. The point is that I don’t think I plan to even make it past this year, let alone to my birthday. What will everyone think when some random 9th grader they don’t even know about, or remember being in class with suddenly shows up on the news? I guess I won’t know. I don’t know why I am still rambling on. I guess I have nothing else to do. It’ll only get harder. I will only find less reasons to keep going. “Tomorrow is another day”. Not for me. These next few weeks will be hellish. I almost broke at school a few days ago. I don’t know how I will keep hiding how I feel. I guess I just haven’t gotten it over with yet. Maybe somr small part of me still wants to see what comes out of this. I know nothign will happen. I know it won’t get better. I know school and daily life will go on as normal. So I just can’t understand why I am still forcing myself to go on. I was actually thinking, really hard. I wanted to know If i could find a single genuine, non-bullshit reason to live. I couldn’t. I almost broke down twice scross the last week. I don’t know how I kept it together, but at times I thought I should just let it happen. Maybe it would be entertaining. Maybe I would finally get even a slim of attention, if I just let myself burst into tears in the middle of class. But no. I reassured myself that I am not crazy. I am not depressed. I don’t want anyone’s attention. I don’t even want to get better. I just want to stop existing. And that’s how I pushed through the days. The reason I would force myself to get up and get ready fro school in the mornings was so that my life could be over that much quicker. Maybe that small part of me is keeping myself alive so that I can see what happens if I do breakdown in school. Obviously my life won’t get better, but maybe I can entertain myself just a little bit longer? Maybe i will learn what it’s like to be locked up in a ward, or tied to a hospital bed. Because that’s surely the “right” thing to do to suicidal “maniacs”. I mean, come on. Who thought that it’s fair to force people to live? I don’t want to live, and I don’t like the idea of fucking up a suicide and being treated like that. I just want to end this. I need to. I hear myself thinking about it very often in school. “I want to die. I don’t want to exist. I need to kill myself.” Those words, echoing on and on and on, hundreds of times throughout the days. Class period through class period. Conversation through conversation. Day through night. I just want to sleep and not wake up. I even found myself googling how to self induce a coma on my school laptop in class, but had to stop before I raised a red flag. Maybe I am losing my mind. I don’t even know. Maybe I am too good at hiding how I feel. Maybe I shouldn’t have been bottling this up for years. Maybe I should just cry, and cry, and cry some more. Maybe I should just give everyone I know a big bear hug and cry into their shoulders as I let them know how I feel. But I can’t. This is so hard. I have to stay in character, I have to. I am too far gone. I have probably fucked my life up too much to recover. They say it gets better, but it really doesn’t. I haven’t allowed myself any support. Any freedom. Not a single breath of fresh air after my head’s been underwater for so long. I can’t go on, I just can’t. I don’t deserve this life, and anyone who says I do is lying. I can’t even telk the people who “care” about me most how I feel. I can’t let my friends know, ’cause then I am too weird. I can’t even go to my schook counselor, ’cause then I will end up in a questioning room. I can’t let any loved ones know, because they’ll either shrug it off as a minor breakdown, or I’ll get an unsatisfactory, non-helpful response, or I’ll be a dissappointment in their eyes, or I’ll be locked up in an insane asylum. It hurts, it really does. I can’t even cry for help. I can’t even cry. I can’t scream. I can’t let it all out. I can’t even hug them, because then they’ll know. If anyone reads this, please don’t try to help me. Pity me all you wan’t, but I have alresdy sealed my fate. Yes, I know, reddit masterminds, I have deteriorated while typing this. It’s just so difficult to type this. This informtation has stayed locked up in my head forever, swirling and circling around, constantly reminding myself that I want to die. I need to die. I can’t live like this. I can’t live. Maybe I should commit a crime or something so the police kill me so I don t have to. I just can’t do this anymore. Letting you know this doesn’t even lift the weight off my shoulders. Nothing can. I have to stay composed. I have to stay sane. I have to stay in character. I always have. No one csn know. Not my dad, my mom, my sister, my brother, my friends, my teachers, no one. I hate living like this. This is maddening. I can’t bear this. I have to end myself. I don’t know what to say. I can’t cope with this. I can’t. I don’t even have a shoulder to lay me head on. I can’t even cry. