To the Girl Who Wrote My Suicide Note:
You didn’t think I’d make it this far.
Hell, I didn’t think I’d make it this far.
But I did.
I’m not going to pretend it was easy. It was harder than anything I’ve ever done. I think what surprised me the most, through all of it, was how calm I felt. Death seemed like such a rational option that you almost convinced me that I wasn’t in any danger.
Almost.
You lingered behind me every day for months, getting closer and closer, louder and louder. You told me I wasn’t good enough. You told me I was unattractive and inadequate. You told me no one loved me. You told me it wasn’t enough to exist and call it a life. You told me it would be easier to just give up. And before I could protest, you were writing, and writing and writing. When I realized what you had written, I decided enough was enough.
It’s required therapy and a lot more effort than I thought I had the energy for. It was uncomfortable and painful and difficult.
But I made it.
You thought I was worthless.
I am not worthless.
You thought I was nothing.
I am not nothing.
I have never been nothing. I am someone’s sister, best friend, roommate, lunch buddy, employee, teacher, mentor. I am an actor, singer, dancer, poet, artist, creator of beautiful things. I am not nothing. I am someone and I am something.
You thought I was unloveable.
I am worthy of love.
I am loved by my professors, who listen to all of my rants. By my therapist, who believes I’m strong enough to grow. By my mentor, who picks me up and sets me back on my feet every time I feel myself slipping. By my friends, who always have my back. By my family, who sat through all of my prepubescent performances of “Tomorrow.” By my roommates, who listen to me snore every night without complaint. By my brother, who looks up to me. By my fish (Swimothy) who appreciates that I bring him food regularly.
If I had let you speak for me, I would have missed out. And, I would have been missed.
Yes, some days I’m just trying to get to tomorrow. Some days I’m simply trying to survive.
But that’s OK.
Because I choose to live. I choose to breathe. I choose to swim instead of sink. And every morning I make that choice over and over again.
This letter is a reminder to the girl who wrote my suicide note. It is a reminder to myself: I am worth it, even when I don’t believe it. I am worth it.
I am fighting for myself. I’m still fighting. And I’m going to keep fighting.
I hope we never meet again. But if we do, know this: I am stronger and more resilient than you’ll ever be.
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Lived
Lauren
I have repeatedly, for years, said I am worthless; I am nothing, I’m not worth the time people have to be with me. I should have been taken…not him. I’ve never been enough like he would have been… it was a mistake to leave me here.
Becky Ebert
Lauren,
You are not worthless. You are something wonderful and important. Please believe that you are worthy of life and love. And hope and help.
We encourage you to email us at [email protected]. But if you are in need of immediate assistance, you can text “TWLOHA” to 741741 via Crisis Text Line; you will be connected to a trained counselor who can aid you.
Again, Lauren, you are not alone in this. Please stay. Please continue.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Shelly
Perfect timing for me to see. I just got out of a crisis stabilization unit for depression. I will survive this disease! It may not be pretty sometimes because I really screw up major portions of my life on the downslope but I will NOT let depression and suicidal ideation take me away. There is too much left to do and see.
Lauren Leitch
This is amazing. I went through this kind of thing a year ago, and your writing is an echo of how grateful I feel that that girl did not win. So thank you for your words of hope.
Melissa fessler
omg that is ME!! i have never been sucidal. til my relapse a year and half ago.and my friend (comment removed due to content)…i need this website..ending it seems like the logical idea ..the right thing to do..somedays..then im lucid and it seems so selfish.. please someone reach out to me
Becky Ebert
Melissa,
Please know that you are not alone. You are so strong and worthy of hope and help. We are truly sorry for your loss. That is never easy.
We encourage you to seek out help that is available to you. You can start here: https://twloha.com/find-help/local-resources/ Or text TWLOHA to 741741 via Crisis Text Line. You will be connected to a trained counselor in minutes.
Also, if you would like to share more of your story with us, please email [email protected]. We will get back to you as soon as we can.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Lily
I just hurt myself
(comment removed due to content)
I don’t know why
I tried to stop, I promised I would stop
I don’t want to let my mom down she worries enough about me as it is
I don’t know what to do
I’m screaming inside and nobody hears me
I feel alone and stupid and worthless not even worth the calories my mom burns trying to “fix” me and “make me happy
Help
Becky Ebert
Lily,
Please know that you are worthy of love and help. Your mom worries because she cares about you, and she wants to help you get better. Confide in her if you can. Ask her for help.
Please text TWLOHA to 741741 at any time when you need to be connected to a trained counselor. It is free of charge, and they are there to help you. Also, we do recommend that you seek professional counseling. A good place to start is our Find Help page here: https://twloha.com/find-help/local-resources/
If you ever need to share more of your story, or just have someone listen to your words, you can email us at [email protected]. We read and respond to every message we receive.
You are not alone. You can get better. You do not deserve to hurt yourself.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Lily
I don’t want a counsellor they r trained to tell u whatever u want to hear I just need to talk to someone like me
Someone who has been through this and come out the other side
Becky Ebert
Lily,
If you want to email us, you can do so at [email protected]. Although we do encourage professional help, we are here to talk. We read and respond to every message we receive.
With Hope,
TWLOHA
Amber
Lily,
I’ve been where you are. I’ve struggled with self harm for the last 15 years. I know how it feels to not know how to open an honest conversation with someone so close to you. I’m not going to tell you to do anything “if you love yourself” because I know right now you don’t, but if you love your mom, talk to her. Tell her everything. She may not understand it, but she can help you by seeing when things get rough or when you start to feel down. She can be there to remind you that she loves you, even when you can’t see loving yourself.
I have been harm free for 6 years, Lily. And it was not something I did alone. You are a fighter. You are a warrior. You just need someone to remind you once in a while.
I do not know you, but I love you. And I promise you, this feeling does not last forever.
Dani Eye
Wow♥️ This is beautiful and so powerful 🙏🏼Thank you for staying and thank you for sharing💜🦋
Jerianne Miller
Wow, I cried the whole way through. 😭 I honestly felt like I had written that story myself. I didn’t, my story is very similar but it’s my journey.
I’m glad your living your journey…
Candi
Wow. This is spot on… thank you for writing it…. I’m not quite at the point of overcoming the voice, yet- I hope to be someday.
Sarah
Thanks for the beautiful words.
A reminder of being worthy, loveable and strong.
Sometimes I think it’s the hardest thing to be strong but there is no other option.
And one day the sun will shine again.
Nomee
Love. Perfect. My sentiments almost exactltly.