I laid in bed in the dark, trapped inside my own thoughts. Thoughts of loneliness, thoughts of worthlessness, thoughts of hopelessness. Thoughts of wanting to kill myself. This wasn’t my first night—it had been weeks, months even.
I was angry with myself. I was a mental health therapist. I knew every coping skill in the book, how to safety plan, how to use cognitive therapy to change my thoughts. I knew the “right” things to do to feel better. My career revolved around providing hope to others, yet I couldn’t bring hope into my own life. I sat in an office all day telling clients all of the reasons to live, all of the ways to get out of depression, all of the things that made them important and why the world needed them. And I felt like a hypocrite each day, never believing a word I said when it came to myself.
I can’t tell you why I didn’t kill myself that night. Or the dozens of nights before, where the thoughts lasted deep into the early morning hours. Maybe it’s because of my faith. Maybe it’s because of my family. Maybe it’s because I was afraid. But I can tell you that each passing night I felt like this, I felt myself getting closer and closer to losing my life. And I was getting scared.
Knowing I needed help and getting it were two different things. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I felt like a failure for not being able to do the thing I was trained to do. But how could I look down on myself for asking for help, for going to therapy, for taking meds, when that was the exact same thing I was asking every other person I came in contact with to do? I knew how to do it. But I was clouded by my own emotions, my own past trauma, and my own illness.
Eventually, I hired a therapist. A therapist I still see today. A therapist that understands me and helps me and cares about me. A therapist who told me that he has a therapist. A therapist that told me I was going through a lot and recommended inpatient treatment. I trusted him and I listened. I went to treatment for six weeks. And that was where I found more helpers who were seeking mental health treatment—doctors, surgeons, therapists, pastors. Turns out, sometimes the ones giving the hope need it just as much.
Suicide is scary. Self-harm is scary. Mental illness is scary, and another way for it to take more lives is for the helpers in this world to be too ashamed to ask for help themselves. If you take the doctor out of the hospital, the patients lose their help. If you take the helper out of the mental health field, the people struggling lose one of their lifelines. The burn-out rate in the mental health field is so high and it’s a time when we need as many helpers as ever. I realize what it’s like to be on the other side. I realize what it’s like to suffer through mental illness, and I know what it’s like to feel what my clients are feeling. I can empathize when they come into my office and tell me they don’t want to live. I can help from a place of knowing.
I remember those nights of being suicidal vividly. I wish I could say they never happen anymore, but they do. Except now I have a support system. I have medications. I have a counselor. I believe my purpose in life will forever be to help others who are struggling. But sometimes my purpose is to just make it through the day alive. And that’s okay. That’s a valid purpose for anyone. Because even though I am a helper, a provider of hope, my mental health and my life are just as important as everyone who walks through my door.
Maddy
I may not be a therapist, but I’ve been going to one for 3 years. I love her and she has helped me change my life. This article touches my heart because I find myself in this spot but never read an article where someone talks about suicide and healers needing healers too. I’ve always been the helper with my friends and teammates and classmates, etc. And I share my knowledge from what I’ve learned in therapy all the time with them. Especially when my friends ask for advice and come to me for help or love through tough times and good times. Many times I find myself not knowing who to go to as my healer. It’s like I am always there for others but do not know who my healer is. I know the advice to give them and encourage them to take steps or use tools I’ve learned for awareness or self reflection , but sometimes I find it hard to use the tools myself. With a history of alcohol abuse especially the previous 4 years in college (I’m now 23)—- came depression/anxiety, and the worse that got I got lost and buried in emotion and secretly began self harming. Suicidal thoughts came into play through it all and no matter the support and what I had learned I couldn’t see past my hurt, more like numb feeling, or lack there of. After 3 binge drinking nights leading to angry night break down suicide attempts that landed me in hospitals, it was clear I needed help, except not to me. Once it was clear to my closeest group of friends and my parents that I was struggling I was forced into therapy. Although it’s been now 2 years since my last hospital visit and 8 months since I last drank, I still get thoughts about self harm and suicide. No I would not do either of them because I have grown so much, but some days are extremely hard. Sorry for the novel comment. I just wanted you to know that I appreciate this article. It hits home and I don’t leave comments or talk about this stuff too much. Thank you for your inspiring words. It’s true, healers need healers too. ❤️ Thanks!
