I used to think I was just a generous person.
If a friend needed something, I tried to help. If someone invited me somewhere, I wanted to show up properly. I have borrowed money just to look good at a friend’s party. I bought gifts because I wanted people to be pleased with me. If someone needed to borrow money and I didn’t really have it, I could still find a way to lend it.
Looking back, some of it was kindness. Some of it wasn’t. Somewhere along the way, I had confused being a good person with making other people happy with me.
When Saying Yes Feels Safer
I didn’t think of myself as a people pleaser. I just knew that saying yes felt better than saying no.
Someone needed help? Yes.
Someone was disappointed? I tried to fix it.
Someone needed something I couldn’t really afford? I would make it work.
Someone thinking badly of me? I didn’t like that feeling.
From the outside, this can look like generosity. You become dependable. Easy to approach. The person people know they can call. But there is a cost when you keep making room for everyone else. Eventually, there isn’t much room left for you.
I Became Good at Knowing What Everyone Else Wanted
That was probably the part I didn’t notice for a long time. I became very good at knowing what other people wanted. I wasn’t nearly as good at knowing what I wanted. It started affecting my decisions. I became indecisive. Not because I had no opinions, but because there were always so many other things to consider.
Would they be disappointed?
Would they think I was selfish?
Could I somehow make this work for them?
What did they need?
What would make them happy?
I was prioritizing everyone else so consistently that my own priorities became unclear. There were so many voices to consider that sometimes I couldn’t hear my own.
The Question I Had to Learn to Ask
Eventually I started asking myself questions that should have been simple:
What do I actually want?
Can I afford this?
Do I have the energy for this?
Am I saying yes because I want to, or because I don’t want someone to be disappointed in me?
That last question can be uncomfortable.
Sometimes the answer was obvious. I was saying yes because I wanted to be liked. I was giving because I wanted to be appreciated. I was sacrificing because, somewhere inside me, someone else’s happiness felt more important than my own. And that realization wasn’t particularly flattering. But it was useful.
I’m Still Learning
I wish I could say I figured it all out and stopped people-pleasing. I haven’t. I still catch myself wanting to make everyone happy. I still sometimes say yes too quickly and wonder afterward why I agreed to something I didn’t really want to do.
The difference now is that I notice it. I can pause. I can ask myself what I want before asking what everyone else wants. I can consider whether helping someone is actually helping, or whether I’m simply afraid of disappointing them. And I’m learning that someone being disappointed with me doesn’t automatically mean I’ve done something wrong. That has been a difficult lesson.
Being There for Others Without Disappearing
I don’t want to become less caring. I still want to help people. I still want to be generous. I still want the people around me to feel supported. I just don’t want other people’s happiness to come at the cost of my peace.
Maybe that’s the part I misunderstood. Being a good person doesn’t require saying yes to everything. Being generous doesn’t mean giving what you don’t have. And caring about people doesn’t mean abandoning yourself to prove that you care.
I used to think I needed to become someone everyone could be happy with. Now I’m learning that I also have to become someone I can live with. That sounds obvious. It wasn’t obvious to me. It took me a long time to understand that being there for other people should not require disappearing from your own life.
Yahya Kasozi writes about the patterns that shape relationships, self-worth, trust, and human decision-making. His work explores how repeated patterns can quietly become life-changing consequences. He is the author of The Love You Never Received, How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship, Before You Marry, and the This Ain’t Love, Yahya series.
The Love You Never Received
For readers who have spent years struggling with self-doubt, people-pleasing, hyper-independence, boundaries, or repeating unhealthy relationship patterns, The Love You Never Received explores where some of those patterns can begin and what it can look like to build a different relationship with yourself.
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