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to bawl my eyes out. I want to end this. I want to die. I don’t even know anymore. I don’t even know if this is real or if i am faking this to myself. What the hell is wrong with me? Should i delete this? How have i typed all this without even changing my face? No one is even reading this far. Why should I keep dumping my mind onto this comment? I need to stop. I need to compose myself. If i were to walk into my living room with tears strolling doen my face, i would have to make up some bullshit lie to tell my poor mom, which would only lead to an ocean of more and more lies, deteriorating me until my life was focused around sustaining them, more than I already am now. I have lied to them to much. I shouldn’t say I am fine. I shouldn’t lock myself in my room every day. I should let them know how I feel. I should save myself. I know I should. But i can’t. I won’t. I must not. I can’t unleash myself from these chains of madness. I can’t comprehend what i would do. Screamjng at the top of my lungs liek a madman, a wreckingball of emotion crashing into everything it touches. I have to keep my mouth shut. I have to keep faking this. I need to get it over with. They can’t find out. I can’t let that weight on their shoulders. I heard that as some people get depressed, they sleep as much as they can, because those dreams, and those periods of not being awake are comforting to them. I can’t imagine that. I don’t sleep much anymore. I can’t. I can’t let myself doze off, because if i do, i might wakr up to see i am surrounded by people trying to help me, because a sleeping person tends to let their subconcious out around them. Am i making this up? Is this even true? Why am i still typing? Is this theraputic? I should stop. I need to. I can’t fool myself into having hope. Hope isn’t real. Am i crazy? Am i some crazy 14 year old kid sinking his mind into some random fucking comment section? Am i evem going to press submit? Fuck. I have to go to homecoming tonight. I have to compose myself. I can’t let them know I am like this. I don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t know what is wrong with me. Why have i turned down help at every chance? Why am i so crazy as to not even let random people online love me and support me? Do i even deserve it? I don’t even understand what i am thinking right now. I just want to cry, and cry, and cry. Maybe my tears will release some pressure and let me calm down, so i don’t have meltdown later. Have i wasted hours typing this? Is this okay? Should I delete this? What if someone sees this and doxxes me and forces me to get help by calling the police on me? Why am i even saying that? What am i saying? I don’t know anymore. I don’t understand myself. I don’t know if i even want to. I just want to not exist. I xsn’t deal with this. It’s too much. I can’t even get help. Nothing can fix this. I can’t just magically find reasons to live. I can’t even give anyone else any love, not even my family. If i do, my armour might crack, and I might finally let them see what a mess I am. They say no one’s perfect, but I am just terrible. Why do i even fele like this? It’s not like i have had a bad upbringing. I just don’t understand. Why? Why am i still typing this? No one will read this far. Why should they? I don’t deserve that attention. I won’t even give myself that attention. I don’t know what to say. My logic is failing to support me here. I don’t know why i haven’t stopped typing yet. Maybe this is helping me. Maybe every second i am typing, i fon’t havr to focus on this hell. What is wrong with me. I need to stop typing. This is terrible. I don’t deserve to post this. This isn’t worthy of viewing. I’m not worthy of podting this. I don’t deserve to let people know what i am. Why should i? What can a group of people like you even do? What, you’re gonna scroll down like two pages, see that there is nothing of value here, and just put some generic “keep on trying to live” message here? No. Don’t help me. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. I hate tbis. I hate nyself. Don’t try to help me. I can’t stand this. I wan’t to stop. Stop reading this. I don’t want you to. I hate typing this. I hate this. Fuck this comment. Fuck what is wrong with me. Maybe i’ll just say “i should stop” another 50 times? What is wrong with me? Why am i still going? Why haven’t i stopped? Fuck this. I am done. I am gonna just hit submit. I can’t keep going. This isn’t right. If you see this, reply or whatever. I don’t care. It won’t help either of us. Fuck my life.
A friend
You may not see this reply because the email you listed might not be legitimate. But if you do, know that someone did read everything you wrote, and unfortunately (or fortunately), understood and could empathize with much of what you shared. While I do work for this organization and respond to comments, I want to respond to you as just another human noticing, recognizing, and sharing your experiences and perspective. Maybe saying “I get it” isn’t helpful and will come off as a less formal version of a platitude, but it is truthful.
I wish my response could be simple, some easy solution that would “fix” everything that is burdening you. And I know my sharing what has helped me find tiny bits of peace, not happiness or joy, but peace may be off-putting since this is far from a one-size-fits-all situation – however, it’s what I can share (in addition to compassion – that you have no requirement to accept).
There is a heaviness in this world, specifically within modern society, that is hard to ignore. Some “succeed” in ignoring it. They surround and concern themselves with things that may very well be surface-level, materialistic, and ego-based. Others are not able to patch holes or heal wounds through these potential bandaids/distractions. I consider myself to be one of the latter. (I’m not sure which person is better off, we’ll leave that up to perspective.) It could be a choice to see beyond society’s expectations and if it is, I’ve made my choice. And I, like you, am not suicidal. I am not depressed in a chemical sense. But that doesn’t mean I’m enjoying living at the present moment or that life isn’t hard. That would be a damn lie.