Maria
I really appreciate you sharing this. I cope with mental illness and I am starting my journey to become a “helper”, and I’m afraid of being judged by my peers. It’s so nice to hear that I won’t be alone. Thank you.
Kylie
This was so beautiful.
Elizabeth
I am a therapist who was recently struggling with suicidal ideations. I am lucky that I have a supportive team but I still felt too ashamed and proud to take the time I needed to care for myself. Thank you for your bravery.
Mary Pat Payette
Wow. Your genuine honesty has helped another helper; me… Thank you. I needed this. Blessings to you!
Pamela Adkins
What a beautifully written post.
I recently lost my husband. My soulmate. The part where you wrote just making it through the day??? YES. There are days I climb into bed and just thank God,”I got through another one.”
Thank you for writing.
Kate
You are not alone! From one helper who has lived through it themselves to another, we are not immune, and we have to take care of ourselves! Thanks for sharing your story.
Maree Dee
Thank you for your post. I care for many people with mental health challenges, run a ministry for families with a loved one with mental illness, and just lost someone to suicide. You have encouraged me to do what I preach and reach out to a therapist for my own me tal health check up. Thank you.
Ricki
How can we get more mental health care.
nix
Me everyday:
I laid in bed in the dark, trapped inside my own thoughts. Thoughts of loneliness, thoughts of worthlessness, thoughts of hopelessness. Thoughts of wanting to kill myself. (c)
TWLOHA
Hello Nix,
We are heartbroken to hear about how you are feeling. Please know that you are not worthless. You are an important person who plays a very important part in this world. There are people who care about you and who want to be here for you. It may be difficult to see right now, but we truly believe this. We also believe that the world is better because you are in it.
If there is ever a night that these thoughts feel overwhelming, we encourage you to call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255 or text TWLOHA to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. Both of these services have people on staff 24/7 that are here for you and want to help you through this difficult time. We also encourage you to take a look at our Find Help tool. In this tool, you can find resources that are local to you that will allow you to receive the help that you deserve. You deserve to find peace, and you deserve happiness. You are also more than welcome to email us at [email protected]. We are so happy that you are here, and we are here to listen to you and support you.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
D
<3 from a nurse who's right there with you.
Tori
Thank you! I appreciate you! Your story is everything to me right now. I work in the mental profession, and have been for 5+ years. However, I have been struggling with my own mental health (including selfharm and si) for 10+ years.
I always struggled with the thoughts of “I do this for a living. I have the tools. Why can’t I use them?” and “How can I help a client when I can’t even help myself?”. After years I realized, the best mental health professionals are those who have walked their own mental health path. Those who have their own struggles are more able to not only understand, but can relate, and therefore give advice and insight of skills that truly help. Because in the end, we are all different and we all cope differently. Humans are a cookie cutter.
Thanks for sharing. And I hope the best for you!
Rey Paez
I want to talk to people who will understand me
TWLOHA
Rey,
You are always welcome to message our team at [email protected]. We would be honored to hear your story and offer you some support and encouragement. You are not alone.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
TWLOHA
Rey,
You are always welcome to message our team at [email protected]. We would be honored to hear your story and offer you some support and encouragement. You are not alone.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Ashley
I read this and felt the words so deeply, almost as if I had wrote it myself. Thank you for sharing.
Jodie
Elicia,
Thank you for your bravery! I walked down that road 3 years ago. Thank you for your vulnerability!
Brooke
Thank you so much for this post. I too work in mental health, for the past 4 or 5 months I’ve been struggling bad with anxiety and depression. I have felt like a hypocrite, I’ve felt like there’s no way I could possibly go to counseling when I already know all the coping strategies myself. Even to this day I wonder if I am in the right profession because I am giving people encouragement, I am helping them see their worth and showing them that there is a purpose for them yet I can’t do that for myself….reading this has made me feel so good to know I am not alone. Thank you!
