Before and After Depression

By EMMJanuary 20, 2020

If you struggle with depression, you know what I’m talking about when I say that sometimes I am TIRED.

Not just tired like “I need some sleep.” Tired like, soul-tired. Spirit-tired. Hope-drained-tired. Tired-of-trying-so-hard-tired.

Do you know what I mean?


I get soul-tired from time to time, but never like I used to.

I’d consider myself healed from depression. Anxiety? Not quite there yet. But I know for sure that there was a distinct BEFORE and AFTER with my depression.

I just wanna share something with you from over here in my “after,” in case you’re still in your “before.”

For me, suicide made so much sense in my “before.” I was chronically, deeply depressed from age 12 to 21. That’s a long time. And I was TIRED. And really, the only thing that comforted me was this sense of relief I got from imagining what it would be like to just, not exist.

To me, in my mind, the soul-tiredness I had was going to be my forever. I just didn’t see a way that I could heal. And OMG. I was trying so hard. I thought I had tried everything. And after all that fighting, I was too soul-tired to even bother continuing to try. Do you know what I mean?

If you can relate, I feel you. It’s so hard.

So this thing happened.

One day, in the middle of my daily suicidal thoughts, this one small thought crossed my mind:

“What if,

I can heal from depression. And this is not my forever?

What if,

I could actually get better?”

To me, at the time, this idea was totally revolutionary, because the power suicide had over me was rooted in the belief that my story was over.

I decided to listen to that thought.

Believing that one thought saved my life.

I decided to believe that it was possible to get better. It wasn’t some fairytale. It could actually happen for me. And little by little, the grip that the idea of suicide had on me loosened.

Here in the “After…”

I’m so glad I stuck around to see that the darkest part of my story wasn’t the way the story ended. I’m NOT perfect, I still get soul-tired every once in a while, but I’m actually, genuninely, overall, definitely feel a zillion times BETTER. And I’m happy.

I’m glad I’m alive. And for a long time, I never thought that could happen.

So I’m here to tell you that if you are depressed, how you feel right now is NOT your forever.

Life gets better. Situations get better. Your brain gets better. And you can get better.

To top it all off…

I never give advice because I remember how annoying it was to get unsolicited advice when I was at the darkest part of my battle.

And I don’t know what will work for you.

But I do know that I thought I had tried everything. And just choosing one more time to believe that I could get better? That was the thing that set me on the path of healing.

You can get better. It’s actually, for real, possible. And it’s totally worth the fight. I promise.

Keep fighting, warrior. You’re closer to winning than you think.

EMM is a singer, producer, musician, and prolific songwriter. You can listen to her music on Spotify, Apple Music, and more, and connect with her on social media at @emminreallife

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Comments (20)

  1. Dawn

    Thank you and I hope you stay in your better place❤️

    Reply  |  
  2. D.L.Brooks

    Thank you for sharing your story.I know exactly how you use to feel,exactly.I have battled w/depression since before I was 12,so very [email protected] one phrase you said will help me I think.Thank you again

    Reply  |  
  3. Maggie

    In this world we we live in, various kinds of pain seems to be the norm in our everyday lives. I don’t know how spiritually inclined you are as a person. But the Bible teaches that we were not created to suffer, or even die. There is a huge issue involved as to why our loving Creator allow suffering and pain to continue for so long. He takes notice of your pain too, my friend.

    When we buy a certain appliances, we do get manuals on how to use it. Or if something wrong with it, the manufacturer usually knows best how to handle the machine since they are the maker. In the same way, to fully understand the meaning of life, why are we here, why we suffer and die– the best way to find out the answer is from our Creator himself. That is why He made sure that his Word, the Bible is here today despite the many opposition and attack of his own manual. I would love to share or teach it with you if you allow me to. Many have found balance in dealing with hardships of life because of the many beautiful and wonderful solid hope found in the Bible.

    Reply  |  
  4. Jordyn Davis

    Thank you for your words. I was not in a good place when I came across this and it helped me tremendously in the moment. xoxo

    Reply  |  
  5. Scott Kendrella

    Thank you for this. It was just what I needed. 🙂

    Reply  |  
  6. Abigail

    thank you for writing this. i love what you said and im going to keep fighting

    Reply  |  
  7. Audrey

    EMM, I am 13 years old and I have started writing a story called “My Depression”, it is about me and I got inspiration from you. I would like to publish it like you.

    Reply  |  
  8. Audrey

    Thank you for inspiring me to write about my depression right now.

    Reply  |  
  9. Christina

    Thank you for this , as I read this I felt like you lived my life I look forward to the day my soul isn’t so tired.

