At one point in time, a better future was unfathomable to me. I never could’ve predicted how my life would change for the better, nor could I have foreseen the relief, joy, and excitement I’m able to feel now.
If I’m being honest, my life has felt like a repeating cycle of bad luck, depression, and anxiety for a really long time. Yes, I’ve had moments of good fortune, but it always seemed as though the world never wanted me to sit on that side of the wheel for too long. I’d come close to peace, only to have life redirect me back to where I came from. I became accustomed to the idea that nothing was ever meant to “go my way.”
I’ve spent a lot of time looking toward the future—never truly living in the present. At my lowest, I tried desperately to cling to the hope that better days were ahead. When I struggled to do that, I desired ways to see my future. I sought people with gifts and intuitive methods that could give me confirmation of what was before me. None of the messages I received ever came true.
Last year, I hit my breaking point. I tried really hard to find a path out of the situation I was in, but things just continued to worsen. I spent most of my days curled up in bed in a paralyzed state of sadness and loneliness. I had stopped caring about almost everything, and I often found myself daydreaming of a life that wasn’t mine.
I started to lose faith. I believed that I wasn’t meant to reach my dreams, find love, or live the life I so desperately wanted. In 2022, I approached the holiday season fearful of losing what little I had left, including my independence. For the first time, I did not feel a renewed sense of hope when the clock struck midnight, welcoming the new year. I entered 2023 afraid and defeated.
I had no idea that I was weeks away from a miracle.
Despite feeling trapped inside of myself, I never closed my eyes to the outside world. On a cold January day, a path toward change began to reveal itself, so I took one small step. The path cleared a little bit more, so I took another. Then another. And another. As the way forward continued to unfold, all I did was show up each time, with hope guiding my way.
Suddenly, and almost unexpectedly, I reached the end of the path. I’d made it to a place I hadn’t been in a long time. One full of peace, safety, and happiness. I’ve taken some time to reflect on how this place makes me feel, and the journey I took to get here. I realized I was always meant to return, but only when it was time for me to find a path back. Nothing could’ve told me when and where to go.
For those in search of a crystal ball, the bad news is you can’t predict your future. There’s no tarot card that can give you the answers, nor psychic vision that will show you the way. The good news is we have something that comes pretty close: hope.
Hope that our lives aren’t cursed. Hope that the bad days are only temporary. Hope that the path of healing will reveal itself. Hope that we will feel relief, joy, and excitement again.
I’m not entirely where I want to be, but I’ve learned to hold on to hope. No matter where I find myself or however long it takes, hope will always bring me back to a place of better days.
You are not weak for wanting or needing support. If you’re seeking professional help, we encourage you to use TWLOHA’s FIND HELP Tool. If you reside outside of the US, please browse our growing International Resources database. You can also text TWLOHA to 741741 to be connected for free, 24/7 to a trained Crisis Text Line counselor. If it’s encouragement or a listening ear that you need, email our team at [email protected].
We all live in hope in some way, I know I donut within reason.