Note: This piece talks about suicide loss and thoughts of suicide.
Max,
If I could magically send this to you in 2019, right before you died… to be honest, I’m not sure what I would say or if there are any words that would stop you from what you are about to do.
I’d love to tell you it gets better, but the truth is, it might not. I imagine the thrill people get from playing the lottery or going to the arcade is akin to the thrill that drives people to live. You truly don’t know what the outcome will be. It might be devastatingly terrible. It might be wonderful and exciting and better than you ever could have imagined. There is no way of knowing, and if you ask me, that’s what makes life so exhilarating. If you can’t find a glimmer of hope to live for, live for the thrill of the unknown.
I might also tell you how so very untrue the thought that “it wouldn’t harm anyone if I did this” is. Max, I think about you nearly every single day. We weren’t related. We weren’t “besties,” or lovers, or people who spent time together after school. You were an incredible friend and fun person to hang out with, but if you were still here, it’s unlikely we’d still be in touch now… and still, I think about you nearly every day. I still feel the sting of your death.
I feel it when my own suicidal thoughts rise to the surface. At times, your death activates my passive thoughts into something much more real, much more dangerous. I drive past the town where it happened and wonder what it would feel like to go in the same way you did, and then fight twice as hard to keep myself from doing just that.
I would be scared to tell you these words because if someone said those things to me, I would be haunted with guilt, but I do not blame you for what happened. Mental illness can be relentless and conniving, and only those who’ve experienced it can truly understand what it feels like to believe the world does not need you.
For me, from “the dark place,” my own depression warps my thoughts into believing that people would be okay in my absence. My depression and I account for my family and friends, and we reason that their worlds would be better without me. We look at every angle, and together we reach the conclusion that if nothing else, the impact of my death would be minimal. We never even account for acquaintances or friends from past lives or people we merely encounter on social media.
I write this in the hopes of convincing you, others, and perhaps even myself that our lives are more intertwined with this world than we can even fathom. Our thread of life is so essential to the tapestry of humankind that if removed, it would unravel in the least expected but most vital of places.
So stay. Please, stay.
Stay for that friend from elementary school who always hearts your Instagram stories. Stay for the cashier at your favorite coffee shop who knows your order by heart. Stay because the tapestry needs you.
Stay for yourself, too… because things might turn out wildly better than you expect, and living is the only way to find out. Stay because you are worthy of a place in this world. If nothing else, if hope is lost and your brain has convinced you that you do not belong here, stay for the exhilarating thrill of all that is unknown and all that is yet to be discovered.
How You Can Get Involved in Our Suicide Prevention Campaign
Every person deserves access to support before a moment of crisis becomes a tragedy. Every 43 seconds, we lose a loved one to suicide. Behind every loss are countless others who are struggling in silence. As a community, we’re coming together to make mental health care more accessible.
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Every dollar raised helps people find support before it’s too late, because every story deserves the chance to continue. Visit twloha.com/SuicidePrevention to learn more. With your help and support, we are able to fund therapy for people who can’t otherwise afford care, provide access to our FIND HELP Tool, and give people a space to feel seen, heard, and not alone through our peer support groups.
Access Crisis Resources
For those hurting and struggling, you’re not alone. These resources exist for you. Needing help, guidance, and support does not make you a burden. Please go to twloha.com/stay—there are people who can and want to help you through this.
Free Stickers to Share Hope
Fill out this short form, and we’ll mail stickers to you for free! You’ll receive 5 stickers, each including a message of hope and easily accessible mental health resources. Our hope is that you’ll take these and share them with your community. At your grocery store’s community board. A favorite coffee shop. A lamp post that’s been collecting stickers for decades (and could use some fresh ones).