I am a suicide survivor. Without the gritty details, underneath it all, I am a living, breathing picture of hope.
I am scarred, both physically and mentally, but I have started to take pride in the experiences I’ve had in my life. I’ve come to the simple yet incredibly important realization that I am still here today, despite my best efforts not to be.
I have been to the bottom, but I am alive because I never fully gave up the hope that there were better things than what I was giving myself. I let myself be judged and degraded, and I thought that was all I would ever be worth. I thought wrong, and if you are thinking those things about yourself, I can tell you right now that you’re wrong too.
Even if you think you’ve given up entirely, keep this in mind: The smallest bit of hope can be enough to pull you back and up, no matter how far down you are. Find that thing, that person, whatever it is, that keeps you here and cling to it as if your life depends on it.
Don’t stay silent. Scream at the top of your lungs if it means you are telling your story or asking for help.
Realize that even the smallest things can mean the difference between living and being alive. You get one life. Live it to the fullest extent that you can. Make your story mean something to even just one other person. Use the hurt you’ve felt and the tears you’ve shed to show someone that they’re not alone. Make your story have a purpose.
Maybe The Academy Is… said it better than I can: “Hold your head high, heavy heart.”
I believe in hope and giving hope to those who don’t have any left. I believe that laughing can help more than you might realize. Someone once told me that time heals all wounds. I didn’t believe it then, but I started to as time went by and things affected me less. I believe in trusting others but also trusting your gut instincts. I believe in keeping the people you love as close as you can. I believe in speaking your mind, and I know that the people who truly care will stick by your side no matter what.
And if they don’t, you can do better.
For me, my nephew is my world. I can only hope that one day I will be able to tell him what he means to me and know that he understands. I need the people I care about to know that I care about them dearly. I do my best to tell them, to make sure that they know what they mean to me.
People need to know that they have someone who cares, but in the end, the choice to live is all up to you. I might not be alive if I hadn’t had people close to me, but I know I wouldn’t be if I hadn’t made the decision to live on my own. You need to mean something to yourself.
Open your eyes in the morning and do whatever it takes to get yourself out of bed and keep moving through your day. Do it day after day, and one day it will come easier to you.
Give a new meaning to the things you’ve been through, and more importantly, the things you’ve survived. You are worth the effort. You are worth the time.
You’ve come this far. Please keep going.
twlohasavedmylife(:
This was one of the most powerful blog posts I’ve read here.
Wendy
Thank you for this…I too am a suicide survivor, but lately I’m starting to think that no one would care if I’m not here anymore. I’m a single mother, and I know my son is better off without me. I’m tired of faking a smile day in and day out. I’m afraid I’m just not as strong as I use to be. No matter what I do lately, everything turns to crap.
Laura
You’re important, you matter. Things do get better and there are/will be things worth living for. For instance, your son. Even if you feel like he’s “better off without you”. Can I tell you lovingly that you’re wrong? He needs you, don’t underestimate how important you are to his life. If you need change in your life, than change things. But please stay here, for the other people in your life, the people that will be in your life, and your son. Nothing would be the same if you weren’t here.
D.Lizzer
You are the most important person to your son. You are doing the best that you can do – and I’m sure your best is good enough. You cannot possibly be a screw-up in your sons eyes – you are superMom in his eyes. Things will get better. Things always get better – and do you know why? Because the only thing we can all truly be sure of in life is that things change.
Jennifer
This comment could not be shared due to the nature of the message.
Claire Biggs
Thank you so much for sharing part of your story with us.
TWLOHA is not a 24-hour helpline, nor are we trained mental health professionals. TWLOHA hopes to serve as a bridge to help.
If this is an emergency or if you need immediate help, please call and talk to someone at 1-800-273-TALK or reach out to the LifeLine Crisis Chat at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx“. We also have a list of local resources and support groups on our FIND HELP page. Please know that we also respond to every email we receive at [email protected].
Snoo
Thankyou for the encouragement.
It means alot that someone can relate.
Monica
Definitely needed this! The days just seemed to get harder and harder.
Valéria
The days are hard for me too, but together we can win every day. Because we are not alone. I’m here with you and you’re here with me. Together overcoming our troubles, continuing the fight without giving up. No matter where we are, we will never be alone. God stroking our faces and reminds us so worth living another day. We are unique, precious and winners. Even when we doubt, is true.
Ali
Make your story have a purpose. That is going to be my new tattoo. Thank you for the blogs. For the first time today I told my therapist the truth. I want to die because I hate myself and I feel worthless. A failed abortion. I am getting refered to a different psychologist because I have borderline personality disorder I need level 2 or 3 level care. Today I finally agreed to go. I need a game changer not a Hail Mary. You blogs begin to restore some hope.
bellla
I hope you’re proud of the steps you’re taking. I’m proud of you
God bless.