Suzie
I cannot express in words how much I needed to hear this right now.
Alison
Thank you so much for your honesty. I’m glad you’re here. ❤️
Michele
This is a remarkable story as it sheds light for everyone struggling, it helps to to show no one is alone, and it helps to show life is not even close to perfect, and with good supports you can keep working day day with hope that someone else understands, and can help you along. Thank you for sharing your story.
Steph
My heart. My father, a PhD marriage and family counselor of over 40 years took his own life last summer and I know he battled with all these same thoughts. The night before he did it he had pulled out his many presentations he used to give to veterans on ptsd and suicide, perhaps to look for a glimmer of hope for himself. It’s so tragic. Bravo to you for hanging on.
TWLOHA
Hello Steph,
We are heartbroken to hear about the loss of your father. We would like you to know that we mourn with you. We know how difficult and overwhelming a loss like this can be. Please know that you are not alone, and you deserve to have support during this time. If you would like, you are more than welcome to reach out to us at [email protected]. We are here with open hearts and ears ready to listen.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Kara
Thank you for writing this. This particular situation is one that I have been worried about as I am currently working on getting my degree in counseling, but being able to hear from the experience of others is extremely helpful.
Mary
this is beautiful. i don’t know you but i am proud of you
Amy
Thank you for writing this. I am struggling and trying not to burn out in a very related field. I am carrying a double caseload due to staff shortages, trying to train new staff, and have now been assigned to additional QA duties. I feel guilty as hell for taking the day after Christmas off. I am made to feel guilty for not taking work home or working on the weekends. I am exhausted and need to take care of my household chores and do my food prep for the week because I have to eat at my desk or while driving in order to eat lunch or a snack and still want to eat healthy.
Ali
Thank you for this.
I work in the field of substance abuse treatment, a recovering addict myself.
I’ve been needing to hear ALL of this.
I get so caught up in helping others that I sometimes forget that I matter too.
I’m happy you found your light and were able to give this message.
I appreciate you.
Salma Rashid
I am very touched by your article, I am a psychotherapist and I also feel suicidal and struggle with my issues, it is not a weakness but a strength to be able to allow your emotions to be processed even though we are therapists, we are human and have feelings too. We would be no good to anyone if we couldn’t accept our own pain and thoughts of distress, no one should suffer and feel that they can’t or shouldn’t. Thank you
Salma Rashid
Being a therapist doesn’t mean that we don’t have our own issues, we do the job because we understand the pain that people endure, mental illness suicidal thoughts and self harm are all the most frightening experiences, there is no shame in asking for help. No one is exempt from past pain and experiences, it can make you understand how other people are feeling. But it is equally important that therapists can also ask for the help without guilt or shame, we should be able to benefit from therapists as well just as our patients do. It is a valuable and important necessity for us
Kana
I have to say, I’ve been struggling with thoughts like this for as long as I remember. I have actually tried a couple of times to no success and I honestly can’t tell if that’s a good or a bad thing at this moment but I’m so happy you didn’t do it. I don’t even know you but reading that you seem to be coping with it better was kind of the highlight of my day today so thank you for not doing it.
Pam
My purpose is to find out how to leave my life
TWLOHA
Pam,
We’re so sorry to know that you’re feeling this way. But we truly believe that your purpose is not to leave. We hope you’ll stay and find what you were made for.
