Blog

Mar9
2017

What You Deserve

By Melody Gordon

There came a point in my journey where I just didn’t want to do this anymore. I was done. I wasn’t going to try anymore. I wasn’t going to fight anymore. I was just done with life.

There were so many reasons why this made sense to me.

There was the jealousy of neurotypical people. The people who aren’t mentally ill. The people who don’t have this struggle and don’t understand this struggle and probably never will.

There was the exhaustion that comes from knowing today is going to be an uphill battle, just like yesterday and the day before that and the day before that because depression is an ongoing thing. It doesn’t have an off switch to flip or a pause button to push.

There was the rage. Anger that hit me at unexpected times. The irritability came in waves and, just like the ocean, the pain seemed just as vast and deep. One moment I was fine and the next I wanted to scream. I wanted to give up and walk away from everything.

But I had to decide if I was going to try again. I had to choose if I was going to get out of bed this time. I had to pick one: give up or keep going.

I won’t pretend like it was an easy choice. It wasn’t for me. It probably isn’t for you, either.

Maybe you think giving up means no more ignorant comments about mental illness from your family, friends, coworkers, or classmates. No more suffering in silence. No more shame or guilt or confusion.

Maybe you think it’ll be the end of tears on your pillows or failures eating you alive. No more doctors, no more fear. No more panic attacks or orange medication bottles.

But to keep going means you are more determined than whatever it is that’s trying to destroy you. To keep going means you’re giving yourself one more chance because to give up on life is the same thing as giving up on yourself.

But you’re not some broken toy on a shelf. You’re not beyond help.

You can take back control of your life. You can talk back to the voice in your head and tell it to be quiet. You can get dressed and leave your home to go to work because depression isn’t your boss. You can choose to ignore the things that people say. You can choose to keep going.

Don’t just think about the tears on the pillow or the anxiety attacks or the ignorant comments. There is so much more to life than those things, even if you can’t see them right now. It’s true. There is more out there for you. There are better things out there for you.

From one survivor to another, I want you to know that we may be different but different isn’t a death sentence. It’s an opportunity to survive and thrive, to live and let live, to never quit.

You don’t deserve to die. You deserve to be here.

You deserve to stay.

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Comments (12)

  1. Donna M. Mooney

    You just described how I have been feeling for so long. I had tears running down my face as I was reading this because it struck home. Thank you!

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  2. Anonymous Duckling

    Thank you ♡

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  3. Tom

    There are times I can only say Thank You for being able to say how thankful I am knowing there are others who feel the same way I do

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  4. Stacy Howard

    I am trying to hear this but it’s like listening underwater.

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    1. TWLOHA

      Hi Stacy. We know how hard it can be to do what is good for you when you’re feeling overwhelmed and lost. But just by reaching out, you’re helping yourself. Would you consider emailing us at info@twloha.com? We would be honored to read what you have to say about your journey and struggles, and provide you with some encouragement. Sending you hope and love.

      Reply  |  
  5. maria

    thank you

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    1. just me

      this is exactly what i was looking for right now. i think i just found a page that i can book mark and look at on the days when depression bites especially hard

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  6. Allen Hammond

    I will come back and read this every time I feel the same thing I am feeling right now. I’ve been battling with myself for more than a year on killing myself stronger than I’ve had all my life. I’m fighting and trying to find reasons to live. I’m going to file this article under it. Thank you so much. I’m going to live today.

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  7. Jim

    It’s been a rough week and this blog entry sums it pretty well who I felt. I made a drawing based on this article. Depression is not your boss stuck with me.

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  8. just me

    eeee

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  9. Scottie

    Beautiful –

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  10. Janet Sawyer

    This is so good! Thanks for posting it. Mima

    Reply  |