Everyone knows Depression doesn’t have a lot of productive things to contribute to you. Out of depression or following it, there might be creative blossoms, there might be a glimmer of hope. But during it, there are a lot of lies. Slowly, over the years, I have learned to debunk these lies—to counter and stop them, even if at first they pull me down into their abyss.
Depression has told me it would never get better, that the world would continue to be dark, and I would feel purposeless forever. Depression was so certain of the absolutes, of feelings that would supposedly be endless, and it would try to convince me of the same. But then a few days would pass, sometimes weeks, depending on how dark things felt, and the light would shine through.
I would find myself feeling content and worthy again. And yes, the darkness would often come again—but I would be able to remind myself that the light was there before so the light could also return again.
Depression would also tell me that no one would ever care for me again. It would imply that no one could love me or want to spend time with me because I didn’t deserve people’s time and love.
But the truth is that if I loved before and I was loved before, love still remains.
Depression would tell me that I was a terrible, horrible person because at some point I had hurt someone. I made them feel emotional pain over something I said or did, or I had let them down by canceling plans and made them feel alone like Depression had made me feel.
What Depression usually omitted was the existence of forgiveness and growth. The reminder that I am human.
Depression told me to bail on friends because “they didn’t want to see me anyway.” But do you know how powerful it is to share your worries with a friend? How reassuring it is to have your friend actively dispel Depression’s lie? It strips the lie bare, sometimes to the point we feel silly for ever believing its words.
I always worried Depression knew better than me, that it could better predict events that I could never foresee. But Depression could only know and see as far as I could. And while no one, not I nor Depression, could predict the future (no matter how hard Depression tired), staying alive to live it out was the only certainty.
I am human and I live with Depression, which means sometimes I get bogged down by Depression’s voice. The voice that tells me to believe every negative thought and worry and fear. But the thing is, I can also think about how good, how kind, how caring—yet human—I am. I can think about how I’ve managed to live with and through Depression before and can do it again. And that is a truth Depression cannot dispel.
Marie is better known as Mxiety. She hosts mental health-related live discussions and interviews, as well as writes to help defeat the stigma. You can learn more about her and access other resources at mxiety.com.
Depression has a way of making us feel incredibly isolated. We’re here to remind you of the truth that you are not alone. We encourage you to use TWLOHA’s FIND HELP Tool to locate professional help and to read more stories like this one here. If you reside outside of the US, please browse our growing International Resources database. You can also text TWLOHA to 741741 to be connected for free, 24/7 to a trained Crisis Text Line counselor. If it’s encouragement or a listening ear that you need, email our team at [email protected].
My God did this resonate with me. Every word. Every sentence. That’s who I am. But through it all I know that there is always a shining light and it shines longer each time.
Thank you for this.