Today

By Brittany AhrendJune 14, 2018

Today, I woke up. Despite wishing before I went to sleep that I wouldn’t.

Today, I got out of bed. Despite feeling like the world was depending on me to carry it so effortlessly around the sun.

Today, I took a shower. Despite thinking to myself, “It can wait, I won’t be leaving the house anyway.”

Today, I took my medication. Despite the fact that I’m still wary that it’s working, that therapy is working.

Today, I sat in my kitchen drinking coffee and listening to the rain outside as I read. Despite the constant desire to go back to my room, lay down on my bed, and accept defeat for the day.

Today, I chose not to cause myself pain on the outside in an attempt to quiet the pain that I was feeling on the inside. Despite staring at the scars on my wrist and wondering if maybe I should add another.

Today, I am sober. Despite feeling like my mind is a war zone and my body a broken vessel, just aching to be temporarily repaired by a high.

Today, I am here. Despite all of the times I’ve prayed to not be.

Today, I didn’t let depression win.

Today, I didn’t let anxiety win.

Today, I didn’t let PTSD win.

Today, I am alive.

Today, I am not giving up.

Today, I am demolishing that wall of negativity surrounding my guarded, broken heart and replacing it with a window made of courage and compassion, so that love can flow freely.

Today, I am greeting hope and saying farewell to apathy.

Today, I am breaking the silence. I am telling the world everything I was too ashamed for anyone to know: That I am vulnerable. That I am flawed. That I have scars. That I am an addict. That I am a victim of sexual assault. That I am terrified of being alone with my own thoughts. That I so desperately need to get the monsters out from under my bed, the demons out of my head, the past from haunting my present. No more hiding, no more running, no more secrets, no more pretending to be OK, no more camouflaging the beautifully broken mosaic that is me. Today, I will pick up the pieces and put myself back together because it is selfish to not share myself with the world.

Today, I am being brave. I am speaking up. I am willing myself to be open to everything. To questions and their potentially insufficient answers. To acceptance and its contrasting criticism. To happiness that sometimes only exists with prefacing disappointment. To healing and the relapses that tend to come with it. Whatever the case may be, whether my journey includes more bad than good, I am open. Because this is how healing starts. This is how stigma is challenged. This, is how we become better.

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Comments (29)

  1. Jennifer

    So beautifully written! Very powerful! Keep fighting!

    Reply  |  
    1. Brittany Ahrend

      Thank you!! Very much appreciated!! ??

      Reply  |  
  2. Courtney

    So proud of you for sharing this with the world. I’m sure it will help alot ot people.

    Reply  |  
    1. Brittany Ahrend

      Thanks sweetheart. I love you ?

      Reply  |  
  3. Momma Deb

    I am so very proud of you Lil Bitt, nothing in life worth having is easy but your on the right path. I am here if the demons scream too loud, we can scream back louder…. Love ya

    Reply  |  
    1. Brittany Ahrend

      Thanks momma Deb!! That means a lot to me. Love you too always ?

      Reply  |  
  4. Leonie Janssen

    There is so much inside this story which I could use to create something like this in a letter to my parents.. if I ever dare to write one.
    I wished they wouldn’t see everything so black/white. There is so much more in the gray area. Sometimes I wished that it wouldn’t be strange to stay at home to take some rest. Sometimes I wished that I could tell them real stories.. that I could tell them what’s going on in my life.

    Reply  |  
    1. Brittany Ahrend

      I think you should write a letter to your parents. Write down anything and everything that you’ve been held back from telling them. Be open and honest. Have hope. You might get a much better reaction than what you expect.

      Reply  |  
  5. Janet Lynn Rubbo

    Excellent exposure of your heart!!!

    Reply  |  
    1. Brittany Ahrend

      Thank you so much!! ?

      Reply  |  
  6. Linda Denman

    Beautifully written. What a courageous human being you are. Thank you for sharing your experience❤️

    Reply  |  
    1. Brittany Ahrend

      Very much appreciated!! Thank you for your kind words. ?

      Reply  |  
  7. Donna Tran

    The power of words when they give language to what our heart feels. Honored you shared with us. Love and light to you.

    Reply  |  
    1. Brittany Ahrend

      I’m honored to have been able to share part of my story with the world. And I’m beyond grateful for all of the kindness and inspiration I’ve received from people since this post was published. Thank you. ??

      Reply  |  
  8. Erika

    Just what I needed tonight. Thank you for sharing ❤️

    Reply  |  
    1. Brittany Ahrend

      If this helped you and anyone else in some way, then I have accomplished more than I could’ve hoped for. Stay strong. ??

      Reply  |  
  9. Kevin Brydges

    I just want to thank the author, Brittany, for this brave post. It’s still early and hard to figure out if today will be a good day or a bad day for me but reading this blog post reminded me to celebrate the small things today. Thank you so so much for your candor. Know that even if I’m the only person, this truly helped me today. And that is a big deal. So mentally add this to your list “today I helped someone through their struggle by opening up about myself”. Keep feeling, keep writing, and keep fighting. Again, thank you.

    Reply  |  
    1. Brittany Ahrend

      Kevin, thank you so much for what you said. I really needed that especially today. I’m so happy to know that I could help you. Always remember to celebrate the small victories as much as the big ones, because looking back you might realize they were actually big victories. Stay strong. ?

      Reply  |  
  10. Michael

    Everything I just read is me except that I need help,I need recovery ,I’ve been in need of it for so long ,I dont want to get out of bed, I just want to close my eyes and not wake up,I went through CBD therapy,last year, when what I needed was drug rehab too ,because I’m prescribed the pills therapists think it’s okay, I lost my best friend partner of 20 years last year I was with him till his last breath ,I’m still traumatized by it ,but wanted to hold his head and hand till he passed,I need help desperately I think of suicide every day

    Reply  |  
    1. TWLOHA

      Michael,

      We are so incredibly sorry to hear that you are struggling, especially with such heavy thoughts. Please know that the help you need is available. Will you email our team at [email protected] with more details about your struggle? We would really like to learn more about you and offer you some support and resources ASAP.

      You can also text TWLOHA to 741741 via Crisis Text Line to be connected with a trained counselor free of charge. It’s available 24/7. Please reach out!

      With Hope,
      TWLOHA

      Reply  |  
    2. Brittany Ahrend

      I’m so sorry for your loss, Michael. And I’m very sorry to hear that you are struggling so deeply. Just don’t lose hope and don’t give up the fight. Do not let your struggles win. You are strong and you are brave and above all else, you are loved. Stay strong. ?

      Reply  |  
  11. Laura J.

    Today I chose to not let my demons win.

    Reply  |  
    1. Brittany Ahrend

      That is victory worth celebrating!! Keep fighting and be proud of yourself. ?

      Reply  |  
    2. Madi

      Never let the demons win! I continue to fight even when everything within me is screaming to just give up. Stay and fight with me.

      Reply  |  
  12. Janet Rubbo

    Very well written. I loved it‼️??

    Reply  |  
    1. Brittany Ahrend

      Thank you so much!! ?

      Reply  |  
  13. Jamie Jo

    Thank you for sharing that, Britany,
    You just proved that it ‘s all is about ” taking charge” of moving forward one hour, one day, one decision at a time. Proud of you……….

    Reply  |  
  14. Madi

    I love this! Thank you for being honest and open with your words. I am proud of you for having the courage to write this. Remember HOPE. Don’t ever give up. You matter. You are loved.

    Reply  |  
  15. Heather Stone

    Today, you are So eloquent.

    Reply  |  
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