    Reply  |  
  10. Jade

    Hello there. I love your story. I just came across this site on my search for suicide prevention. I’m a “Life Promotion Coordinator” which is the same as a suicide prevention worker but uses strength based language. Anyway, I’m looking for resources and ideas to help others who feel this way, especially in this time of global pandemic (Coronavirus) and I thought your story was meaningful and authentic and that’s what I’d like to put forward to others. I was hoping, with your permission, that I would share you story over our social media. I’d like for people to see and read this because I want people to make that connection and feel validated in their thoughts and to hopefully realize that healing is possible for them. So let me know if you’re willing to let me share this. Thank you.

    Reply  |  
    1. TWLOHA

      Hey Jade!

      You are absolutely welcome to share this blog post with credit! Thank you for using your energy to help those struggling. We wish you the very best.

      With Hope,

      Reply  |  
  11. Candace Augsten

    Depression and suicide engulfed me at age 10. Self harm started at 15 and ended when I was 25. I have multiple scars on my legs and arms. I attempted suicide in 2003. I’m VERY THANKFUL God revived my body bc I don’t want an eternity without Him… and that’s where I was headed. I’m now 39 and I still battle depression and suicidal thoughts come and go. I use scripture on the voices and command them to be silent in Jesus Name. I’ve tried drugs. I’ve tried alcohol. I’ve tried sex. I’ve tried so many different things. There’s only one Lasting Comfort and that’s Jesus Christ. Yes, there is healing for depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD and every other alphabet that’s out there.
    I’ve been medically labeled with a few. But I don’t let them define me. Jesus said in Him I Have a sound mind, 2 Tim. 1:7 – I have the joy of the Lord and His strength is mine, not my own but HIS. WITHOUT God I won’t make it.

    Reply  |  
  12. Danae Gockley

    I’ve never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety, but the last couple of years I’ve been struggling with them. No one knows that I struggle because I feel like if they knew they would look at me differently. And I don’t want to be a burden on them. So I just smile I keep my head up as much as I can

    Reply  |  
    1. TWLOHA

      Hi Danae,

      We’re so sorry to know that you’ve been struggling silently. Please know that you are not alone and it is okay to speak up and ask for support. Would you email us at [email protected] so we can learn more about your story and offer you some encouragement?

      With Hope,

      Reply  |  
  13. Brenda

    I’m 63, I have been tired all my life. I lived my teens to chase a high. I lived for my kids and they grew up. Then I lived for the grandkids but they too have grown up and gone their own way. I’ve been told throughout the years that I need to find a reason to live for myself instead of just for others, but in all my years I have not found that reason. I take meds to to survive but survive is all I do. I’ve been living in survival mode my entire life and I am oh so tired.

    Reply  |  
    1. TWLOHA


      Please know you are not alone in feeling the way you do now and have in the past. While our loved ones can give us reason to live, it is true that we must also have that same reason within us. And while you don’t feel it’s there, we know it is. And if you need help finding it, we are here to offer you encouragement and support throughout the process. Email us at [email protected] if you are in need of either. It would our honor to connect with you.

      With Hope,

      Reply  |  
  14. Sonja Fowler

    Wow. This stopped me in my tracks. My depression started at 13. I was diagnosed with Chronic Clinical Depression at 33. I’m 61. I’ve been on meds to keep me alive. Being “cured” has never occurred to me!

    Reply  |  
    1. TWLOHA

      Hi Sonja,

      We definitely acknowledge that people experience varying types of depression. Whereas Emm’s might be seasonal or a one-time occurrence, yours, as your diagnosis suggests, may be something you experience consistently no matter the season or the external environment. We also hope you know how proud we are of you for being open about taking medication and for doing what you need to do to stay alive. Your bravery is inspiring.

      With Hope,

      Reply  |  
  15. Rebecca

    Apri 14th, 2023
    Thank you EMM for sharing your before and after experiences with depression. Yes, I think I can relate to being tired all of the time, and the thoughts of suicide, and wanting to end it so that I wouldn’t have to feel the way I was feeling anymore. How I used to really hate it whenever other people used to give me “unsolicited advice.” Yet, ironically enough I catch myself every now and then doing the same exact thing to others (yikes)! I’d like to think that they were only trying to be helpful or sympathetic, but just couldn’t quite understand what it’s like to go through a dark period or episode because they aren’t “walking in my shoes”. I think it’s only when other people go through & experience what it’s like to be in another person’s shoes that they’re able to fully understand and really relate. I truly do hope that you’re able to work through your anxiety and finally get on the other side of it. I’m sure you will. Here’s to good health, healing, learning & building good habits, and being truly comfortable being in our own skin, and our most authentic selves, Amen✝️🙏!

    Reply  |  
  16. Liz

    I just want to say how proud I am of you for speaking out about your struggle. I am proud of everyone who read this article as well. You are all still here fighting everyday. You choose to endure the hell for hopes of a better tomorrow and that is truly beautiful. ❣️

    Reply  |  
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