Please email our team at [email protected] so we can learn more about you and offer you some encouragement. It would be an honor.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
brittany harding
I hurt myself just to feel it is a pain that is surreal my body aches with a desperate need my arms are scarred with wounds theres anger trapped under my flesh so I hide the marks under my shirt but I do not feel it doesn’t hurt I don’t know why I chose this way but my scars reveal what I cannot say some may think I want to die but that’s not the case although ive tried most days I really do want to live but I love the pain one day ill go too deep and be trapped inside eternal sleep my mouths stitched shut I cant make a sound look in my eyes no life is found self-harm is sealed with the kiss of death these lines on my body are all that’s left like thorns wrapping around me a painful embrace poking my skin draining the color from my face the pain sinks into my very core and I love it till my arms are sore but I regret it so much what ive done to my skin and I scream so loud these walls are paper thin but I no longer want to hurt myself you guys are my family and I feel your concern I have a choice to turn my life around and finally put this down I didn’t harm today so that’s a start twloha is beginning to heal my heart
TWLOHA
Brittany,
We are so incredibly sorry to hear and know of your pain, but we need you to know that you are more than your pain. You are deserving of recovery and love and safety. You are worthy of treating your body and self with kindness and grace. It’s inspiring to hear that you have begun to find healing, that you have refrained from self-harming today. Whether it’s a single day or hour or minute, we believe you deserve peace. Would you please email us at [email protected]? We would like to know more about you and connect you with the help you deserve.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Marty
Thank you so much for sharing. It’s so hard to find info on this topic. Your words were validating- a first
Rebekah
How do you cope when your trusted therapist of 8 years of phone calls texts and meetings died by suicide. Especially when you have been in identical pain from surgeries and ptsd?
TWLOHA
Hi Rebekah,
We are incredibly sorry for your loss. Losing someone you care about and trust is a difficult experience in so many ways.
Would you email us at [email protected] so we can learn more about your story and offer you some support?
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Chelsea
I am right here, right now. Filled with shame (shouldn’t be), all the right knowledge & tools; yet here I sit. I’m broken down and struggling. I have my own therapist & had to reach out in “crisis” mode which resulted in me feeling even more ridiculous & shameful. Vicious cycle. Hard to find much online because no one is willing to speak openly about this. We are all works in progress. But right now I just need to make it moment by moment, day by day.
TWLOHA
Hi Chelsea,
We are so sorry you’re in the midst of a struggle right now and feeling alone, but please know that we are here. We hope you will reach out to our team at [email protected] so we can learn more about your story and give you some support and resources. We’re so glad you reached out to your therapist when you needed to. That’s honestly so inspiring for us to hear. You deserve that help and support!
We hope to hear from you soon.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
am
i am also a MHP and this spoke to me. thank you so much for posting!
Elizabeth
I am a therapist who has recently had some intruding suicidal thoughts. They are fleeting, I have had depression since I can remember, I am on medication and it has been a long year for me. I have been dx with a chronic illness and face a lot of medical challenges. Over the last two weeks I have had so many sducidal ideations. No, I do not have a plan. I am listening to people and thinking about what a hypocrite I am being. I was talking to a colleague yesterday and the entire time she was talking, I was thinking, I am going to have a mental break down right here and now. But, those moments pass and I start to feel like myself again. I do see a therapist, but, I have trouble being vulnerable. Yes, another hypocritical sentiment. Anyway, thanks for your post it is nice to know there are people out there who have gone through this and have the courage to tell their story.
PhillyTherapy
Where do you live that your Inpatient stay was filled with doctors, pastors, and therapists? I am a suicidal therapist as well, working within the Public Health system in Philadelphia PA at an inpatient center. The clients are beyond impoverished, their needs are daily not met, and the clinic is geared towards documentation rather than treatment.
I am happy you live in a place were therapy is therapy and not warehousing the poor and milking insurance companies via service notes. I would *never* seek services from any of the clinics or providers I have worked with and for.
Santangelo
I feel so depressed. I have been rudely rejected by two new therapists in the past couple months. They both told me to find services elsewhere. I was sobbing and close to giving up. One told me to look on Psycholigy Today and ended my session early. This was after I told her I was suicidal. I am so hurt, embarrassed, and depressed. I’m afraid to try anyone else. I am a therapist myself, and just barely hanging on. I see clients, but the administrative work is too much. I dont want to live anymore, and I dont know where to find the help I need. I started with another therapist, but it feels like progress isn’t going to be fast enough. I’m sure I’ll lose my job if not my life. I keep asking for help, but cant find it. I should not be in the Counseling field. Not anymore. But I have to survive and work. I am single with no help. I am being unethical. I never used to be like that. Feeling hopeless. I did think I was alone though, so this article helps. Thank you.
