Topic: healing
The truth is that I ignored warning signs that my eating disorder was back. The truth is that my grades were suffering and I was isolating myself. The truth is that I didn’t have an answer when my therapist asked me to name something I thought I was good at outside of my eating disorder. The truth is that I’m struggling.
These walls can, should, and will come down. We will build tomorrow together.
It wasn’t my job to educate the locals about mental health or de-stigmatize an entire country. And if it ever got to be too much, I could always go home. Simple enough. Easy.
Then I find myself crying at my desk while working on Excel spreadsheets and email templates. I excuse myself to the restroom. Because nobody wants to see that, right?
All you need to do today is make it through today. And if you are capable, go one step further, and simply recognize that the voice inside your head, is just that.
My courage began with learning English at the age of 7. I was never very good at it. I remember sitting in front of a stranger whose first and only language was English. I felt intimidated.
I’ve been through this before, and so have the people I’ve reached out to for help. This isn’t a path meant for one, and that’s something I’m beginning to understand. I’m not alone.
Give me the garden beds full of color, but also give me those March and April days when only the bulbs have declared their moratorium on winter’s death and are dormant no more, pushing their tiny bodies into a new year. How silent and steady and unassuming the growth is, but it is not missed by me.
My first therapy appointment wasn’t great. I don’t know if the first session is ever good—it’s hard to be comfortable with the level of vulnerability therapy requires.
I’m aware that this isn’t me, that this seemingly all-encompassing sadness is more of a leaching villain than the toxic-yet-comforting friend I initially saw it as. And if you know me, then you know how much I love a good superhero story.
Depression is not something that only affects certain people. You do not have to go through traumatic life events to experience it. You do not have to justify or explain your depression.
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