i feel sad more than i feel happy.
i feel stuck more than i feel free.
i feel defeated more than i feel accomplished.
i feel i should have found love by now.
i think about it every single day.
i confuse girls with God.
Because it seems easier to know a girl than a God.
Seems easier to hand everything to a girl.
And we see ourselves as whatever we believe the most important person in our life believes about us.
So of course it fucks with you if they walk away.
i feel stuck in the best and worst moments that i’ve known.
The million bucks and the silence that followed.
But what is true?
What do i know?
i have a lot to be thankful for.
Mom and Dad and Jessica and Emily and Baby Landon.
They’re healthy and they love each other and they love me.
i have amazing friends. Old friends and new.
Mark. Ian. CJ. Phillip. Josh. David. Kyle. Steven. Byron. Chris. Chad. Tyson. Gord.
Jason. Jon. Dustin. Don. Gabe. Eric.
Friends who want to know me and want me to know them.
i get to do a job that i believe in. Most people don’t.
i have the opportunity to make a difference.
A lot of people would give anything for that.
i am healthy and i am young and there is air in my lungs and a shining sun outside and a sea as well and a story still going. And i’m allowed to be honest.
So do not despair.
For there is more than what we feel.
There are things missing in every single room.
But there is even more not missing.
So don’t be blinded by the ghosts.
Don’t let them glow brighter than your friends.
Don’t let them glow brighter than your family.
Fight to be present.
Don’t live only in your head.
It’s lonely and it’s dangerous.
Put your phone down for a few hours every day.
Talk to people. Look someone in the eyes and be honest and invite them to do the same.
Read a good book and watch a great film and put a song on repeat and remember who you are. Keep dreaming all your dreams. And perhaps as well some new ones.
Go to counseling if you need to go to counseling.
Take your own advice.
Take care of yourself.
Take care of the people that you love.
Tell them that you love them.
There is much to be thankful for.
PS: In the spirit of the old MySpace blogs, i should tell you that i wrote this while listening to Bon Iver’s “Beth/Rest” on repeat. The iTunes session version. The album version is great but this live version has even more weight : )