When I was a little girl, I always wondered what it would be like to be grown up.
I would daydream about all the fun social events I would attend coffee dates, brunches, dinners, happy hours, and wine nights—just for the hell of it. I fantasized about how it would feel to get to go wherever, whenever I wanted—without needing permission from my parents.
Now that I’m an adult, in the general sense of the word, I find myself getting to do those very things I imagined doing. I live a life full of friends, lunches, coffees, and almost nonstop human interaction. As a fitness instructor, I am incredibly fortunate to be part of an amazing community of the most energetic people. We uplift and inspire each other and, consequently, I have developed some of the most fulfilling relationships. I am surrounded by so much love and light, positivity and strength.
However, while I find myself almost never in solitude, there are moments when I am overcome with the most disheartening and overpowering sense of loneliness. They are usually brief but come on so quickly and intensely that they’re nearly debilitating. I start to wonder if any of these people truly care for me or if they only tolerate me when it befits or can benefit them. I wonder if I am disposable, and I am terrified that the answer is yes.
Is being a grown-up just figuring out how to balance the most joyful times with the painfully low ones? Is it having to wonder if I’m mentally unstable or if this undeniable sense of sadness is something everyone occasionally feels? Am I the only one who gets tired of the charade, the only one who sometimes wonders what it would be like to end it? In a world inundated with social media and outwardly perfect lives, it gets harder and harder to feel “normal” or “good enough.”
I know you read that paragraph in confusion because I am the girl who hides behind a constant smile and a carefree giggle. I am the last person you would worry about when it comes to mental health. The truth is sometimes I am resentful of that very thing. You overlook me because I’ve always made things easy for you. I seem so happy. I don’t ask for help. I am well adjusted. I don’t want to be a burden, so I will let you believe that those things are true. I will let you believe that I am fine. And most times, I believe it too.
But I always hope that someone will care enough to look a little closer. On the days when my smile is the biggest and my laugh is the most boisterous, I wish someone would notice my eyes pleading quietly for a soft squeeze of the hand or a long hug. I pray for a small act of kindness to acknowledge how hard it was to get out of bed, and maybe even a celebration of that because they are glad I did. To know that even just one person is truly grateful I am alive today could snap me back to life.
I for one am glad you got out of bed. I am grateful you exist. And I hope you find the courage to say how you’re really feeling.
Depression has a way of making us feel incredibly isolated. We’re here to remind you of the truth that you are not alone. We encourage you to use TWLOHA’s FIND HELP Tool to locate professional help and to read more stories like this one here. If you reside outside of the US, please browse our growing International Resources database. You can also text TWLOHA to 741741 to be connected for free, 24/7 to a trained Crisis Text Line counselor. If it’s encouragement or a listening ear that you need, email our team at [email protected].
Susan
Thank you for putting words to my feelings, my days, and my life. It is nice to hear that someone actually understands the feelings that I am feeling. It makes it that less lonely.
Jeanne
I’m currently working on exactly this
What a perfectly timed read the universe provided me
Tammy Copland
I feel like that about 6 out of 7 days a week. I feel I have bag full of masks, each for different people and different situations. I pit on an act, a smile a show, no one knows me, not really
TWLOHA
Tammy,
We hope you can find a safe space to remove those masks and just be. And please know that our team is here and would be more than honored to offer you a place to come as you are. Always.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Lucy
This really resonated. Even when you’re ready to stop performing ‘well’ & ‘happy’ and ask for help, it’s too hard as we don’t know how to step outside our performance norms. It’s exhausting. And I find that it makes the future uncertain and pointless at times.
TWLOHA
It certainly takes practice and grace to fully drop those expectations and learned behaviors. The exhaustion takes a toll and we hope you can give yourself the space to rest before working at it again.
Jane S
This really touched me Vanessa and I can completely relate. I am also the one with the big smile veiling an exhaustion around just being in society with all its expectations and masks. Thank you for sharing and know that you are not alone in your thoughts. I am there with you. I reslly do understand. Please keep going, and as you poignantly say…..keep balancing adult life’s highs and lows….that for some of us maybe hit that bit harder..the highs are wonderful, yet we must brace ourselves for the lows. We always have and we always will. Keep breathing and being so beautifully human my friend. Take care and again, Thank you sharing such meaningful and heart felt words.
Tammie
This is so relatable. I’m all smiles and laughter around people because I want them to feel good. I want them to know that I enjoy their company. But inside, I just want it all to end.
TWLOHA
Tammie,
We appreciate that you want to bring joy and laughter to others, but we hope you know that you deserve to be honest about how you’re feeling. You can always reach out to us at [email protected] if you’d like a safe, non-judgmental space to share. Our team is here to offer you encouragement, connect you to support, or just to simply listen.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Eileen
I identify with so much of this, especially the part about wondering if- or feeling convinced that- people only tolerate me when it benefits them, and that they don’t notice or care how much I’m struggling. Thank you for writing this. I am glad you got out of bed even if it was extremely difficult. Sending a virtual hand squeeze and a hug.
Marina
What really resonates with me is the part where, even with the biggest smiles or biggest laughs you wish someone would notice the sadness in your eyes. I feel that way all too many times. Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I’m fine. The amount of energy it takes to “be okay” especially when I’m at work, interacting with so many people (as an introvert), is so exhausting. But most people will assume you’re fine at first glance when chances are that’s when I’m struggling the most. Everyday simple tasks can be so difficult, it’s comforting to know you’re not alone in this struggle. Others feel the same and at the end of the day we’re all just trying to survive and navigate our lives as best we can.