To Write Love on Her Arms has always found its home in a sense of transition. We rarely all find ourselves in one place, and our address line tends to alternate between “To” and “Fro.” I’ve had a literal hand in moving this office three times. I’ve been able to share laughs with every intern that has served here. Four current staff members have called me “house mate” or “roomie,” and I’ve waved to goodbye to many others from a car’s rearview mirror. Like most homes, transition can be comforting and frustrating. It can be overly easy to compare your lot to those around you, and in those attempts to dissuade your envy you realize you’ve lost so much precious time and opportunity to rejoice.
I’m standing on the edge of such a transition as I prepare to say farewell to two of my best friends I’ve ever had the joy of working, sharing life, celebrating, and growing with. My friends will be vacating their desks, which will surely be filled with some new faces and energies. But this is not their goodbye blog … That can wait, and likely will be too personal to share. (Some things are better when kept to a restricted audience.) Rather, this coming and going takes me back to my first week in a house spent with 15 others on Barton Drive in Rockledge, FL. We sat with our then-director and bounced ideas off of one another with the intention of landing on some core values for our TWLOHA internship. The words that stuck were Courage, Community, and Confession.
Of these three, I feel like confession is the most often neglected value in my life. The irony that I am confessing a lack of confession is not lost on me. But even there, it seems easier to joke around the idea of honest vulnerability than to dance with it.
Since I can remember, my biggest inspiration and enemy has been my individuality. It has resulted in some immense joy when I have felt understood by those I love, but it carries with it the crowbar of envy, violently dislodging the beauty in things that aren’t mine. Seeking influence is what drives me on my less healthy days, and this tendency was brought to my attention over super-late-night waffles with my buddy Micah. We talked about change, and he spoke openly about the biggest lesson he’s learned this year: to silence the ego and thereby experience beauty in humbling yourself for the sake of others. His confession presented itself as a challenge to me. He spoke honestly, and that honesty expects a transparent response. I got to tell him in detail about how envy had stolen beautiful things from me, how my ego was envy’s best friend and accomplice to all its crimes. Waffle House is an awkward place to tear up, but it turns out is a great place to find fresh air.
We have been programmed through the years to avoid confession because it’s assumed punishment follows shortly after. This sucks, mostly because it represents how we’ve so greatly confused punishment and correction. Correction requires perspective, which craves wisdom and plows deeply for future growth. Correction gives us the freedom to reset and plan on how to love people better. And the truth is, for all the times I’ve stood proudly alone atop my accomplishments, I wish that I had more friends and family beside me or above me there.
Confession forces you to exhale rather than swallow the bitterness you’ve been holding. I am convinced that the only way to prevent the sun from setting on your anger is to trust that confession is the only thing that can welcome a new dawn. A new beginning. A fresh belief. A re-centered value on urgency and intentionality. A renewed hope.
Sharon
Beautiful reflection. I know you are not talking about Sacramental confession here, but I am Catholic and I have long thought that the practice of going to confession was one of the greatest wisdoms of the Catholic faith. You describe it so beautifully here. To “exhale” all that I may have done wrong and to start anew. Beautiful. If anybody is a fallen away Catholic out there – try it again.. Confession is waiting for you.
Jaylee
I was wondering how to tell a parent that your self-harming again but, see im always shutting down and then i self harm more and more. i honestly haven’t felt like this before. im scared im going to commit suicide…
Tee
Hi Jaylee, you are not alone. I never had the courage to tell my family or friends about self-harming and especially when I relapsed every so often. I did have this one friend who trusted very well and he was the person who I immediately went to when I started having negative thoughts. It doesn’t have to be a family member, just please find someone and talk to them. Talk. Tell him/her what’s going on in your head and if it’s too hard to explain, just ask for them to stay there with you until you feel comfortable again (even if this is on the phone). If you need help, please visit the TWLOHA Help page or reply and I will contact you as soon as possible. Hope is real. Help is real. Your story is important.
Jennifer
Two years ago i go bullied so bad i hated going to school i wished i could just stay home but then things at home took a turn for the worst and i felt i had no place to go. Every day i wish i didn’t have to go to school and at the end of the day i wished i didn’t have to go home. in class one day i wrote a suicide note and i thought i throw it away but my mom and dad found it. the bullying stop…..for a while then this one kid started back up. i felt it was my fault he was bullying me so i said nothing to anyone.
now im in 8th grade and i still feel like no one cares if i go to school tomorrow or if i just fall of the face of the earth and no one will notice. i struggle with this every day i hate talking because i dont want to get judged for how i think or what i wished happened sometimes. i need help and i know that but i’m scared to ask for it because i think i will be judged because i reach for help. i don’t know what tomorrow has in store for me but i hope it is something good and if not i don’t know what i’m going to do.
i dream about dying and what the world would be like without me. i wonder who really cares if i live or die. who cares if i never see tomorrow. because i feel i’m always being judged for being different and i hate that. i wish i could change it but i can’t.
this was, is, and always will be my story.
