I used to think and hope that I just needed to heal to a certain degree so that I would no longer experience suicidality. While therapy, medication, and regular awareness of my mood state relating to bipolar disorder have helped me to cope and manage suicidal thoughts, I thought if I kept attending therapy and learned even more skills, maybe one day, suicidal thoughts would be a thing of the past. Now, I accept the reality that I may very well continue to experience suicide ideation periodically for the rest of my life.
Suicidal thoughts can be a symptom of certain mood states—and like a runny nose to a cold—they come with illness. Because I have bipolar and associated mood episodes, they are something I continue to face. It’s almost a predictable symptom for me. If I’m unwell, say a -5 or lower (on a mood scale of -10 to +10), my brain starts in with the negative self-talk and the stories. “You are unwell. This makes you a burden to people around you.” And on and on… I also, on occasion, experience some of these thoughts when I am in a “mixed episode.” This can be especially challenging, because identifying a mixed episode, even after practicing identifying my mood states for five and a half years, can still be tricky.
When I can recognize the mood state I am in, I am better prepared when the negative self-talk and other thoughts come knowing. “Hello Thought. I’m not surprised you’re here, because you are a consequence of depression.” This works in addressing the thought as opposed to simply believing its harsh claim.
I take these symptoms seriously and treat them accordingly. I breathe into where it hurts, I challenge thoughts by reframing them, and I email my support network to let them know what’s happening (my husband, mom, therapist, and psychiatrist) so they can help me create an action plan that reminds me: I am worthy of life. I have always been and always will be worthy of life.
I also allow myself to feel depressed. This is the hardest part sometimes, but I will seek out activities that I might engage in if I were physically unwell, such as putting together a puzzle, watching a movie, or taking a warm bath.
I think of my friends and how I would care for them if they felt as I do.
It’s important to initiate activities and not linger in my thoughts. Self-care during this time means that I need to work to confront the thoughts that project unkind things about myself. I have to remember that I am experiencing depression and a major symptom of that depression is negative self-talk and the feeling that I’m a burden.
I’m trying. I’m working on it. Sometimes I have a hard day and the hope of a better day carries me through. Sometimes I can’t help but cry during these trying states and wonder if anyone loves me—or why they even would. Depression whispers like the all-knowing authority, especially when I’m tired, when I feel like giving up, or when I’ve made a mistake.
It’s challenging to separate myself from these thoughts, but I keep trying. I am learning to acknowledge the presence of a symptom without allowing it to make decisions for my life.
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