Topic: depression
There is tremendous pressure to be a “good” crazy. To match the criteria, to see yourself in the depictions from books or television. To follow the straight line of recovery, as if it’s that easy. As if it’s a straight line at all.
Depression told me I wasn’t enough, it told me I was a burden, it told me that I wasn’t worthy of love.
It’s been a long time since I’ve actually enjoyed my birthday. Over the last few years, it’s been a painful reminder that with another year passing, I’m still a mess.
This was the kind of depression that made me feel lonely when I was being hugged.
Within a span of two years I’ve been hospitalized four times and made three attempts. This summer I spent 30 days in two psychiatric hospitals. Less than one week after leaving one hospital, I made another attempt.
I have scars on my skin and on my soul. I am healing, but I am not healed; I am recovering, but have not recovered. I am a work in progress.
I know this place because I have been here so often I should have it furnished. This is the place where hope and the well wishes and good intentions of close ones are not permitted to enter.
If and when I find myself at rock bottom, I will make my peace there.
Two years ago, my younger sister and only sibling died by suicide. Suicide has touched me. No, let me rephrase that, suicide has raked it’s claws across me, dug in, and refused to let go. I’m now what is commonly referred to as a “survivor of suicide.”
Tomorrow exists to show you why you held on today.
Getting to play with the artist that helped me find hope and purpose felt like a collective achievement, as though I was representing something bigger than myself, bigger than just that moment. It was about witnessing tangible proof that things do get better.
To read the stories of people, to quietly be involved in their struggles and their victories reminds me that it’s OK to be human, in all its flaws and all its glory.
Sign up for our newsletter to hear updates from our team and how you can help share the message of hope and help.
Join our list