VAL
I´m a survivor too, I´m 35 years old from Uruguay… this sentence You are worth the effort helps today. I knew the page thanks to my teacher who gave me the movie. Thanks
Kathy "Kat" Dyer
Bless you, Rachel. What you shared touched me deeply. I, went to a place where I tried to end it all because I was so seriously depressed that I couldn`t even think a complete thought. I didn`t know at the time that I was catatonic. I am not young. This event happened in 2009. I`ll spare the details, but the result of my close call lead me to a therapist who did not gave up on me even tho` for a VERY long time I could barely communicate and was incapable of moving forward. I kept thinking I would walk into his office and he would just tell me he couldn`t keep me as a patient. (?) Can`t think of the right word. But, he just kept on listening and not pushing me. Over my lifetime, especially when I was young back in the 60`s and 70`s, I`d visited many therapists because I grew up thinking I was not worthy of respect and was a mentally ill/flawed person. I got married and hid in my marriage from a world in which I thought I just would never belong.( After 36 years, that ended, too. Tho` I have to add that my former husband and I are now friends and support one another. Those years together were ultimately not wasted).
After close to four years, I finally started to get better even tho` things in my life had actually gotten worse. I was very thin and looked awful and had wound up in another crisis that I am not going to elaborate on out respect for others involved at the time. All I can say is sometimes we can deeply damage ourselves trying too hard to save others especially when we are sick ourselves. I started eating better out of fear that not eating much and not sleeping much would make me crazier than I already was. This may sound silly, but Peanut M&Ms, helped. Ultimately, between eating better, a few people who had faith in me in spite of myself and finally getting my “fight” back in a small way by writing in a journal, I started onto the road to recovery. I found a writing class where I gradually felt accepted and learned not to run away because I felt unaccepted. I am still in that class and still writing and have learned to have faith in myself whether people “like” me or not. I have learned SO much and am thankful for every day regardless of the painful and sad things are in my life. I`ve learned to endure and keep on keeping on. There is joy in the little blessings and serendipities (sp?) that come along each day.
It is a huge leap for me to put my story out there online. I don`t even have a Facebook account. Reading your story and another story on grief gave me the courage to take the first steps in sharing my story. I just want to bring hope and joy to others who are suffering, struggling and trying to make something good out of their lives. I smile at strangers and look for the spark of uniqueness and dignity in others. The greatest gift there is is to honor the innate dignity in our fellow travellers in this life. Respect is so important because it sends the message to others that they are valuable. We have to do the work of moving forward ourselves but it makes such a difference when we know there are others sharing the walk of life with us without judgement and unkindness and accepting that we are not going to get those things from everybody.
Peace & blessings, Kathy D.
Bailey
Thank you so much, I’ve delt and am dealing with the feelings you’re talking about and I just wanted to say thank you for saying I’m worth it.
Kim
Rachael –
“Use the hurt you’ve felt and the tears you’ve shed to show someone that they’re not alone. Make your story have a purpose.” Thank you. When we are sure our life has no purpose, that encouragement is a light in the darkness, something to move towards, a reason when we thought there were none.
Thank you.
Leslie
Thanks for your blog post.
The drudgery of life is just too much these days. It’s all I can do to make it to work. It’s not getting easier. “you need to mean something to yourself” hmmm. Something to think about.
Richard
I am (regrettably) a suicide survivor. Not a day goes by where I don’t hate myself more for my lack of success and my asinine promise that I wouldn’t do so again. I’ve been at bottom for 30+ years and all I have found is that people will happily throw their trash down the bottom. this is how they deal with it. Throw it away and pretend like it does not exist. I’ve read a few (too many?) posts like this and what I have learned is that so many people really have no idea what the bottom looks like. But it has helped as well as I now have a definite plan in motion. By mid-summer 2020 I will have “disappeared”. No one will know how, where or when and will simply ask “Whatever happened to him?” and the only answer will be ‘I don’t know”.
Sometimes the bottom is just too far to climb back up from
TWLOHA
Richard,
We know how hard it can be to have hope when you are consumed by these thoughts. But please remember that hope is defiant, it exists in the heaviest of times even when we can’t see it. We hope you’ll allow us and others to hold on to that hope for you, we hope you’ll reach out for the support you deserve. Would you email us at [email protected] so we can connect you to some resources and learn more about you? It would be our honor.
You can also reach out to our friends at Crisis Text Line if you ever want to talk to someone about this over text. It’s free and available 24/7. All you have to do is text TWLOHA to 741741.
You are worthy of hope and help, Richard. Please stay.
TWLOHA
Kelley
You are Love
Thank you