Internal Family Systems (IFS), created by Dr. Richard Swartz, says that we all have different parts. Parts, trauma responses, defense mechanisms, inner children, however you would like to view them, are all trying to help us out. They were essentially forged in the fires of trauma or adversity when we needed them to keep us safe. Most of the time, they are younger and vulnerable parts trying to keep our minds and bodies in a place of safety and containment.
All parts of us deserve love and understanding, regardless of how much we feel that we are struggling with their ways of protection.
With IFS, generally, there are three different camps of parts: managers, firefighters, and exiles. This is how I have come to know mine. There is no one-size-fits-all. This is my specific understanding.
Managers
“Managers” are considered proactive defenses and want to prevent social persecution. Examples of “managers” are inner critics, perfectionism, and achievement at all costs. These parts can “help” us to mask our true selves, needs, and desires.
One part of me is running the household with exhausted eyes and a lack of sleep. She has the tendency to want to keep things operational and to hammer every nail. As we have begun to learn, if the only tool you have is a hammer, everything begins to look like a nail. She won’t slow down and wants to be helpful. Useful. She can be strict and sometimes won’t have much tolerance for failure. When you look at her, you may think she is the adult of the home, but look closer. She’s a teenager. She’s a kid. She is fighting for her life and is in a position she shouldn’t really be forced to be in. She should be going to prom and making core memories. She has built a castle of chores, tasks, and goals to keep herself safe, but at what cost? She is stuck at the top of it and doesn’t realize she is the one who built it. No matter to her, it means she is safe from outside attacks.
What is her story?
“I don’t trust that anyone else would actually help me. How could I? My theory has been proven correct time and time again. Those times I allowed it really hurt, and I refuse to let go of the reins now. I’ve kept us all safe from it, and I did a good job. Right? As long as we just stay like this, we cannot feel all that grief and sadness stuff.”
She comes around when she believes someone needs her to fix it, soothe it, stabilize it. She loves deeply in a way that she has never received. She is around when there is no solution and will take over everything, bleeding into every thought and memory. Loss of control is not safe. The anxiety and the fear are better than being unsafe.
Firefighters
“Firefighter” parts are considered “reactive.” Think numb and soothe functions. Some might find that this looks like self-harm, substance use, avoidance, or distraction.
My firefighter part is at odds with the manager part. This part is in a room that is made of clouds and fantasy. She just wants to tune out the world. She used to come around when everything was too much, and she would do everything she could to numb and soothe. Just make everything quiet at all costs, no matter the risk, the impact, or fallout. She has had her fill of existence and wants to disappear.
“The world at a distance is safer anyway.”
Exiles
Exiles are core wound types that hold on to deep hurts. Vulnerable parts of shame, being unwanted, and being abandoned. These are often our “inner children.”
“The Boss”
The Boss, being the inner child, is hanging on to a lot of things and ultimately is asking, like many of us, “Am I lovable? Am I safe? Are they going to leave when they truly see me?”
The manager and the firefighter are ultimately being driven by the inner child/exile/core wound.
The Self
Then, somewhere in the middle of all of this, is the “Self.” The wise core. My Self is curious. She is playful. She is interested and eager to learn. Our “Self” is loving, caring, safe, and gives us grace and understanding. Just like the person we always needed, right?
The way this gets clouded is that so often we take on our parts, and it feels like we are truly “a perfectionist, “always abandoned, or any other part we may have. Our parts are just there to get us through life.
During this work, being vulnerable was not part of the program with the Manager. The Firefighter felt the need to bust out and do something to distract the nervous system from the flood of memories. Learning about my exile was scary. The key for me throughout this was to find safe attachments and safe environments where I could be human (flawed and messy) without feeling like a failure for feeling.
The Hope of IFS
Ultimately, the hope of IFS is to meet all of these parts with compassion and understanding, to hear what they each have to say and what they’ve had to hold over the years. It is to let the Self lead and guide, and to understand ourselves and our inner workings in a different, more compassionate way.
If you would like to learn more about IFS, below are some readings.
Know Thy Selves: Learning to Understand Oneself Increases the Ability to Understand Others
“No Bad Parts” by Dr. Richard Schwartz
“Internal Family Systems Therapy” by Dr. Richard Schwartz and Martha Sweezy
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