TWLOHA
Hi friend,
We are incredibly sorry to hear that you have been seeking help and not finding the support you need. That is truly disheartening. We do hope you know that even though your experiences are valid and the pain you’re feeling is real, you are not alone and we hope you don’t stop looking for the help you deserve. Would you email our team at [email protected] so we can learn more about your story and try to offer you some support and encouragement during this difficult time? It would be our honor.
You are needed here. You are loved. Please stay for better days.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Susan
Thank you for sharing your story. I am also a therapist. May I ask how your found your therapist? Is there a way to search for a therapist who treats therapists? I have not been able to find one who I feel can help me. Maybe I have different expectations as, like you, I know all of the coping skills, etc. Thank you.
Eve
Turns out, sometimes the ones giving the hope need it just as much.
Really felt that.
Wish you well.
sammi
I started seeing a therapist long before I ever thought I could be one. Then, I thought I couldn’t because of my struggles with suicide so I became a teacher. My first job out of school is as a paraprofessional and teacher at a mental health facility. As I read this, I felt like I’ve come full circle. Thank you for your words. They brought me hope on a difficult night.
Jessica
I am a therapist who was also suicidal. On Jan. 29th, 2019 I almost died. I am grateful to be here today but it’s definitely still a struggle. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope one day I can share my story of being a therapist in therapy.
TWLOHA
Jessica,
We are so glad that you are still here. Whenever you want to share your story, we’ll be here.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Eliza
Thank you so much for being so open and sharing this! You are so strong! Reading this has greatly inspired me. I also struggle with mental health issues and I am determined to help others who are struggling with similar issues to mine. I am scared of being “different” than my colleagues, scared to be stigmatized because of my mental health issues. As you stated, without “helpers” availible, people cannot get the services that they need. I think that we really need to address this topic so that doctors, mental health professionals and other “helpers” can get the help that they deserve- WITHOUT the stigma.
Debra Fredette
I too am a profoundly depressed therapist who fights suicide all the time. I continue to work everyday, support my family members, own a home, garden, and to all outside I am fine. Inside I am in so much pain I sometimes think I will give in and do what I have vowed I would never do to what little family I have left. Finding the right therapist and psychiatrist is really hard for anyone but for a therapist it is even harder. I Live in a small town and all my resources are colleagues. I fear losing even more if anyone were to know how bad this is. I am single, 60 and live alone so I have to keep working to survive.
TWLOHA
Debra,
We are so sorry to hear that you are not only struggling but also facing the stigma of needing and asking for mental health help as a therapist yourself. This is not easy to navigate, but please know that you are not alone in this. Perhaps teletherapy would be a good option to explore? We would love to help you connect to someone you feel safe and comfortable with. You deserve the help you so often give to others. Please email our team at [email protected] so we can talk more.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Sam
Thank you so much for sharing! I’m currently feeling this way….and have on/off for years. I feel incredibly ashamed, because I’m a therapist and know how to help others….just not myself. My community is small and I know most of the other therapists here. For this reason and feeling so ashamed, I’ve avoided therapy. This is the first time I’ve even written my feelings down for others to see. I’m incredibly alone and go entire weekends without another human being to talk to. Many weeks, my only contact with people is with clients. Feelings have been overwhelming lately. Reading your post at least reminds me that I’m not the only one who struggles. Thank you for listening
TWLOHA
You most certainly are not the only one, Sam. We’re grateful you found this blog post. It’s so important for us to find community and to be able to see ourselves and our stories in other people. The shame you are feeling, while very real, isn’t true. You are deserving of the help you offer to others. You are deserving of support. Please reach out to our team at [email protected] so we can hear more about your experience, give you encouragement, and connect you to resources.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Sally Allende
Thank you so much for sharing you story. I am going for my Master’s degree and have had similar thoughts and challenges needless to say…If its alright me asking, if someone going for their degree in mental health couseling were to be bakeracted, would they take away that person’s license and not allow them to practice? Is that a thing in amy State that you know of? Sorry to ask you a touchy question, but I have been concerned about this for a long time. Thank you again so much for sharing your story, it makes me see I’m not alone.