To be honest, and that’s all I’m aiming to do at this point, existing has been harder than ever as of late. I wish I could skip past days or chapters, but that wouldn’t really change anything, would it? The outside world won’t necessarily change. And continually believing or hoping that the future will come and all will be well doesn’t seem like the best option either. I can’t control much of anything. That’s something I’ve accepted or at least am trying to accept. Resistance is pretty silly. But with that acceptance has come some strange sense of peace and stability, knowing that all the stuff outside is going to happen, but the stuff inside can remain unaffected. To be specific, I’ve leaned into the wisdom of individuals like Ram Dass and Eckhart Tolle. Again, not a one-size-fits-all, but it’s an honest response. All the hoopla about meditation and presence and surrender is where I’m at. Maybe that hoopla will resonate with you too, I don’t know.
You do mention not wanting but considering asking for help. I do want to communicate that it is there and can be there – but that choice is yours. Right now, I’m nothing more than another human wanting to be authentic and trying to respect and acknowledge where you’re at. I can’t fix any of it. I don’t mean that in an apathetic or detached sense either. As a fellow being, I just want to convey my presence and understanding. You aren’t crazy. I feel like I’m going insane lately, too. You also aren’t too far gone.
Again, I don’t have an answer to offer you in a neat response. But I am here.
Err...
… I appreciate what you’re doing, but…
That was all hastily written during a moment of panic and ferallity (feral, I don’t know how to spell it) in which my mind had a battle with itself. Regardless, things haven’t gotten better, and I am past a point of listening to advice. I don’t know If I am trying to console myself or not. I don’t know if I want to be any better, because I believe my thoughts on my position in this world were a realization, rather than a cognitive mistake. I mean, I think I am at a point where I would rather roll the dice and find out “What Comes After” rather than slowly enduring the mental and physical agony that are ensured with my “humanity”. My realization that I have no place in the world leads me to believe that human conciousness as a whole is a ridiculous freak-accident of nature. Anyway; I don’t know if I want to be consoled or loved, and some small part of me thinks I am lying to myself about how I want to be treated “before I go”, but I don’t know what I want anyway, so that only leads to an increasingly painful fog of confusion. I am slightly worried that my feelings are a product of rational thought, and that others are destined to come to my same conclusions. I suppose I got unlucky enough to think about it enough at this young age. I still don’t want help, and I don’t think I deserve it. I don’t even know if I wan’t a relationship with anyone, as I have never wanted that, but I am unsure if it is because of what I think it is, which terrifies me, for I may have understood it for much longer than I thought. You see, I have always seen how badly people get messed up when they lose someone close, so I don’t want to do that to anyone, for I would not be able to forgive myself for the rest of this life or whatever comes next. I have never pursued romantics, but I don’t know if it’s because I already understood that, or if I am just now attributing it to that. I am glad about it, too, because I am willing to sacrifice whatever humanity I have left, so that I don’t end up causing a “romeo-juliet” esque situation. If I refuse to love or be loved by anyone, there are no hearts to break. As I said, it’s this revelation I am terrified of, because I don’t know if I’ve always known about it, and am just now extracting it from my subconcious. Anyway, enough about me; Why are you trying to ease my torment? What makes you think I deserve this? I don’t. And I surely don’t intend to fall victim to the poison that is hope. I am not deserving of even a moment of attention, so why would you waste your time on me like this? I am a mistake in the eyes of any sane person, so why do you try to make this any better for me? I don’t deserve to be alive, which is why I am baffled that you would try to justify my existance. Worthless is too much, for that is to give me a description at all. I am without worth or value. I simply can not understand why you would waste your precious time trying to fill an emotional void. I am disappointed in you for caring about whatever I am, for I do not deserve it. I am not human. I don’t deserve any of the love, affection, respect, or care that I see others practically batheing in. I do not think I even long for it anymore. Obviously no one loves me, not even myself, so there is no point day-dreaming of someone to save me, for I would not find them if I tried with all that is left of me to look. Isn’t that pathetic? I can’t even think about being cared for. I literally will not let myself imagine being loved, even for a moment, for that is too foreign of a concept. It is for the better, though. I am glad no one will even try to help me, for no one will miss me either. That’s probably my own fault for hiding myself too well, but I don’t deserve to heal. I won’t let my barriers down, for the only thing I would know if I were discovered is shame. As agonizing as it is mentally, I think it is even physically painful now. The ones who think they