I was in my office boxing away some keepsakes when a letter fell onto the floor. As I opened it, I realized it was a goodbye letter I had written to my brother almost a decade ago right before I started my first semester of college. I had been suicidal and had written letters to everyone in my family to tell them goodbye. Those were not the first goodbye letters I had written nor were they the last. In 2018, I fought the same battle and wrote letters again. To date, the 2018 letters were my last.
After I finished reading the letter, I sat down on the edge of the bed. While clutching the letter close to my chest, I wept as every feeling that came to the surface demanded to be felt and held. My initial thought was that I was proud to still be alive. I was proud that I stayed despite the constant battle in my mind about whether to keep living or not. I remembered versions of my past selves in the blink of an eye and whispered softly, “We’re still here.”
I started to think about how the perception of those who struggle with suicidal thoughts and plans is difficult. We are perceived and believed to be weak, attention-seeking, unserious, and even selfish.
I have often pondered the thoughts of what it is like to be a person on the outside looking in on a person in crisis. From my own experience, I feel the need to express that I can’t see it. I don’t see someone who is weak and selfish. I don’t see someone who is attention-seeking.
I remember those days, weeks, and years that I fought an agony that most didn’t know about. What I remember most sometimes was standing for ages in front of a mirror. I would stare at myself in a way that begged for anything to help me make sense of it all. Every time I think about those versions of myself, I think about the constant state of pain I was in and how that pain looked on my body. I recall seeing it most in my eyes, but to strangers and even friends and family, my eyes were just blue. They only saw blue when I saw the whole story about being in pain to the point of wanting to leave and say goodbye.
When I see someone who is in a state of crisis that has them thinking about or acting on suicide, I see that girl from the mirror in them. I see the full story in their eyes beyond the color on the surface. I don’t see green, blue, or brown. I see pain, questions, loneliness, and an agony that is hard to put into words. I see stories. I see a person and their experience—instead of trying to pick out their ulterior motive. I choose connection over judgment and compassion over shame. I choose them instead of what I want to think about them. I choose to let presence matter.
I choose them because I wanted someone to choose me.
I choose them because I chose myself and committed to staying.
I choose them because I know some feelings and thoughts are liars.
I choose them because I know they are scared.
I choose them because I know what it’s like to be alone.
I choose them because I know what it’s like to turn on the light in a dark room.
I choose them because I believe in their future even when they do not.
I choose them because I can be a kind voice when theirs is not.
I choose them because I can sit with them in their pain.
I choose them because I have scars too.
I choose them because I know how hard it can be to reach out to someone for help.
I choose them because I may not have the right answers, but I have the right presence.
I choose them because I know what it’s like to write goodbye letters.
I choose them because I know what it’s like to believe there isn’t hope.
I choose them because I know what it’s like to live with the pain instead of leaving because of it.
I choose them because I know there is hope.
I choose them because I believe in the healing they deserve.
I choose them because I know the color of pain.
I choose them because we’ve already lost, ignored, and shamed too many.
I hope you choose them too.
Whether we are the ones struggling or the ones helping, I hope we know there is hope.
Whatever you are facing, there is always hope. And we will hold on to hope until you’re able to grasp it yourself. If you’re thinking about suicide, we encourage you to use TWLOHA’s FIND HELP Tool to locate professional help and to read more stories like this one here. If you reside outside of the US, please browse our growing International Resources database. You can also text TWLOHA to 741741 to be connected for free, 24/7 to a trained Crisis Text Line counselor.