Sara
I feel like I could have written this article. I am also a suicidal therapist. Often times I have wondered why my clients get better and I do not. I’m currently in a treatment program and looking into transmagnetic stimulation. I’m really glad I found this article to know that I’m not alone. It’s something that is not often spoken about in our profession.
TWLOHA
You are absolutely not alone, Sara. We are really glad you’re seeking support and are speaking up about your struggles. Thank you for your willingness to share and be honest.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
K
Hey Alicia, I don’t know if you have would ever see this comment but I’m in the same position you are. I’m a crisis therapist, and have attempted suicide multiple times in the past. I am currently in a place where I’m having suicidal thoughts (absolutely no intention of carrying them out) but it is incredibly difficult. My job is trying to force me back into work, with very high risk clients, and I’m terrified to lose my income because as a clinician, I’m well aware that I probably shouldn’t be working with clients at this time. They seem to have other thoughts. That being said I’m reaching out to therapists, psychiatrists, and neurofeedback/EMDR trauma specialists and considering taking a leave. Your post really, genuinely inspired me.
Erika
I feel so seen right now. I work in mental health because I am fiercely passionate about helping people like me. However, I hide a secret in that I often struggle with my own depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. I am well aware this presents an ethical dilemma, but it’s hard because one of the things that gives me purpose is my work. Then, I feel extra guilty because I feel dishonest, but your words make me feel like I’m not a horrible person for needing my own help. Like others say, why can I not apply what I know works to my own situation? I think it is because I am afraid I would lose my credentials and my life’s purpose if others found out, but trying to do this alone just doesn’t work as well as the therapeutic relationship. You inspire me to be brave.
Sally Allende
I know you may not see this comment…but thank you dearly for writing this post. I am a student and in about 1 year I am supposed to be an LMHC…I have been struggling with “these” ideations. I have been terrified to get “help” because I am so scared that I will not be allowed to become a therapist or when I do become a therapist that my license will be revoked for suicidal ideations and being bakeracted. I heard if you are bakeracted within 5 years of getting your LMHC that you cannot get your license to practice as an LMHC. Please of you can…is there any truth in this??? I want help so badly…I have been so emotionally numb because of not being able to get help and feeling so trapped…thank you so much if you get to read this or if anyone else reads this and can help answer my question of desperation.
G,R.
Thank you, for writing this. I have worked in mental health 20+ years. As a professional, I struggle to find a space to express myself openly about my personal emotional challenges, as doing so may directly compromise my livelihood. I appreciate being reminded that I am not alone.
TWLOHA
We’re really grateful you found these words and feel seen/understood. We hope you can continue to chip away at the stigma that tries to keep counselors and therapists from also seeking support for their mental well-being.
You can always share with us by emailing our team at [email protected].
R
Oh my goodness…this is me. I am a therapist, and I am in such a dark place. I work with clients in an acute care in-patient hospital. I know all the things I should do. And yet here I am. I feel such shame, going to work and working with many suicidal patients, knowing I am suicidal myself. Who am I to try to help these people, when I can’t even find my own way out of this darkness and desire to die?
Becky Ebert
Hi friend,
Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing this. It requires courage. We’re really glad you found these words, and we hope they help you to feel less alone. We understand the shame you’re experiencing, but we truly believe that the help you are extending to others is still valid regardless of if you yourself are struggling. And you surely know this already, but perhaps it helps to repeat: You are also worthy of care and support. No one is immune to mental struggles, including therapists and counselors.
If you ever need a safe space to share, we’re here: [email protected]. We also wonder if you might like to listen to this podcast episode on the topic/stigma: https://twloha.com/podcast/counselors-seeking-counseling/.
With Hope,
TWLOHA