love me don’t even know what is going on, and I can’t even conceive of them trying to ease my suffering, for they have not even an idea of how clueless they are. It’s something akin to the thought of an injured child whose parents, the ones who love them most, are not even realizing they need to be comforted. It’s as if I am surrounded by warmth, yet I am shivering. I can’t quite describe it, but it leaves me in despair. I can’t even be around them, because it makes me so dreadful. It makes me go light-headed in their prescence, because I am sure I need them so bad, yet they seem so foreign. It’s like I am chained in place by something that isn’t there, and the key is directly in front of me. I am starving, but I don’t like food. I am drowning, but I can’t stand air. I am burning, but I despise being wet. Is this even making sense? Jeez, this would be so much better if I weren’t born. Maybe I should just starve myself of emotions, so that there will be nothing wrong with me, and I can serve the world just as I was born to. I might as well just become a blank canvas, designed only for someone else’s success, having no purpose for existing other than to put lunch money in a billionare’s pocket. That is the only way I could be considered worth being born in the world’s eyes. That is the only way I can even live. If I don’t, I will suffer in poverty. It’s not like I have to worry about that, though, because I won’t grow old enough for that to happen. Like I said, I am incredibly greatful of myself for the having the decency to always stifle my emotions, for if I recieved the care I “needed” and “deserved” (a relationship), I would be miles deep in guilt. You could say I am currently living simply so that others do not greive, but I can’t even fathom how much damage my sudden-abscence would do to a lover. I am greatful that I always ignored my emotions and needs, for if I allowed myself to be open to loving, I would end up makeing someone’s life so, so much worse. They say you you only pass the misery to someone else, and they are right. I am greatful I have always kept my close freinds to a minimum, for if I tried to love, even, I would pass on so much misery to those who “couldn’t read the sings”. I am greatful I have done all I can to make sure I am the only one who will suffer, for no one else deserves it. I am willing to starve my emotions to any end, so long as I make no one else go through this. I am already sad for my parents, but it’s theur fault I was born, and their fault I exist. I am glad I haven’t let anyone love me, because it would break their hearts to know how much I have failed them, and I am saddenned at the thought of them blameing themselves. This isn’t a cry for help. It isn’t a cry at all, for no one else should have to hear that. I don’t want to be associated with anyone, not even my parents, because I don’t want anyone to feel like they weren’t enough. I am not worth that. I don’t want to be a memory that affects a therapist for their lives, or a “silent cry for help” that eventually leads to the end of someone else’s life out of guilt. While it is a mistake that I exist, the best thing I can do for now, that I have always done, is to keep the amount of people who think they care for me to a minimum, because I hate the thought of my fate leading to collateral damage. I am gokng to remind you onw more time, I am not worthy of your, nor anyone else’s attention. I din’t even want to live on in anyone’s memory. I think this is getting long, so I am just going to hit submit now.
Rob
The luxury of time? I’ve felt this way for 30 years. There’s no time left.
TWLOHA
Time is something we’ve crafted. We think it’s either always ahead or has passed us by. But it’s not, it’s here. This doesn’t have to be a race. Please show yourself grace and offer yourself the space to try again and again.
maxwell
where are the reasons
TWLOHA
For the author, Kelly, their reasons include:
“My niece’s laugh and the way she says my name.
The way my mom hugs me when she hasn’t seen me for months.
My Grammy’s phone calls.
The breeze that brushes my hair across my face when it’s warm and humid outside.
Christmas trees and big fluffy snowflakes.
Hearing my Papa sing his favorite old hymns.
The peace that rests over me on Sunday mornings.
The people whose lives I hope to impact someday.”
We hope you can begin to gather reasons of your own. Does anything come to mind? As you think about this, you can always email us at [email protected] if you’d like some support or someone to listen. We’re here.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
justin
My brother died in 2004 when he was 32 years old. his mental health and drug addiction made him look much older. My sister died in 2021. she’d been clean for 2 years but as soon as she was off probation, she used again but this time it was fentanyl. Now Im an only children there youngest of the 3. My mother is about to die from organ failure and I’m sure a broken heart after losing 2 of her children. not sure what I have left after she’s gone.
TWLOHA
Justin,
The losses and heartache you have faced — we are beyond sorry for the pain and grief. Losing those close to us can be so debilitating. We cannot take away the grief that you have felt or are continuing to feel. We are, however, here to exist with you through it. Whether you want help finding support, need some encouragement, or simply desire a safe space to share, please reach out to our team at [email protected].
With Hope,
TWLOHA