Carrying My Sister’s Story
I want to challenge the narrative surrounding these struggles. That’s what my sister would want me to do. That’s what I want to do. My sister wasn’t weak. My friends aren’t weak. I am not weak.
I want to challenge the narrative surrounding these struggles. That’s what my sister would want me to do. That’s what I want to do. My sister wasn’t weak. My friends aren’t weak. I am not weak.
I will pay it a hundred times over, for the simple pleasure of a beautiful sunrise or a mug of tea heavy in my hands or another mile run or a hug from a longtime friend or the smile of a stranger across a crowded room.
I wish I could say that after 3 years and 4 treatment centers, I’m completely recovered. I mean, I could say that. It just wouldn’t be the truth.
I wrote my first novel when I was relatively mentally healthy, and pretty much immediately after I finished it is when I started to get super depressed.
As we struck the final chords of our set, and the last lyric closed out, a heat washed over me unlike anything I had ever experienced.
High-functioning depression is a slow-burn, invisible but powerful. I can be all the things everyone expects me to be. At the same time, the fire inside will eventually consume me, if left to its own volition.
My story is only one story, but it’s a story that matters—as does yours. You are me and I am you, if in no other way than that one. And I can tell you with the most genuine of hearts that I want you to live.
You are not my good days, and I am not my bad days. You are not my existence.
Sexuality was my primary struggle growing up. When I was 13, I had the first instance of being attracted to men. During the process of figuring out who I was—I dealt with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and even attempts.
You may not be able to stop rain from falling, stop pain from hitting, but you can choose how you respond once it does. You may not be able to change what’s been done to you, get back what was taken from you. But you can choose to be brave today.
All hearts are connected. I believe those words, but when I typed them, I sighed. Simply put: Caring takes effort, and that effort can be taxing.
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