Claire Biggs
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you so much for commenting on this post and for sharing part of your story with us. We’re sorry to hear about the bullying you’ve experienced at school. No one deserves to be bullied, and it’s definitely not your fault if you’re experiencing that. We know you mentioned feeling like you’re tired of talking about this, but is there anyone at school – a friend, teacher, or counselor – that you could reach out to and speak to? It may not feel like it right now, but we know there are people who will care if you don’t go to school tomorrow.
Can you talk to your mom and dad or a friend about wanting help? If you need somewhere to point them, we have local resources and helplines on our Find Help page: https://twloha.com/find-help. It’s understandable to be nervous or scared about reaching out for help, but you deserve help if you want it. Jennifer, your story is so important, and we know there will be people who will listen and who will help you find help if you ask for it.
The world would not be better without your story. The world would not be better without you. We want you to stay alive, Jennifer. We care if you never see tomorrow, and we know we’re not the only ones.
If you are in crisis and need to talk to someone right now, please call 1.800.273.TALK (8255). Please reach out to someone you know for help, Jennifer. You were brave enough to write this comment, so we know you’re brave enough to ask for help.
If you ever want to reach out to us in the future, please know we answer every email we receive at [email protected]. We hope to hear that your story is still going, Jennifer. We’re thinking of you.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Alexsys
This comment could not be shared due to the nature of the message.
Claire Biggs
Thank you so much for sharing part of your story with us.
TWLOHA is not a 24-hour helpline, nor are we trained mental health professionals. TWLOHA hopes to serve as a bridge to help.
If this is an emergency or if you need immediate help, please call and talk to someone at 1-800-273-TALK or reach out to the LifeLine Crisis Chat at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx“. We also have a list of local resources and support groups on our FIND HELP page. Please know that we also respond to every email we receive at [email protected].
Fay
I’m sixteen years old and I have self harmed myself for a lot of time now.. I know I shouldn’t but do you know the feeling of getting addicted? It’s the same feeling.. In a way, it gives me a sense of relief that I know I am still alive and I can still feel.. I have tried ending my life twice now.. Both of them unsuccessful.. I am afraid that it could happen again..maybe this time I will succeed.. It scares me.. I don’t know what else to do.. Help me..
Claire Biggs
Hi Fay,
Thank you so much for commenting on this blog and for reaching out for help. It is so encouraging to know you’re willing to ask for the help you need.
Have you talked to anyone in your life (a friend, family member, community member, school counselor) about your self-harm? Is there anyone you feel you could go to and ask for support?
Fay, your story is so important. You are brave and strong enough to ask for help now, and that gives us so much hope for the future of your story. We’re so grateful that you are still here with us, and we hope you’re able to find the help you need.
If you are in crisis or need immediate help, please call 1.800.273.TALK (8255). I’m not sure if you’ve visited our Find Help page, but we have locals resources and helplines listed there: https://twloha.com/find-help.
We also have resources specifically related to self-harm. One is: http://sioutreach.org. The other is: http://www.selfinjury.bctr.cornell.edu.
We hope you find the help you need, Fay. We want you to keep living your story, and we know we’re not the only ones wishing that for you. Please know we answer every email we receive at [email protected]. We’d love to hear from you in the future if you want to reach out.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Adryon
I Dont really know where to start and i dont know why im typing this but my name is Adryon and ive been fighting with depression for almost 3 years now. I blame myself for almost everything and i can never get over the fact that i have no cause for my depression. No one has died in my family, ive never been bullied, nothing im just over emotional and i dont know. Im getting to a point where ill have to grow up soon and i just cant see myself having a future, the only thought of mine that pops up when i think of my future is me killing myself and i dont know how to get around that raging image stuck in my head. i was hospitalized once and i was fine after treatment for about a week and i just started getting worse and worse and hating myself so much more. At this point i dont know what to do, things just seem so hopeless, school work is like a fire burning under me and i cant keep up because my head is such a mess and i dont even bother with relationships because ive always seen myself as hopeless when it comes to love and theres so many things i could complain about but ill just leave it at that. i always feel like dying is the easiest way to stop everything and sometimes i think of the others it will affect but then i think it wont matter if im dead. i dont know who to talk to because i feel like no one can help and no one will understand my mind.im just tired
Claire Biggs
Thank you so much for sharing part of your story with us.
TWLOHA is not a 24-hour helpline, nor are we trained mental health professionals. TWLOHA hopes to serve as a bridge to help.
If this is an emergency or if you need immediate help, please call and talk to someone at 1-800-273-TALK or reach out to the LifeLine Crisis Chat at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx“. We also have a list of local resources and support groups on our FIND HELP page. Please know that we also respond to every email we receive at [email protected].