Blog

Jan20
2020

Before and After Depression

By EMM

If you struggle with depression, you know what I’m talking about when I say that sometimes I am TIRED.

Not just tired like “I need some sleep.” Tired like, soul-tired. Spirit-tired. Hope-drained-tired. Tired-of-trying-so-hard-tired.

Do you know what I mean?

TBH,

I get soul-tired from time to time, but never like I used to.

I’d consider myself healed from depression. Anxiety? Not quite there yet. But I know for sure that there was a distinct BEFORE and AFTER with my depression.

I just wanna share something with you from over here in my “after,” in case you’re still in your “before.”

For me, suicide made so much sense in my “before.” I was chronically, deeply depressed from age 12 to 21. That’s a long time. And I was TIRED. And really, the only thing that comforted me was this sense of relief I got from imagining what it would be like to just, not exist.

To me, in my mind, the soul-tiredness I had was going to be my forever. I just didn’t see a way that I could heal. And OMG. I was trying so hard. I thought I had tried everything. And after all that fighting, I was too soul-tired to even bother continuing to try. Do you know what I mean?

If you can relate, I feel you. It’s so hard.

So this thing happened.

One day, in the middle of my daily suicidal thoughts, this one small thought crossed my mind:

“What if,

I can heal from depression. And this is not my forever?

What if,

I could actually get better?”

To me, at the time, this idea was totally revolutionary, because the power suicide had over me was rooted in the belief that my story was over.

I decided to listen to that thought.

Believing that one thought saved my life.

I decided to believe that it was possible to get better. It wasn’t some fairytale. It could actually happen for me. And little by little, the grip that the idea of suicide had on me loosened.

Here in the “After…”

I’m so glad I stuck around to see that the darkest part of my story wasn’t the way the story ended. I’m NOT perfect, I still get soul-tired every once in a while, but I’m actually, genuninely, overall, definitely feel a zillion times BETTER. And I’m happy.

I’m glad I’m alive. And for a long time, I never thought that could happen.

So I’m here to tell you that if you are depressed, how you feel right now is NOT your forever.

Life gets better. Situations get better. Your brain gets better. And you can get better.

To top it all off…

I never give advice because I remember how annoying it was to get unsolicited advice when I was at the darkest part of my battle.

And I don’t know what will work for you.

But I do know that I thought I had tried everything. And just choosing one more time to believe that I could get better? That was the thing that set me on the path of healing.

You can get better. It’s actually, for real, possible. And it’s totally worth the fight. I promise.

Keep fighting, warrior. You’re closer to winning than you think.

EMM is a singer, producer, musician, and prolific songwriter. You can listen to her music on Spotify, Apple Music, and more, and connect with her on social media at @emminreallife

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Comments (8)

  1. Dawn

    Thank you and I hope you stay in your better place❤️

    Reply  |  
  2. D.L.Brooks

    Thank you for sharing your story.I know exactly how you use to feel,exactly.I have battled w/depression since before I was 12,so very difficult@times.That one phrase you said will help me I think.Thank you again

    Reply  |  
  3. Maggie

    In this world we we live in, various kinds of pain seems to be the norm in our everyday lives. I don’t know how spiritually inclined you are as a person. But the Bible teaches that we were not created to suffer, or even die. There is a huge issue involved as to why our loving Creator allow suffering and pain to continue for so long. He takes notice of your pain too, my friend.

    When we buy a certain appliances, we do get manuals on how to use it. Or if something wrong with it, the manufacturer usually knows best how to handle the machine since they are the maker. In the same way, to fully understand the meaning of life, why are we here, why we suffer and die– the best way to find out the answer is from our Creator himself. That is why He made sure that his Word, the Bible is here today despite the many opposition and attack of his own manual. I would love to share or teach it with you if you allow me to. Many have found balance in dealing with hardships of life because of the many beautiful and wonderful solid hope found in the Bible.

    Reply  |  
  4. Jordyn Davis

    Thank you for your words. I was not in a good place when I came across this and it helped me tremendously in the moment. xoxo

    Reply  |  
  5. Scott Kendrella

    Thank you for this. It was just what I needed. 🙂

    Reply  |  
  6. Abigail

    thank you for writing this. i love what you said and im going to keep fighting

    Reply  |  
  7. Audrey

    EMM, I am 13 years old and I have started writing a story called “My Depression”, it is about me and I got inspiration from you. I would like to publish it like you.

    Reply  |  
  8. Audrey

    Thank you for inspiring me to write about my depression right now.

    Reply  |  
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