The Will to Live

By Uele BoxillJanuary 16, 2020

Life has a way of being both beautiful and ugly, wonderful and frightening. Every day you can experience a whole host of different emotions that can make you feel as high as the clouds or like you’re sinking to the bottom of a deep abyss. With everything that life can throw at you during any given day you may begin to wonder if life is even worth living at all. It’s certainly not an easy thing to think about. We mostly shy away from thinking such thoughts or at least acknowledging them. Sometimes slipping into those thoughts makes it harder to come back out. The darkness begins to feel familiar and in a sick way, even safe. The goodness of life no longer seems natural but like foreign territory. Whenever life starts to feel like this, it’s time to start reminding ourselves why we’re alive in the first place, and what good can still come even in the midst of our darkest moments.

In many people’s eyes, it doesn’t seem like I’ve lived very long, but to me, it sometimes feels like I’ve been here forever. Having severe anxiety and depression has internally aged me well beyond my 24 years of physical life. In some ways, it feels as though I have experienced a life prior to this one, but of course, that’s impossible to prove. The life that I am living now has had its fair share of triumphs, heartbreaks, and everything in between. But because of an array of factors I have always tended to focus and obsess over the heartbreaks. Most of the time I can remember with great clarity all of the bad things that have happened in my life while struggling to remember the good. And when I focus on those bad times and let the negativity fester, I start to slip into the familiar darkness. I become a mere shell of my happier self and soon after begin to question what the point is of being here at all. It always feels like the darkness will never end and I’ll never experience real joy again. This is the bad place. And I’m fighting every day to stay out of it.

Looking at my life I’d say I have many reasons to not give up on it. Despite the bad that has happened I have also experienced a considerable amount of good. I have loved ones who want me to have joy and will try their best to help me achieve it. I have dreams and goals that I want to fulfill, and my desire to do those things gives me the drive to keep going. And in general, I think I still have some unwavering hope that life can and will get better. Even in my darkest moments, the times where I have contemplated giving up, a part of me knew that life is not always bad and there’s always the hope that it can get better.

To those struggling with the bad things in their lives, I encourage you to not give up just yet. You may be in the bad place now but that does not mean you always will be. Life will give you that goodness you are so desperately searching for.

Don’t give up.

You need life and it needs you.

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Comments (4)

  1. Katze

    It’s funny: I’ve never been this depressed in my life – it’s a lot worse this time around – but experience tells me that even this one will pass eventually, because all the ones before did, too. There is hope in the darkness, because eventually every darkness muss pass. And untill then, I’ll just hold on.

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  2. Mia brown

    What a wonderful article. I going to forward this to everyone I know who is struggling or has a family member affected. Thank you for being open m honest.

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  3. Cindy Young

    This was really inspiring – I felt really connected to it. Thank you

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  4. Laura McCammon

    Oh my God you have no idea how much this article means to me. This is exactly how I’ve been feeling to a T! I’m 26 and feel like this so much because I have severe anxiety and depression too. Beautifully written and so well done, it really did make me feel better

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