“Every time we do something differently than what we have been shown, we break cycles.” – Unknown
My old self still comes around.
She has things about her I admire, and I wish I still had them with me today.
She’s always on fire and refuses to accept a life she doesn’t deserve. Even if that means the fire will burn her and the rest of the forest down.
I think she’s motivated by hope in a small way, but more so by a fear that no one will find her before she burns it down. She feels the desperation to survive and the pain of survival. I wonder if she knows we made it and we’re safe…
The things past me needed aren’t complex in the grand scheme of things, but patterns I continue to see in others and myself today. A lot goes back to:
Am I loved?
Am I worthwhile?
Will they stay once they truly see me?
No matter what, we are all worthy of love and safety. For most of us, we are doing what we can with what we currently have. We are all trying to survive, and surviving in a world that is built to break you down is revolutionary in itself.
Pushing back against the things that make us feel helpless, powerless, and alone is an act of defiance and love.
Guidance I would have given my child self (who was angry, traumatized, and used self-harm to cope) as someone now in their thirties:
- Get sober. Seriously. In the future, we are sober, and life really is a lot better on the otherside where you feel things completely rather than numb out.
- Saying “no” isn’t mean. The quest for liberation includes you as well, and you have a right to establish a boundary. Not everyone will accept it, but “no” is a full sentence.
- What signals trust and distrust in your body? Those things aren’t random. Respect your gut while remembering that a familiar disaster will feel more comfortable than an unfamiliar peace for your nervous system.
- Guilt and shame. Don’t push them away. Learn what each one’s story is and understand what they are trying to say. Ignoring them won’t make them go away.
- People who love you rarely withhold love from you on purpose. Conditional love is set to fail, and it doesn’t work for us.
- Your rage is justified, your sadness is valid, but don’t burn yourself down. Look closer, and you may be surprised by what you learn about yourself and your environment. “Don’t let your sorrow turn to hate.” – Orville Peck
- Unfortunately, in your subconscious quest to destroy yourself, other people will catch the shrapnel of the explosions. It’s a good time to recognize that over the course of being human, you will harm others unintentionally—the highest crime of people-pleasers such as ourselves! You cannot hate yourself into fixing it, into being someone else, or into being in a different situation.
- You apologize too much for things you didn’t do (we’re still working on this).
- You are not them.
- Forgive your reflection and those who handed it down to you. (Forgiveness isn’t the absence of accountability, so don’t have a cow, man.)
- There are so many more powerful things to do with your feelings of injustice than to turn them inward. Once you understand how to use this energy, life is calmer.
I didn’t believe it when I was younger, but life is so much more than where I started. There is pain, there is wonder, beauty, sorrow, confusion, excitement, peace, magic, starlight, and sunrise, and all the in betweens. It’s a worthwhile journey. I’m glad I made it out alive. I’m hoping that you can look back and see the same, too.
You are worthy of love and grace, from others and yourself. You are enough, here and now. If you’re dealing with self-injury or self-harm, we encourage you to use TWLOHA’s FIND HELP Tool to locate professional help and to read more stories like this one here. If you reside outside of the US, please browse our growing International Resources database. You can also text TWLOHA to 741741 to be connected for free, 24/7 to a trained Crisis Text Line counselor. If it’s encouragement or a listening ear that you need, email our team at [email protected].